life stories thread ♥

[moonshyne]

hello, im new here and im interested in hearing people's stories. feel free to be as vague or specific as you want ♥

what made you seriously consider CTB? what are some important moments in your life that made you the person you are today? where do you think your story leads in the future?

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

I started thinking about suicide when I was around 12 years old, and I thought about it because my mother was abusive towards me. Then through the rest of my life I thought about suicide because of the way life is and how unrealistic I was. Like, I remember thinking at the age of 15 or 16 I wanted to be the best there is, but I realized there is no best, and everything just continually transcends as better, and this made me want to kill myself. See? I had weird ideas and notions in my life, that lead me to idealizing suicide. Flash forward a few years diagnosed with Autism and Bipolar and here I am now, ready to kill myself because simply, there is no road ahead of me, I've got nowhere to go. I honestly think my future is bleak, if my exit bag contraption works out then I see myself gone, and if it doesn't well I see myself trapped in this world trying to make it to the end anyways.

 

[moonshyne]

I started thinking about suicide when I was around 12 years old, and I thought about it because my mother was abusive towards me. Then through the rest of my life I thought about suicide because of the way life is and how unrealistic I was. Like, I remember thinking at the age of 15 or 16 I wanted to be the best there is, but I realized there is no best, and everything just continually transcends as better, and this made me want to kill myself. See? I had weird ideas and notions in my life, that lead me to idealizing suicide. Flash forward a few years diagnosed with Autism and Bipolar and here I am now, ready to kill myself because simply, there is no road ahead of me, I've got nowhere to go. I honestly think my future is bleak, if my exit bag contraption works out then I see myself gone, and if it doesn't well I see myself trapped in this world trying to make it to the end anyways.

how old are you now?

this might seem like a weird question but... who would you consider to be the most important person in your life? im just curious

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

how old are you now?

this might seem like a weird question but... who would you consider to be the most important person in your life? im just curious

I'm 24 now. It's okay, it's not a weird question. The most important person in my life that I had was a woman named Denise. She was a staff in one of my group homes when I was 17. We had an amazing connection, and I felt like she really cared about me. She supported me through some of the toughest times in my life.

 

[etme]

Honestly tracing back, I've always had some sort of mental disorder. Be it social anxiety or just flat out depression with a failure to hold back my tears the moment I get stressed.

I thought things started to get better during the pandemic, but the moment I got into college and faced my second year I flunked my class and got into an argument with my caregiver.

They had already known I was prone to self harming, and the argument just basically self imploded and pointed out hm of a disappointment I am(valid). They ended up saying that I could do whatever with my life and if I wanted to harm myself then I can go right on ahead.

So now since I no longer have any future prospects, I no longer wanna be a financial burden, and the one thought of not doing it because my caregiver wouldn't want it is gone. I'm free to finally make the choice and plan my way out

 

[moonshyne]

I'm 24 now. It's okay, it's not a weird question. The most important person in my life that I had was a woman named Denise. She was a staff in one of my group homes when I was 17. We had an amazing connection, and I felt like she really cared about me. She supported me through some of the toughest times in my life.

where is she now? have you kept in touch?

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

where is she now? have you kept in touch?

No, something happened at that group home that was really bad, and we lost touch.

 

[moonshyne]

No, something happened at that group home that was really bad, and we lost touch.

do you wanna talk about it? im always interested in hearing people's stories. everyone always has something to say that we can all learn from.

before you go through with your plans, you should try talking to her, at least make an attempt, you know? even if its just saying goodbye to someone that cares about you.

sorry this is out of context but how do you add a status on this site? yk the little statuses that appear below your username

Honestly tracing back, I've always had some sort of mental disorder. Be it social anxiety or just flat out depression with a failure to hold back my tears the moment I get stressed.

I thought things started to get better during the pandemic, but the moment I got into college and faced my second year I flunked my class and got into an argument with my caregiver.

They had already known I was prone to self harming, and the argument just basically self imploded and pointed out hm of a disappointment I am(valid). They ended up saying that I could do whatever with my life and if I wanted to harm myself then I can go right on ahead.

So now since I no longer have any future prospects, I no longer wanna be a financial burden, and the one thought of not doing it because my caregiver wouldn't want it is gone. I'm free to finally make the choice and plan my way out

what were you studying in college? did you have big aspirations?

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

do you wanna talk about it? im always interested in hearing people's stories. everyone always has something to say that we can all learn from.

before you go through with your plans, you should try talking to her, at least make an attempt, you know? even if its just saying goodbye to someone that cares about you.

sorry this is out of context but how do you add a status on this site? yk the little statuses that appear below your username

what were you studying in college? did you have big aspirations?

With what happened at that group home, I do not want to talk about it, but thanks for asking!
I wouldn't be able to get ahold of her because I'm not allowed to speak to anyone from that program.
The status can be edited if you go to settings and then look for account details. You should see a rainbow of options for your but if you scroll down you can see an option to edit your member title, if that's what you mean, otherwise I'm not sure sorry!

 

[azoidant]

I've been suicidal on and off since I was eleven.

I had the revelation that I was rather destructive and impulsively harmed the people around me. Since then, I've developed extreme avoidant tendencies to "protect others from myself." I became agoraphobic and dropped out of highschool barely a month into freshman year. Just stepping out my front door to get the mail or take out trash became an unbearable challenge for a long while. I've since gotten better at these particular things, but every time I overcome a challenge, a new one springs up in its place. Anxiety and inferiority pervade every fiber of my being through every circumstance. I've rendered myself incapable of performing basic tasks for fear I'll reveal myself as incompetent and stupid.

I decided more firmly to CTB after years of trying to recover only to continuously fall back into old habits. I've accepted now that it's simply beyond my capabilities to become a functional adult. I'll never be able to live the way I dream of. No, I won't even achieve the bare minimum.

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally wish to cease existing as I have no interest in suffering in this existence, existing will always be deeply undesirable to me and I'd always prefer to not exist no matter what, non-existence is always preferable for me than the torturous, futile burden of human existence that I never would have chose and never would have wished for. To me existence just feels like a terrible mistake, I see existence as an abomination that just causes endless amounts of suffering with no limit as to how much agony one can feel.

My wish to die is a result of becoming conscious in this existence, I've personally only ever wished to be at peace, I've only seen the peace of eternal, dreamless sleep as desirable, eternal sleep would solve everything for me as after all if I don't exist I cannot suffer in any way and the way I see it existence just causes problems there was never a need for and suffering all for the sake of it. I could personally never see value in suffering in this existence I always saw as so futile in the first place just to die tortured by old age, in fact it terrifies me how a human can exist for so long, the thought of being trapped in this existence until old age is horrific to me, I'd just prefer peace over all the suffering and cruelty of existence and I'd never wish to exist no matter what. As long as I exist I'll only hope to never suffer ever again which is why I see so much cruelty in how I cannot just have the option to painlessly die in peace to escape from this existence that was imposed in the first place, I suffer so much from being trapped in this existence.