Venting Living 'properly' doesn't feel better

[PenPen<3]

I turned 18 in rehab last December and left 1 month earlier than my end date in January. I started to do all the things I always wanted to do. I'm in a band now, I'm getting piano lessons and language lessons too. I have therapy and nicer clothes and started buying clothes I felt comfortable in. I didn't use my phone for more than an hour a day, and by all accounts I was living a better life. I felt good for a few weeks, but I guess it didn't change anything. I tried to od last month and I still just want to die. I've never posted here before but I'm finding it really hard to never be able to fully speak about this to anybody. Every time I go out to do something I enjoy, the anxiety I feel just makes the whole experience something I dread. Doing stuff like drawing or reading stopped being fun. I don't have a hard life, my life is fine and I'm very lucky to be in the position that I'm in. I still really feel like I'd rather be back with my neglectful father, staying up late, doing nothing with my life. It feels like no matter what I do nothing will feel good, so I might as well try to go back to denying reality alone in my room. I think the only reason I haven't gone back to him is because I'm scared of making a decision that will ruin my life.

 

[ugulamugula]

I turned 18 in rehab last December and left 1 month earlier than my end date in January. I started to do all the things I always wanted to do. I'm in a band now, I'm getting piano lessons and language lessons too. I have therapy and nicer clothes and started buying clothes I felt comfortable in. I didn't use my phone for more than an hour a day, and by all accounts I was living a better life. I felt good for a few weeks, but I guess it didn't change anything. I tried to od last month and I still just want to die. I've never posted here before but I'm finding it really hard to never be able to fully speak about this to anybody. Every time I go out to do something I enjoy, the anxiety I feel just makes the whole experience something I dread. Doing stuff like drawing or reading stopped being fun. I don't have a hard life, my life is fine and I'm very lucky to be in the position that I'm in. I still really feel like I'd rather be back with my neglectful father, staying up late, doing nothing with my life. It feels like no matter what I do nothing will feel good, so I might as well try to go back to denying reality alone in my room. I think the only reason I haven't gone back to him is because I'm scared of making a decision that will ruin my life.

This sadly is the reality. People tell you to live life, but it doesn´t work like that. I hope you get better

 

[bipp]

I turned 18 in rehab last December and left 1 month earlier than my end date in January. I started to do all the things I always wanted to do. I'm in a band now, I'm getting piano lessons and language lessons too. I have therapy and nicer clothes and started buying clothes I felt comfortable in. I didn't use my phone for more than an hour a day, and by all accounts I was living a better life. I felt good for a few weeks, but I guess it didn't change anything. I tried to od last month and I still just want to die. I've never posted here before but I'm finding it really hard to never be able to fully speak about this to anybody. Every time I go out to do something I enjoy, the anxiety I feel just makes the whole experience something I dread. Doing stuff like drawing or reading stopped being fun. I don't have a hard life, my life is fine and I'm very lucky to be in the position that I'm in. I still really feel like I'd rather be back with my neglectful father, staying up late, doing nothing with my life. It feels like no matter what I do nothing will feel good, so I might as well try to go back to denying reality alone in my room. I think the only reason I haven't gone back to him is because I'm scared of making a decision that will ruin my life.

i understand how you feel, im really sorry that your are going through this, if you want to talk to anyone you can dm me, i hope you find peace one day.

 

[anopenwound]

I turned 18 in rehab last December and left 1 month earlier than my end date in January. I started to do all the things I always wanted to do. I'm in a band now, I'm getting piano lessons and language lessons too. I have therapy and nicer clothes and started buying clothes I felt comfortable in. I didn't use my phone for more than an hour a day, and by all accounts I was living a better life. I felt good for a few weeks, but I guess it didn't change anything. I tried to od last month and I still just want to die. I've never posted here before but I'm finding it really hard to never be able to fully speak about this to anybody. Every time I go out to do something I enjoy, the anxiety I feel just makes the whole experience something I dread. Doing stuff like drawing or reading stopped being fun. I don't have a hard life, my life is fine and I'm very lucky to be in the position that I'm in. I still really feel like I'd rather be back with my neglectful father, staying up late, doing nothing with my life. It feels like no matter what I do nothing will feel good, so I might as well try to go back to denying reality alone in my room. I think the only reason I haven't gone back to him is because I'm scared of making a decision that will ruin my life.

That's exactly how I feel.

It's difficult to convey to others that I'm tired, we're tired, because the cost to do all these things is just too high and outmatches even the happiness I do or we do get sometimes. It's nice to be able to get there. It's a lot of work. It doesn't ultimately feel like it should. It's so heavy, all the time.

 

[thelostautistic]

I really resonate with what you're saying. I'm sorry you're feeling this way as well. I do want to say though that I'm really proud of you for leaving rehab and trying to improve your life. It can't have been an easy thing to do when you're struggling.