Brew
Professional Jaywalker
- Nov 8, 2021
- 80
I will most probably but hopefully finally reduce my entire life in as few words as possible, just so I know there will be something left. I will write it however I want and disregard any conscious effort towards making sense or choosing the right words. The following text may be used against me in court, even as in the current time of writing I and my person is under two diluted droplets of levomepromazine chloridate 4% and a single cigarette smoked to "lightheadness" in a desperate attempt to calm my person down. If you are anything but an antitheist, please do not read this through. Begin.
The paragraph aboveis a disclaimer.
1Logic is for the weak.
The weak who are not worthy of respect because they cannot be feared, the weak who cannot act their own will on others like everyone else and their self-importance beliefs.
It's been like this for ages now. I haven't been allowed to properly grow out of the inability of my assigned-by-luck "caretakers" until I became of legal age.
They are doing the same things out of stupidity with my kid brother and I cannot ever do anything about it.
I am and have been forced, from birth to present, to have a good reason to everything I say and do, and to optimize everything about what I consider to be me or refer about me.
The cane is all that is left. A cane, a pile of broken glass, a flying candle and a brown robe walk into a bar and trip themselves out of existence and straight into madness. This is referring to a original character of mine that is also a poltergeist wizard that goes insane and glitches out of his game and he's also sort of the antagonist.
2I am the only person I know who feels the need to explain themselves out of everything they want or do.
The perfect capitalist doll, the only one who cannot do anything if they can't reason themselves into doing it.
For my lack of physical or mental strength I needed my reason as a walking stick for so long it's the only thing that has left from the pile of broken glass I could metaphorically define myself as, for I refuse to acknowledge the mere concept of soul, let alone its existence.
If you are anything but an antitheist, fuck you. I hate you and your inability to see past what either gives you funny feelings and brain boners or scares you into freezing in place for you might be doing something others tell an invisible judge will use against you after you die.
Fuck you.
3Fuck you. See me as a woman so you may care more about me. I may even blow you off if you ask or do anal if you drug me enough.
4I cannot enjoy anything that can't be optimized and considered fine in the eyes of anyone else that could be hypothetically watching and judging my every move. Everything that could bring me peace that isn't destroying my body in "perfect health" never comes without guilt and cringe.
I've heard people telling me to "git gud" for so long I just want to ragequit out of life and see if that could bring at least one person a genuine smile and fit of laughter. I know I always laugh when I think about my dead body because I know I'll be laying in a funny pose such as Yamcha or something else.
5My face and my mask have become the same. It's oh so hard to force myself into talking to anyone about how I feel because they never understand what I say regardless of how many mastery points in diplomacy, eloquency or whatever else I have spent on my character. People are only able to see me in pain when I tear and claw my mask into my skin. I look so pretty when I cry.
Everything is spinning. I think the meds are finally taking in.
6In regards to the fourth paragraph the best palpable example of what I mean would be the incredibly strong wave of guilt and panic that strikes me whenever I see accessibility options in a game I deem as "for 12 and above". "Hey, if you think of yourself as the incapable good for nothing piece of shit retard you are, the only way you might be able to even touch this game would be if you set everything in easy." I tried to play SOMA about last week or so and it had me in tears looking at it
I mean seriously just reading this single article is making me cry my eyes out
7When will I fucking grow up? Will that ever be possible? I've heard people tell me it is but it never feels genuine, and when it starts to feel like so, I want to break down and cry every time it happens. I am not sure whether to consider a blessing or a curse just how guillable I am or can make myself be. How much I want to trust the best out of people and how much I always do, disregarding everything that tells me I should not. It's the only thing I'm strong enough to do anymore, and that includes actually putting up with SN.
8I have no idea what I could possibly want anymore and I need to stop writing this before I discuss/rant about how I added "kill a person" to my damn bucket list
9Fuck humanity fuck the system fuck anarchy fuck politics fuck me fuck today I will live this trhough again when I know in my heart I'm long dead already
10I cannot can't cant even apply to a job nannymore because I need every fiber of my body not to meltdown in an interview and if I hear anything about a SWOP analysis again I will kick someone's spine out of their neck like a spring
11it would be so funny haha i like jack-in-aboxeses
I need help. You cannot provide but please try.
I got everything I need settled, and that is a Ben 10 plastic cup and a bucket with a bit of water in case I throw up. I will be sending a thesis to a NGO I work in and then I shall wait til I fall asleep in my chair. If you can please give my short story a read (the OC mentioned at the end of paragraph #1 comes from there) I would deeply appreciate it, and please give any story in that thread a read so the people who post there know their brains are beautiful and so the thread by itself stops feeling like a baby jail for people who want to share their works. I will post the like to mine and the thread in the next post
sanctioned-suicide.net
The paragraph aboveis a disclaimer.
