Venting Line Barrier Threshold

[opheliaoveragain]

I know I am not the only one going through this awful situation but I'm losing my mind, or so it seems, and I'm scared and I honestly don't know what to do. It has been months of applications, bullshit non interviews, and lies from employers (the few that respond out of HUNDREDS). I hit nine months free from F the other day and I do not feel happy or proud or recovered. I feel worse. I just want it back. I just want it to take my life. I just want to leave this awful place. Every dollar goes towards preventing me from becoming homeless but that's running out and I can't stop crying. I just want the courage to hang myself alone in my apartment when I know no one will try to reach me (my depression and extreme scenario and emotions have alienated me, not completely, but nearly), as if they would even want to. I feel like I am a burden on fucking everyone.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be dreadful and tiring what you go through, it's certainly so cruel how people suffer so much in this existence. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's awful that no one seems to be willing to give you a chance despite you obviously trying. Are there any charities or services in your area that might help? Might maybe look at your CV or talk through interview techniques or what not?

Really- what do they expect people to do? If they're putting in the work to find work but everyone keeps rejecting them- it's going to push them in to increaingly desperate states. I'm sorry. I know how depressing job hunting is.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

It's awful that no one seems to be willing to give you a chance despite you obviously trying. Are there any charities or services in your area that might help? Might maybe look at your CV or talk through interview techniques or what not?

Really- what do they expect people to do? If they're putting in the work to find work but everyone keeps rejecting them- it's going to push them in to increaingly desperate states. I'm sorry. I know how depressing job hunting is.

My CV is fine, if I could land a interview, a real one, not one with thirty people on the zoom call for one position, I wouldn't be feeling this so intensely.

I don't know what the fuck they expect us to do. And I know my landlord wont hesitate to evict me just to continue to make money.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Another day another bunch of fuckin liars about their intentions on hiring. One step closer to giving up.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I don't want to start another thread for this, but I have to express it somewhere and maybe some of you can give me some perspective.

Death has been a part of my life since I was very young, I grew up outside Washington DC and the crime rate was high. I found my first caretaker dead as the first one in the door at 12. I have lost countless friends and chosen family to overdose deaths. That continues to this day. I'm legally an orphan, I've never had real family. I never saw myself growing old. Even as a child, I knew I wanted control over how I left this place. That continues to this day as well, obviously. I've been ready to go. I've managed to dampen the 'living for others' shit that is biologically built into my overly empathetic brain.

But there's one I just can't put away fully and it's eating me fucking alive.

I have a partner of nearly a decade who still has both parents, both grandparents. They have not experienced a Big death and I feel some type of way about
1. Leaving them before they are naturally forced to go through it.
2. Being their first Big death.

I want to go, I want it to end, I've spent my time reading and researching. I nearly have everything I need. But the aforementioned is killing me inside. I can't just turn off the care switch for this person like I have been able to re: the rest of the fuckin world. I don't know what the fuck the answer is.

 

[fallingtopieces]

i struggle with this too, but the pain is getting to be so much that i don't know if i can hold on for them. the world will keep turning and they will move forward in their lives. but they will be deeply affected and i don't want them to carry it with them. i'm sorry, there's just no easy answer.

 

[fatladysings]

My CV is fine, if I could land a interview, a real one, not one with thirty people on the zoom call for one position, I wouldn't be feeling this so intensely.

I don't know what the fuck they expect us to do. And I know my landlord wont hesitate to evict me just to continue to make money.

Feel so sorry for you, job hunting is horrible

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I can't fucking keep doing this shit week after week, nothing feels like it matters anymore, I'm too broke to order SN right now. 18 pages on a job website and I feel like a fucking failure. What's so wrong with me that no one will let me do anything and pay me for it? Rhetorical. This is all just to feed the ghost that I display to everyone else that I'm "trying" when really, most of my time is spent planning.

I won't be using meto if I go with SN, I don't give a fuck about throwing up, I'll have 3 glasses prepared, I have not set a date yet and every day that goes by that I can't buy it I get more scared that the site will get pulled.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT IT COULDNT GET ANY WORSE.

I have sent THOUSANDS of applications at this point. I finally get a bite, I check everything out, the company is real, the good business rating is real, the onboarding seemed a tad off, and it quickly devolved from there. It was a scam. I'm beyond fucking angry and I have bills due in less than a week but my bank froze my account for a week just for safety. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. I really thought that thins were going to get better, I don't think there's any way for that to happen and I need to just stop hoping.

Hopeless definitely describes how I feel right now. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. I don't know how I'll be able to spare money to buy SN. I have my source (don't DM me asking, thanks) but I'm just fucked money wise. I just wanted the comfort of having it there and knowing it will work when I choose. Fuck this fuck this fuck this.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Keeping my vents within this thread in order to not clog up the works.

I can't believe it's been one day to a week that someone that felt like a best friend left this place. Tomorrow is going to be hard. Everything reminds me of them right now, despite how brave I think they are and how happy I am that they no longer ever have to suffer again. I still miss them.

Shit is fucking complicated, and if there are those of you out there who can just compartmentalize this type of stuff, I envy you.

It bleeds into every part of my day. I look at the trees and houses and streets I sent them pictures of and I cry when I'm just outside working.

This experience has made me consider end of life/death doula work. I don''t know where to start.

I don't even know if I want to be alive after November in the US. If trump wins, I've pretty much warned everyone that I am outskis.

I have a few failed attempts under my belt, and when, not if, I go for it again, I won't fucking fail.

It doesn't help that I have spent nearly half a year applying for jobs of all kinds, and still fucking nothing that's real or reliable. I'm running out of money and options and when that runs out, it's time for me to go, I'm not suffering through homelessness in my city, absolutely fucking not. It's not a class thing bc I love my transient homies but a matter of safety.

I feel so fucked right now and don't know how to feel even a tiny bit better about anything. I wish I had a fucking gun.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I was right in assuming today would be hard. I've cried a lot. Fuck being alive. My friend was so brave and was able to put all the extra bullshit about friends and family out of their head, granted they had many many good reasons to do so. But I wish I could achieve it completely. I get closer and closer.

I'm also severely struggling with my eating disorder and for some vain reason, I give a fuck about what I weigh when I die.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

This one isn't for me. Maybe in a way it is. I'm coping.

The right person will probably never ever read this but….

There is nothing that talking to me will do to change the situation.

There is nothing I can do that alters the outcome, I can not turn back time.

And even if I could, I wouldn't. Because this was a choice that was not made by me.

They knew what they wanted, no amount of words was going to change that.

The health system had failed them, recovery had failed them. This was not done on impulse.

This plan was in motion long before I was in the picture at all. I was simply there for companionship.

There is no crime in that.

My feelings go out to those emotionally affected by this exit, but nothing I could say or do will change anything.

Please allow this person their peace, please allow me my peace and I wish you your own. I am sorry this has hurt you.