atomoxerine
I don't want to crash anymore
- Mar 27, 2026
- 5
I've akways had a weird relationship with the subway- If I were spiritual I'd believe I was born to die there.
I know it's a very selfish method, that it's awful to the people trying to go about their day and most of all the train conductors. It's such a public and unnecessarily bothersome death for others...
But I've always dreamt of dying this way. it's actually mad- Since a kid I was scared of going there. Nowadays my heart still accelerates whenever it approaches the station, I still keep my eyes glued to any one close to the gap, I still shiver thinking of someone pushing me in front of the train.
This is the way that terrifies me the most. But also the one I feel the most connected to. It just makes sense to me, it's how it should be.
I've thought a lot about the line I'd take. It's one of the least used, and I'd go to the second to last station, which I never saw busy during the week.
About two month ago, a teen committed suicide on that exact same line, maybe close to where I plan. It's kind of freaky, that incident just made me more obsessed with it. I almost feel connected to her now. I hope she found peace, she was far too young to resort to this.
I don't know if I'd actually jump. It must be so awful for the conductor, and also just plain violent. I've seen a cuple videos of people that managed to sneak under the gap, and when a train approached they slid onto the track. Far too quick for anyone to see the body, to really register what's going on. It's a more muted version of it, but risky- way easier to catch in the cameras and get interrupted. It's still the least selfish way to go about it
With that said, however, I'm a selfish person. I've always been a shitty, egotistical person on a lifelong manic episode. That's why I consider this method above all, because I want to and I just can't care enough. Why should my death be different? I can feel bad about having such a massive ego, and wanting nothing more than to help and care for others, but when it comes to actual actions and making decisions, I can't do it. So I should accept this is the rotten way that represents the rotten guy I am.
Anyways, I'm really not religious or spiritual at all, but I guess when death feels so near, it's sort of an expected response, right? As crazy as it seems, I feel connected to the subway. And that's how I want to go.
December 12 of 2026, no later than that.
I know it's a very selfish method, that it's awful to the people trying to go about their day and most of all the train conductors. It's such a public and unnecessarily bothersome death for others...
But I've always dreamt of dying this way. it's actually mad- Since a kid I was scared of going there. Nowadays my heart still accelerates whenever it approaches the station, I still keep my eyes glued to any one close to the gap, I still shiver thinking of someone pushing me in front of the train.
This is the way that terrifies me the most. But also the one I feel the most connected to. It just makes sense to me, it's how it should be.
I've thought a lot about the line I'd take. It's one of the least used, and I'd go to the second to last station, which I never saw busy during the week.
About two month ago, a teen committed suicide on that exact same line, maybe close to where I plan. It's kind of freaky, that incident just made me more obsessed with it. I almost feel connected to her now. I hope she found peace, she was far too young to resort to this.
I don't know if I'd actually jump. It must be so awful for the conductor, and also just plain violent. I've seen a cuple videos of people that managed to sneak under the gap, and when a train approached they slid onto the track. Far too quick for anyone to see the body, to really register what's going on. It's a more muted version of it, but risky- way easier to catch in the cameras and get interrupted. It's still the least selfish way to go about it
With that said, however, I'm a selfish person. I've always been a shitty, egotistical person on a lifelong manic episode. That's why I consider this method above all, because I want to and I just can't care enough. Why should my death be different? I can feel bad about having such a massive ego, and wanting nothing more than to help and care for others, but when it comes to actual actions and making decisions, I can't do it. So I should accept this is the rotten way that represents the rotten guy I am.
Anyways, I'm really not religious or spiritual at all, but I guess when death feels so near, it's sort of an expected response, right? As crazy as it seems, I feel connected to the subway. And that's how I want to go.
December 12 of 2026, no later than that.
