I hope this vent belongs here...
It feels so tiring and confusing. One day I could be completely fine and the other I feel like I could break down at the slightest nudge. I don't get it at all. Almostn anything I've tried seemingly had no influence ofer this. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed by the work I have to do? Took a long break, it didn't help. Maybe it's because I'm waking up too early or sleeping too short? Slept longer, felt worse. Maybe... I don't know what else, maybe it's the people I talk to? Maybe I find them annoying? Maybe it's people overall??? Maybe I should just completely isolate myself? That's the only thing that really started helping, but I can't stay isolated forever, it's impossible and unhealthy. I feel like I'm going insane, like nothing will ever make me feel alright again, like my mental state is roulette, completely random.
I'm starting to kind of like the idea of ctb, even though I feel like it's still too permanent to consider. Is what I'm experiencing an actual issue? Would a therapist help? After all, it seems as though talking to people started this in the first place.
What I find annoying about this is how I make decisions mindlessly, living in the moment, so I could set up a week full of activites for myself when I'm feeling alright but for the next days, when the plans are supposed to take place, I'm suddenly feeling horrible amd barely able to put myself together? I can't just ghost someone or randomly cancel stuff though. My stupid mind won't let me.
I have also been talking to new people when I feel better and literally hours, or maybe even an hour after, I would regret my decision because I can't handle any more connections, even on the internet.
Why am I making more people know about me or care about me? Is my subconscious trying to "save" me before I actually get a chance to commit to a ctb attempt? It's like there are two comoletely different people inside of my mind arguing at all times and fighting over who controls my body.
I feel horrible for even expeeiencing stuff like this, I shouldn't be like this at all. There are countless people in worse situations than me, who seem to be doing better mentally? I was, and probably still am a spoiled brat to the core. I got everything I wanted, really and yet I still have the audacity to feel overwhelmed, feel bad? Wow, I have quite the ego to write something like this...
I want to relieve my surroundings of me. This is completely insane, I just want it to be over already... Help...?
It feels so tiring and confusing. One day I could be completely fine and the other I feel like I could break down at the slightest nudge. I don't get it at all. Almostn anything I've tried seemingly had no influence ofer this. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed by the work I have to do? Took a long break, it didn't help. Maybe it's because I'm waking up too early or sleeping too short? Slept longer, felt worse. Maybe... I don't know what else, maybe it's the people I talk to? Maybe I find them annoying? Maybe it's people overall??? Maybe I should just completely isolate myself? That's the only thing that really started helping, but I can't stay isolated forever, it's impossible and unhealthy. I feel like I'm going insane, like nothing will ever make me feel alright again, like my mental state is roulette, completely random.
I'm starting to kind of like the idea of ctb, even though I feel like it's still too permanent to consider. Is what I'm experiencing an actual issue? Would a therapist help? After all, it seems as though talking to people started this in the first place.
What I find annoying about this is how I make decisions mindlessly, living in the moment, so I could set up a week full of activites for myself when I'm feeling alright but for the next days, when the plans are supposed to take place, I'm suddenly feeling horrible amd barely able to put myself together? I can't just ghost someone or randomly cancel stuff though. My stupid mind won't let me.
I have also been talking to new people when I feel better and literally hours, or maybe even an hour after, I would regret my decision because I can't handle any more connections, even on the internet.
Why am I making more people know about me or care about me? Is my subconscious trying to "save" me before I actually get a chance to commit to a ctb attempt? It's like there are two comoletely different people inside of my mind arguing at all times and fighting over who controls my body.
I feel horrible for even expeeiencing stuff like this, I shouldn't be like this at all. There are countless people in worse situations than me, who seem to be doing better mentally? I was, and probably still am a spoiled brat to the core. I got everything I wanted, really and yet I still have the audacity to feel overwhelmed, feel bad? Wow, I have quite the ego to write something like this...
I want to relieve my surroundings of me. This is completely insane, I just want it to be over already... Help...?
