Life is pain, but I am not allowed to escape

[EternalPain]

Hi, first post here, I've only recently discovered this forum and I'm more than happy that a place like this exists. Having no place to truly talk about my feelings without only getting told "get professional help" or "It'll get better some day" has been pretty draining.

I don't think my wish to CTB is just because of my depression, trauma, other mental things. I don't feel good about living. To me, death always seemed like the only way to escape the pain, escape myself. It has been the only thing keeping me from going crazy sometimes, knowing that there's a way out. Even in my best moments, I'd often just prefer to be dead. The only ones hurt by it are the people who are left behind.

My problem is just my fear of failure. I have failed multiple CTB attempts, and each time it's increased my wish to finally succeed. I've been locked away, not taken seriously, made fun of, and offered so so much help, but none of it has made a difference. In the end I always just wish to be gone. Asleep forever. To find eternal peace.
Now I just wonder, am I a horrible person for wishing peace for myself, even though many people have told me again and again it would hurt them? What about my pain? Can someone please tell me if they experience the same and if they know what to do?

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand your feelings towards existence, only death could ever bring me relief as well, existing just fills me with dread. I just find having the ability to exist as being something so dreadful, empty and pointless, there is no peace to be found in existing and I just don't get how anyone could feel good about existing in this world filled with endless cruelty and suffering.

Wishing for true peace could never make one a horrible person, it's a perfectly valid way to feel and nobody is obligated to continue existing anyway.
I don't get why anyone would wish for existence or see it as being desirable, only the eternity of death appeals to me. It's just so inhumane how we cannot just leave this existence in peace whenever we wish to, a suicide attempt going wrong is exactly what I would fear as well.

 

[EternalPain]

Thank you so so much for that. I feel like the whole world had just decided i'm an insane villain for wanting to find peace. If I could die without killing myself and hurting/traumatizing others, I'd want that instantly. But since there's no other way to decide how to pass away, I'm just gonna have to CTB. I don't want to die, I just don't want to be alive.