Venting Loneliness

[Ravel]

my mother is angry with me because of my psychological problems. she doesn't believe in depression or even know what avoidant personality disorder is, she just keeps comparing me to other people and my siblings. She even keeps making up lies when the neighbors ask about me. I've been through embarrassing situations because of these lies. She's just ashamed of me. My dad looks at me with that disappointed look and honestly I can't blame them, I've just been a financial burden to them since I was 13, dealing with this goddamn depression, avpd and insomnia. Sometimes I feel like the most misunderstood person in the world and the loneliness is unbearable. I reflected a lot and came to the conclusion that ctb will be beneficial not only for me but for my family. With each passing day I see that they can't take my situation anymore. The only thing keeping me alive right now is the SI but i think i can ctb peacefully if i have benzos. Anyway, just a vent. thank you if you've read this far

 

[RedDoor]

Im sorry to hear that, it sounds really rough. I know how it feels to be misunderstood by everyone which causes me to feel lonely. You sound strong though.

 

[leavingsoon99]

You know, I remember when I was in my early teens. We were at church (so you already know the hypocrisy and ignorance of my family life), and I saw my mother chatting with a woman... about ME. The woman was our Sunday school teacher, and she had a problem with me because I was quiet. I'd read the verse she told to read, answer her questions, and just sit down. I was undiagnosed autistic. Of course, in the mid-90s, this was something that was only beginning to be even talked about and considered. So, while observing them, I notice my mother tell the woman that I was 'crazy'. It hurt me to know how my mother really felt about me. Even up to that point, my mother physically abused me and let her boyfriends do the same. Still, I wanted to believe my mother loved me on some level. Maybe she did, in her own dysfunctional way. However, to see her tell someone that of her own child solidified my hatred toward her and my resolve to leave my family. So, I completely understand how you feel. You're not a burden, though. I hope you can find a way to understand that.

It is very lonely to be among a family, not in one. It sucks to feel like everything is your fault. Just know that it isn't.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand that loneliness really can be painful for so many people in this world, life really is so unnecessarily cruel. But anyway I wish you the best.