My loneliness stems from a 27 year old marriage & relationship that has become stale. A lot of bitter resentments from a differing cultural ideology I've struggled to set right. It has estranged my remaining biological family away from me. I'm stuck in the abyss living with hoarding in-laws and a wife of whom I no longer love. Instead, I'm forced to just be 'there' and take care of domestics and buffer fights between my daughter and wife. After work I return to a house of disarray and strangeness which doesn't feel like a home to me anymore. I'm now starting to dissociate my situation onto my other relationships which just 'exist' out of necessity rather than genuity. Apathy is starting to take hold.
In spite of the mounting apathy, it still hurts. I've been a depressive since my early 20s when I first tried to ctb. My then gf (now wife) knew about it but simply went about the business of building her life around me. I'm expected to 'love' her, and be a 'husband' for her sake. When my SI comes up in a conversation, she simply tells me to be quiet and get professional help. Gaslighting and guilt are no exceptions.
It's now become so bad that I've started to set plans into motion, but not on an impulsive level like in my youth. I hurt so much that preparations are unbearably slow, but I don't want to blow it. In the end it'll all be worth it, and I'll finally be at peace.
In spite of the mounting apathy, it still hurts. I've been a depressive since my early 20s when I first tried to ctb. My then gf (now wife) knew about it but simply went about the business of building her life around me. I'm expected to 'love' her, and be a 'husband' for her sake. When my SI comes up in a conversation, she simply tells me to be quiet and get professional help. Gaslighting and guilt are no exceptions.
It's now become so bad that I've started to set plans into motion, but not on an impulsive level like in my youth. I hurt so much that preparations are unbearably slow, but I don't want to blow it. In the end it'll all be worth it, and I'll finally be at peace.
