Truly. Have to keep it all inside. I feel guilty. So many people would be so happy with my beautiful wife and kids. It's complicated. I just have to feel guilt for everything all of the time. People set me off and I feel guilty!!??
Shitty human beings get really nasty shit from me. That's what happens when people walk all over you your whole life mistaking your niceness for weakness. It's not my fault that the world is full of piece of shit opportunists. Not my fault I was bullied my whole life to the point I have raging mental illness triggered by people slighting me.
My mother pretended to hang herself in front of me for attention because she's a manipulative sociopath. Surprise! Your kids brain was still developing and now he's really wanted to hang himself for 15 years. Doesn't tell you though! Doesnt want to make you feel bad. Don't wrap the cord from the blinds around my neck in the living room to show my family some giant display. No I'm fucking highly irritable all of the time because I'm constantly distracted with thoughts nobody wants to have.
Wished my mom was dead for a long time. She always picked boyfriends over her sons. Moved junkie addict boyfriends into our home that she just met more than once. She'd tell us she had lung cancer. Lung disease, whatever else she could think of. Thought my mom was dying my whole life. It never stopped. Id be healthy at 25-27 years old and she'd just work on me. I'd be doing well so I'd try and support her and be the better person and she'd just wear me down until I was triggered. Then the family I actually care about like my wife and kids have to deal with an irritable triggered asshole. Snippy about everything.
I often wish she drowned me in a bath tub because it would have been quick. Instead she waterboarded me for 30 years to the point I want to drown myself.
Then a few months ago she became normal out of the blue. Took a while but I finally began talking to her after finally cutting her off. She seemed different. Like a parent. Not dumping on me. Not scratching at my guilt to try and control me. Then eventually she told me she had cancer. Real cancer. I knew it was real. I didn't have any doubt.
The irony? I feel guilty. Guilty for feeling ways that I had every right to feel. Things I wished on her that I can't take back. I'm not crazy, I know I didn't bring it on her but it doesn't make me feel any less guilty.
I'm sure she'll get better. Whether she does or not I'll be okay. I'd never harm myself over my mother. I'm just laughing at how I feel guilty for everything. It's sick to have an illness that is guilt driven. The guilt just makes me lash out. I can feel bad and instead of being nice likeva normal person, it triggers my illness.
I'm okay looking I guess. Probably even good looking. Have an 8 pack. Literally. The nicest abs I've ever seen in my life are mine.
Complain to a friend about being miserable? "You think you have it bad 8pac?" Direct quote.
Nobody understands. On social media, I'm sure I look like a giant douche nozzle. It's all upswing delusional confidence type bull shit. You just want to tell everyone that you want to kill yourself just so maybe they feel better. Maybe they don't hate you as much you think they do. I don't know.
Thanks to whoever read that. I just want to shoot myself in the face and I have these two beautiful children that I have to live for. I didn't want kids. Love em more than anything. I didn't want them because of my issues. My wife just stayed with me until it happened. I was an amazing father and healthy person with one. She wanted another. I was dead against it. I watch the kids full-time. I should have been heard.
It's my fault. But she'd get upset with me. And if I pulled out during those times, she'd act all rejected and whatever. Everybody who knows me, uses my guilt to get whatever they want from me. Since the second I have been in constant anguish. I'm no longer the world's greatest dad and that's the only thing I was proud of. I'm so irritable with them because Im distracted always. Both of them, my turmoil, cooking, cleaning, whatever else. It's just not the parent I was but it's the exact parent I knew I'd become and i just wish anyone respected me because I don't want to kill myself. I want to die but I don't want to do that to the people close to me.
Whatever. Just a selfish rant. Hope you all hang on for as long as you can.
Shitty human beings get really nasty shit from me. That's what happens when people walk all over you your whole life mistaking your niceness for weakness. It's not my fault that the world is full of piece of shit opportunists. Not my fault I was bullied my whole life to the point I have raging mental illness triggered by people slighting me.
My mother pretended to hang herself in front of me for attention because she's a manipulative sociopath. Surprise! Your kids brain was still developing and now he's really wanted to hang himself for 15 years. Doesn't tell you though! Doesnt want to make you feel bad. Don't wrap the cord from the blinds around my neck in the living room to show my family some giant display. No I'm fucking highly irritable all of the time because I'm constantly distracted with thoughts nobody wants to have.
Wished my mom was dead for a long time. She always picked boyfriends over her sons. Moved junkie addict boyfriends into our home that she just met more than once. She'd tell us she had lung cancer. Lung disease, whatever else she could think of. Thought my mom was dying my whole life. It never stopped. Id be healthy at 25-27 years old and she'd just work on me. I'd be doing well so I'd try and support her and be the better person and she'd just wear me down until I was triggered. Then the family I actually care about like my wife and kids have to deal with an irritable triggered asshole. Snippy about everything.
I often wish she drowned me in a bath tub because it would have been quick. Instead she waterboarded me for 30 years to the point I want to drown myself.
Then a few months ago she became normal out of the blue. Took a while but I finally began talking to her after finally cutting her off. She seemed different. Like a parent. Not dumping on me. Not scratching at my guilt to try and control me. Then eventually she told me she had cancer. Real cancer. I knew it was real. I didn't have any doubt.
The irony? I feel guilty. Guilty for feeling ways that I had every right to feel. Things I wished on her that I can't take back. I'm not crazy, I know I didn't bring it on her but it doesn't make me feel any less guilty.
I'm sure she'll get better. Whether she does or not I'll be okay. I'd never harm myself over my mother. I'm just laughing at how I feel guilty for everything. It's sick to have an illness that is guilt driven. The guilt just makes me lash out. I can feel bad and instead of being nice likeva normal person, it triggers my illness.
I'm okay looking I guess. Probably even good looking. Have an 8 pack. Literally. The nicest abs I've ever seen in my life are mine.
Complain to a friend about being miserable? "You think you have it bad 8pac?" Direct quote.
Nobody understands. On social media, I'm sure I look like a giant douche nozzle. It's all upswing delusional confidence type bull shit. You just want to tell everyone that you want to kill yourself just so maybe they feel better. Maybe they don't hate you as much you think they do. I don't know.
Thanks to whoever read that. I just want to shoot myself in the face and I have these two beautiful children that I have to live for. I didn't want kids. Love em more than anything. I didn't want them because of my issues. My wife just stayed with me until it happened. I was an amazing father and healthy person with one. She wanted another. I was dead against it. I watch the kids full-time. I should have been heard.
It's my fault. But she'd get upset with me. And if I pulled out during those times, she'd act all rejected and whatever. Everybody who knows me, uses my guilt to get whatever they want from me. Since the second I have been in constant anguish. I'm no longer the world's greatest dad and that's the only thing I was proud of. I'm so irritable with them because Im distracted always. Both of them, my turmoil, cooking, cleaning, whatever else. It's just not the parent I was but it's the exact parent I knew I'd become and i just wish anyone respected me because I don't want to kill myself. I want to die but I don't want to do that to the people close to me.
Whatever. Just a selfish rant. Hope you all hang on for as long as you can.
