Like almost always when I think I have read the worst abuse and extreme pain situations on here there is a new story to be told...

[noname223]

I hate my life. I hate myself. My life quality is so fucking bad. I am suicidal since a decade. I have experienced severe child abuse and bullying which made me a total mental wreck. I am very certain I am going to kill myself eventually. I will have to face poverty in case I won't ctb in some years.

Still there are people in even way worse position. Always when I think a story cannot be exceeded by its cruelty and extreme torment I read a new story in this forum here and there. In some ways this reminds me of some privileges that I currently have. Like for example I don't have to face violence currently. There is noone absuing me except my own sick little brain.

I think many stories are heartbreaking to their cores. And people who are massively in favor of procreation and against assisted suicide should read some of these stories and should have to argument how something like that can be justified.

In some way it comforts me not be alone when I am in extreme pain. I struggle so fucking much to function. College makes everything so much worse. However giving up college would be like accepting a slow suicide. I am not sure whether I will break down soon. My depressions and anxiety gets so much worse. It is the start of the semester and I feel like I cannot manage it any longer. It is game over for me. I am fucked I am so fucking done.

I think my theory that I am just deteriorating experiencing this college hell is true. I had so fucking long holidays however college is simply too much. I try to communicate it to my parents in a soft way. There is no future. I am seriously debating whether to do way less for college. Which shows I am FUCKED I am so fucking FUCKED. I have extreme OCD and I tortured me so fucking hard for a C in an exam of the last semester. I don't know what do. I cannot take that much addicitve medication anymore but I think in the longrun it makes my anxiety even worse.

I am fucking done. I think it is good that this forum gives a voice to people like me. People in extreme pain crying out the extreme injustice that we have to face. I document my daily hell on here. It comforts but it is not enough to stop me to ctb eventually.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is so horrible and terrifying how there is no limit as to how much people can suffer in this existence, existence truly is hell to me.

 

[Cage]

I think it's important to remember that even if some people have it worse than you, your own struggles are still real and valid. I'm sorry you're in so much pain but just know that we here at SS will always love you and support you no matter what you're going through. We may not have solutions but we'll always validate your feelings, and from personal experience I know sometimes that alone is enough to convince someone to keep going just a little longer. There are other people here who struggle with OCD and other mental disorders, you should definitely get to know them. However I also know that having a mental illness can sometimes make you underestimate yourself and your own abilities, mostly because of the stigma that does still exist around these disorders. Sometimes a loving and understanding voice is really the biggest thing you need :)

That being said I definitely understand what you're saying, and browsing this forum made me recognize just how extremely privileged I am. My reason for wanting to CTB mostly comes from my own personal failings, and I used to think that being abused/bullied/pushed around a lot growing up would've somehow given me the strength or discipline that I don't currently have. But now that I've seen how much it's fucked up people on here like yourself, it's made me realize that a violent abusive childhood isn't any better in most cases than a pampered sheltered childhood. Being on SS has made me more empathetic and more aware of perhaps some of my own mistreatment of others IRL, and it's something I want to rectify now. I may be more privileged than you but I always want to be in touch with those who are downtrodden and unlucky in life, because they represent the majority of the population and they are often the most important, most exploited group of people in our social hierarchy. So while reading all these horrible stories of abuse and poverty certainly isn't nice, it's helped me grow as a person immensely, and for that I'm grateful this site exists :)