Venting living is too difficult

[overmorrow]

the act of connecting with another human being is too, difficult for me, speaking is hard, going out, working, doing everything is hard!!

I don't get why i have to live, a life that i never asked for, I've only got misfortunes, never once something positive without a downside happened to me, I'm used to being treated miserably and I've lived my whole existence in misery

so much that I've stopped believing in a chance of things possibly getting better, i realized how naive that is, positivity only feeds delusions, it won't change reality

I got forced to do stuff i never enjoyed, I got forced to speak, forced to eat, forced to recover and forced to live, and there won't be one day, where I'll regret not having rebelled sooner, or did what i really want :<<<

going with the flow is only to gain peace, just accepting it, but i can't accept, im too weak for that, fear is a test, it's more of a "are you sure you want to commit?" that's just how it feels for me, at least

at the end of the day though, it was always my decision to not be myself, and not create a personality, i have nobody to blame but myself :< im just rambling, I've got nowhere to speak about this