Living it up for my last month

[fruitbats]

I'm not sure if I'm an asshole for this, but I'm moving in with my boyfriend this week, and by January I'm gonna be dead. Like I should probably stay where I am just to spare him the pain, but I wanna be able to fall asleep with him and live what's left of my life happily. He got me a dog, too, to try and make me happy, and a cat. He's doing everything he can and I think he thinks because I'm a bit happier now he's gonna keep me but it's just because I'm so relived I have a date for everything now.
Is anyone else leaving something that, if just one of the circumstances were just slightly better, would be the actual perfect dream life? I've never been more sad about my choice to do it before, even though I know it'll make everything better in the long run.

 

[SpanishLullaby]

Why do u want to go? Have you tried therapy, etc? Sounds like you have a good supportive home environment.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

I mean that would be ideal if I could have some sort of happiness before I CTB soon but just ain't gunna work out, Having a date for CTB is making me excited as well as anxious, it's rather strange.

 

[Thatdude]

Something to note is you might want to have a plan for what if it messes up or you back out at the last second. Like I wouldn't completely drain your bank account. If you have the money for a basic funeral $8k or cremation which is about $1,500. Then hold onto that. If you do off yourself, then you can give it to the SO so they won't be paying for your actions (which otherwise could screw them) financially speaking. If however you don't off yourself, then you didn't completely screw yourself.

BTW I agree with others that therapy might be a better option. It sounds like things are lining up, and you might be stuck on killing yourself. Like a feedback loop of you must do x even when there isn't reason to do x anymore. But because you wanted to do x for so long, you will do it

 

[SoupSnakes]

Something to note is you might want to have a plan for what if it messes up or you back out at the last second. Like I wouldn't completely drain your bank account. If you have the money for a basic funeral $8k or cremation which is about $1,500. Then hold onto that. If you do off yourself, then you can give it to the SO so they won't be paying for your actions (which otherwise could screw them) financially speaking. If however you don't off yourself, then you didn't completely screw yourself.

BTW I agree with others that therapy might be a better option. It sounds like things are lining up, and you might be stuck on killing yourself. Like a feedback loop of you must do x even when there isn't reason to do x anymore. But because you wanted to do x for so long, you will do it

A basic funeral in the US is $8K?! Crikey

 

[Thatdude]

A basic funeral in the US is $8K?! Crikey

IDK if it really does. I just looked it up on Google. The person would have to do research in their own area, but my point still stands.

 

[ArtVandelay]

A basic funeral in the US is $8K?! Crikey

If you want a burial yeah. Caskets, headstones, burial plots, and funeral services aren't cheap.

 

[Read123456788]

I paid about 5K for my husbands including headstone etc

 

[fruitbats]

Why do u want to go? Have you tried therapy, etc? Sounds like you have a good supportive home environment.

I've wanted to go for years, I got informally kicked out in June and I've been staying with my best friend and her mom, but my best friend just moved out so my boyfriend said I could move in and I'm just tired of bouncing around and not knowing what's gonna happen, because the house isn't safe (my ex boyfriend has made an appearance before and his best friend broke in and trashed the place and put fireworks in the house :/ ) and that my boyfriend being in danger is my fault too. There's other things, like my family blowing me off because I'm failing college after being a straight A student for years, my mental health that has always been bad has finally taken a nose dive and I just can't stand it anymore, it makes me miserable even when I should be happy, and simple things are upsetting and seven years of (what I think) is depression that's just been left to fester is finally making my day to day life unliveable, I have random outburst at work and at school so I kinda stopped going. I've wanted to so many times throughout the years but this is the time I'm willing to let it go, and really do it the right way by settling affairs and not doing it in the house for my boyfriend to find.
I'm sorry this is really long and stupid lol

 

[Thatdude]

Well I again wouldn't recommend you to do it. But if you do, something else to note is depending on how you do it, it might land your bf in hot water. Like cops thinking he killed you. I'm not sure how you would get around this.

 

[SpanishLullaby]

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...the house isn't safe (my ex boyfriend has made an appearance before and his best friend broke in and trashed the place and put fireworks in the house :/ ) and that my boyfriend being in danger is my fault too.​

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I've wanted to so many times throughout the years but this is the time I'm willing to let it go, and really do it the right way by settling affairs and not doing it in the house for my boyfriend to find.​

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Do you think staying at your boyfriends will stabilize things for you?

