Venting Little Flame

[Alpenglow]

I don't feel very bad. I'm not in severe distress, shit calling it any distress is probably disingenuous anyways. I'm just tired ig, putting this out here for no reason. I hesitate to say I hate my body, I just dislike it in general, the way it looks, the way it makes me feel, the way I use it. I dislike interacting with people, I'm both good and bad at it. I'm good at talking and terrible at socialising. I can barely keep myself together and the only topic of conversation I have is how much I suck. That's vaguely true I suppose. I let down a lot of people, whether they know it or not. Maybe I'm letting myself down more than anything. I can't really ctb because of the ppl who love me. And I'm not sure I love them, and they sure as hell don't know how to help me. So I'm stuck making the best of whatever this is, which usually consists of making decisions that lead to bad outcomes and picking the least damaging one. And then failing because avoidance is too effective to avoid.

Sometimes I just imagine I'm a small floating blue flame. Floating in an empty expanse is quaint enough. More huggable than whatever I am right now anyways. Wouldn't it be nice to just hide away in a hole somewhere and just flicker out. Nice and cozy.

I hope you're doing okay. And I'm sorry for everything.

 

[amnesia999]

[....]
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in
[....]

(Elton John/Bernie Taupin, Candle in the Wind)