1Logic is for the weak.
The weak who are not worthy of respect because they cannot be feared, the weak who cannot act their own will on others like everyone else and their self-importance beliefs.
It's been like this for ages now. I haven't been allowed to properly grow out of the inability of my assigned-by-luck "caretakers" until I became of legal age.
They are doing the same things out of stupidity with my kid brother and I cannot ever do anything about it.
I am and have been forced, from birth to present, to have a good reason to everything I say and do, and to optimize everything about what I consider to be me or refer about me.
The cane is all that is left. A cane, a pile of broken glass, a flying candle and a brown robe walk into a bar and trip themselves out of existence and straight into madness. This is referring to a original character of mine that is also a poltergeist wizard that goes insane and glitches out of his game and he's also sort of the antagonist.
2I am the only person I know who feels the need to explain themselves out of everything they want or do.
The perfect capitalist doll, the only one who cannot do anything if they can't reason themselves into doing it.
For my lack of physical or mental strength I needed my reason as a walking stick for so long it's the only thing that has left from the pile of broken glass I could metaphorically define myself as, for I refuse to acknowledge the mere concept of soul, let alone its existence.
If you are anything but an antitheist, fuck you. I hate you and your inability to see past what either gives you funny feelings and brain boners or scares you into freezing in place for you might be doing something others tell an invisible judge will use against you after you die.
Fuck you.
3Fuck you. See me as a woman so you may care more about me. I may even blow you off if you ask or do anal if you drug me enough.
4I cannot enjoy anything that can't be optimized and considered fine in the eyes of anyone else that could be hypothetically watching and judging my every move. Everything that could bring me peace that isn't destroying my body in "perfect health" never comes without guilt and cringe.
I've heard people telling me to "git gud" for so long I just want to ragequit out of life and see if that could bring at least one person a genuine smile and fit of laughter. I know I always laugh when I think about my dead body because I know I'll be laying in a funny pose such as Yamcha or something else.
5My face and my mask have become the same. It's oh so hard to force myself into talking to anyone about how I feel because they never understand what I say regardless of how many mastery points in diplomacy, eloquency or whatever else I have spent on my character. People are only able to see me in pain when I tear and claw my mask into my skin. I look so pretty when I cry.
Everything is spinning. I think the meds are finally taking in.
6In regards to the fourth paragraph the best palpable example of what I mean would be the incredibly strong wave of guilt and panic that strikes me whenever I see accessibility options in a game I deem as "for 12 and above". "Hey, if you think of yourself as the incapable good for nothing piece of shit retard you are, the only way you might be able to even touch this game would be if you set everything in easy." I tried to play SOMA about last week or so and it had me in tears looking at it
I mean seriously just reading this single article is making me cry my eyes out
7When will I fucking grow up? Will that ever be possible? I've heard people tell me it is but it never feels genuine, and when it starts to feel like so, I want to break down and cry every time it happens. I am not sure whether to consider a blessing or a curse just how guillable I am or can make myself be. How much I want to trust the best out of people and how much I always do, disregarding everything that tells me I should not. It's the only thing I'm strong enough to do anymore, and that includes actually putting up with SN.
8I have no idea what I could possibly want anymore and I need to stop writing this before I discuss/rant about how I added "kill a person" to my damn bucket list
9Fuck humanity fuck the system fuck anarchy fuck politics fuck me fuck today I will live this trhough again when I know in my heart I'm long dead already
10I cannot can't cant even apply to a job nannymore because I need every fiber of my body not to meltdown in an interview and if I hear anything about a SWOP analysis again I will kick someone's spine out of their neck like a spring
11it would be so funny haha i like jack-in-aboxeses
I need help. You cannot provide but please try.
I got everything I need settled, and that is a Ben 10 plastic cup and a bucket with a bit of water in case I throw up. I will be sending a thesis to a NGO I work in and then I shall wait til I fall asleep in my chair. If you can please give my short story a read (the OC mentioned at the end of paragraph #1 comes from there) I would deeply appreciate it, and please give any story in that thread a read so the people who post there know their brains are beautiful and so the thread by itself stops feeling like a baby jail for people who want to share their works. I will post the like to mine and the thread in the next post
Creative Writing Megathread
"Yesterday" Yesterday is all that we have left Tragedy, it took our final breath I never knew, couldn't see this unfold I held on to you, from our last moments Into death we now go. The flames light the dark The sirens play our final song We have a lifetime of memory In seconds, it's all gone...
sanctioned-suicide.net
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