Venting Log 2, I'm unlovable and need to ctb

[DenseWoodsCadaver]

I have a boyfriend and for some reason, he just began acting cruel towards me, he told me it's not my fault and that he was busy, later telling me I always pull some bullshit. Today he didn't want to talk to me, I told him I love him and he didn't say it back, he would always say it back, even after awful arguments we had. I asked him if he can say it back and he told me to fuck off.
I feel like my relationship is such an embodiment of stockholm syndrome, we have been together for one year and a few months, its always winter that ruins everything, i'm so scared he found someone else, i'm such a bad person to be around, its all my fault.
I want to ctb because I feel like that is the only way he can entirely escape me, since we always find our ways back to eachother even after every break up we had. I love him so much but my heart aches at the thought of him, I can't hug my pillow out of guilt.
He hates me sharing my feelings on the web because it makes him feel shitty, but whenever I share my feelings with him he never does anything about it. He always stirs up arguments and always feels the need to be right, whenever im depressed he always takes a personal offense and starts defending himself, I really want to feel like I belong, but even the only person I talk to makes it difficult for me to do so. I sometimes start wondering if someone as depressed and miserable as I am is worthy of love. I think it's all my fault for his doings, I really wish he'd just reassure me, but I'm not worthy of that.
He didn't want to talk to me for days, I had to pretend to want intimacy because I just missed him so much, he did what he did and left me once again.
I should ctb as soon as possible, but even then, I'm so selfish I'd just want to hear him worry for me

 

[cyanidekitty]

you may not be looking for advice & sorry if this is unwanted but
i actually think (if you have any strength in you to do so) leave him AND stay away from him. it doesnt have to be today or tomorrow & it may take some time but please atleast try to accept the fact that he is not the one for you regardless of yall finding your way back to eachother

i get it because i was there once— why wouldnt he be the one for you if he always ends up back with you but why do you have to ask for someone to say i love you? ESPECIALLY if they are supposed to be YOUR partner.
why would they tell you to "fuck off" or get defensive when you're only telling them what they are doing wrong??
its probably because unfortunately, he sees you as someone he can just be cruel to because he knows you will just accept it.

also.. you should be at the very least happy when you think of your partner in most situations. he is just not the one for you hon & im sorry for that.

last thing..
one or maybe a few people not loving you ≠ you're unlovable. it just means shitty people find their way to you. maybe its because you're just a good person & they see they can take advantage of that or their just wastes of sperm that dont deserve a fucking spot on this planet because they only make the world worse..anyway

i really hope you can find happiness somewhere else atleast before you ctb or even i hope you will find happiness that may help you recover

you're worth more than some shit guy plays you out to be <33