Help Living Without Hope?

[kane]

Not sure this is so much a "recovery" post as a "living with it" post. It seems to me that no matter how bad things get, I will not ctb. The aversion within me is just too strong - I will cling on long past the point of there being any hope. Thinking this makes me feel even worse. Things are miserable, and I see no prospect of them getting significantly better, and it seems quite likely that at some point they will get much worse. And I will still be clinging on through that, becoming more and more miserable.

On the bright side, nothing lasts for ever (probably). Eventually I will die of some external cause, like everyone else. But until then, I don't know how to handle it. I don't think I can bring myself to be at peace with my fate. To accept it. These deep parts of me are constantly convulsing, desperately looking for some way out of my predicament, when there is none. I'm tormenting myself, and I don't feel like I can stop.

Rationally, I can recognise that I'm pointlessly adding to my misery. It would be preferable if I just accepted my fate and calmly waited for death. But the same forces that prevent me from ending it also seem unable to let me be. They insist that I must do things that are not possible, that are contradictory or unfair to others.

I'm so tired of being this. But I don't think I can bring myself to stop. And I don't know how to stop causing myself unnecessary suffering. I've dug myself an impossibly deep pit, and it's very slowly filling up with water. And rather than sit peacefully and wait to drown, or gaze at the stars twinkling far above, I'm pointlessly scrabbling and clawing at the walls. And that's not how I'd want to spend the remainder of my life, if it's to be this. If I'm going to be trapped alone in this dark pit, I'd rather find whatever peace I can here.

 

[motel rooms]

Are you all out of ways to distract &/or numb yourself (meditation included)?

 

[timf]

I don't know to what extent you are driven by "forces". However, if you can carve out a niche for yourself where you can set the direction, you may be able to establish a basis for increasing control. This can start with small pleasures like a favorite book, movie, or TV program.

 

[kane]

Are you all out of ways to distract &/or numb yourself (meditation included)?

I think a lot of the time I don't have the energy to distract myself anymore. What little I have has to go toward making some money. I can numb myself with sleeping pills and sleep the day away, but that's not compatible with keeping a roof over my head. I try to meditate, but I'm not sure it makes much of a difference - I think my mind's very resistant to it.

I don't know to what extent you are driven by "forces". However, if you can carve out a niche for yourself where you can set the direction, you may be able to establish a basis for increasing control. This can start with small pleasures like a favorite book, movie, or TV program.

Forces, drives, motivations - it's just a label for the experience of wanting to do many conflicting things.