Not sure where you live but do they have sliding scale/low cost county mental health services in your area?

Have you filed a police report against your ex? (I hope so he sounds crazy.) What about a domestic violence shelter? These facilities are pretty decent in the states. If you are located there I'd consider it. You need a neutral place to get yourself together.

 

[Chronicillness]

I fully intend on living hedonistically before I make my departure. Using copious amounts of heroin is going to be my main hedonistic outlet.

 

[reapandsow918]

I've wanted to go for years, I got informally kicked out in June and I've been staying with my best friend and her mom, but my best friend just moved out so my boyfriend said I could move in and I'm just tired of bouncing around and not knowing what's gonna happen, because the house isn't safe (my ex boyfriend has made an appearance before and his best friend broke in and trashed the place and put fireworks in the house :/ ) and that my boyfriend being in danger is my fault too. There's other things, like my family blowing me off because I'm failing college after being a straight A student for years, my mental health that has always been bad has finally taken a nose dive and I just can't stand it anymore, it makes me miserable even when I should be happy, and simple things are upsetting and seven years of (what I think) is depression that's just been left to fester is finally making my day to day life unliveable, I have random outburst at work and at school so I kinda stopped going. I've wanted to so many times throughout the years but this is the time I'm willing to let it go, and really do it the right way by settling affairs and not doing it in the house for my boyfriend to find.
I'm sorry this is really long and stupid lol

I've been heading in the same direction. I have to move out of my house just to order my SN and avoid suspicion

 

[fruitbats]

Well I again wouldn't recommend you to do it. But if you do, something else to note is depending on how you do it, it might land your bf in hot water. Like cops thinking he killed you. I'm not sure how you would get around this.

Honestly I'm not super hype about it but I'm just so out of options and so exhausted, I was thinking sn in an abandoned farm building I kno so the body wouldn't bother anyone for a while. I feel really bad about causing problems for people, I'm not leaving a suicide note for my family but maybe I can leave one addressed to the authorities confirming that I did myself in and everyone else is innocent just to be safe.

​

​

Do you think staying at your boyfriends will stabilize things for you?

Not sure where you live but do they have sliding scale/low cost county mental health services in your area?

Have you filed a police report against your ex? (I hope so he sounds crazy.) What about a domestic violence shelter? These facilities are pretty decent in the states. If you are located there I'd consider it. You need a neutral place to get yourself together.

I don't think anything can stabilize me, I've been so unsteady for years and I think I finally just broke.
I live in alabama, with no health insurance so mental health care is really out of the question unfortunately. I wasn't allowed to see one as I got older bc my family didn't want me to spill the beans on accident and get them in trouble (which I accidentally did with one before and it was a whole thing ) and also because my uncle didn't believe in that kind of medicine or that there was anything wrong with me, and when I was younger I had a really bad experience with two different ones so I've got a huge fear of therapist/ psychologist/ect.
Despite acting like an asshole, we can't actually catch him on charges bc he wasn't on camera in the house, even tho there's footage of him outside of it before it happened. The sad part is, he was so toxic and whatever and I should've just stayed with him bc he never cared at all about my episodes, and my current boyfriend keeps having panic attacks because he suspects I'm gonna cbt (which I'm an awful person for lmao) so I could've just cbt with the last one and he wouldn't have cared. But like despite being an asshole, I don't wanna ruin his life or be that girl when he hasn't been that bad at all.
I've still gotta maintain responsibilities so all I have goes into work or (failing) school so I don't really have time to see anyone or not do this, my whole schedule at this point is planned around dying

also holy shit I'm sorry I keep writing big ass dramatic ass paragraphs lmao I talk a lot,I'm sorry

 

[Hunter100]

IDK if it really does. I just looked it up on Google. The person would have to do research in their own area, but my point still stands.

It is actually more. My brothers funeral cost me 12k and it was very basic. The plot at the cemetery was close to 4K alone! It is absolutely disgusting how they make millions off the funeral/cemetery business

 

[Worthless_nobody]

No if I had anything even slightly close to my dream life I would not give ctb one more thought. Sorry not saying that in a mean way if it sounds like that. I truly wish my bf had loved me because that was literally the last hope I had since everything else is so bad both mentally and physically.