i was made believe i would find happiness once i grew older; i was made believe that degree i'm taking in college is what i've always dreamed of; i thought i'd socialize like a normal human being later in life; i thought i'd find meaning in the fucking aweful daily grind; i thought i was so fucked up in the head because my brain was missing some gears, i tried to fix that by taking plenty of medicines throughout my life and that hasn't fixed shit
i don't even know why i wrote all of this, i'm so demotivated; it is like i'm talking to myself while i'm typing this. week after week; weaker, weaker and weaker, i'm growing enough courage to leave this horrific world next month
this could be an epiphany, to drive you to change how you live - you now know you can't trust the system and the bullshit it feeds you, you have to trust yourself - you now know that the degree prospectus for your local college is not where happiness lies in relation to what you do all day, every day; the daily grind - you know anything that resembles a 'daily grind' will make you unhappy - you know pharmaceuticals are bullshit and won't fix things - you could use this as a motivator to find what you really want to do with your life, your every day, and how you want to look after your health, as opposed to pharmaceutical companies telling you how to manage your health, that just so happens to make them lots of money - maybe your brain was never missing any gears, maybe it's the system that's the problem - what do you REALLY want to do? The worst advice anyone ever gives is 1) don't put all your eggs in one basket (if you love something, put all your eggs in that basket, what do you have to lose if you're this unhappy) and 2) worry about getting a good pension (you may never see your pension, and if you follow what you love, that's the most likely way to be successful and not even need one, because you have better alternatives, like a 2nd property you rent out, or a business you pay someone to run for you) - Fuck the system, follow your instincts - that's what I would tell my younger self if I could go back