Breadbfra
Specialist
- Jul 16, 2020
- 374
I've been living my whole life thinking about how I could hurt others with my own actions. I've always been kind, compassionate, caring towards everyone, including people who didn't stand me (and I get that).
Sometimes depression gets associated with "pure souls" and I somehow think that can have a sprinkle of truth.
Anyways, I think about those, even on this site, who ctb'd (I hope they'll finally at peace now) and left their siblings, parents, friends. I'm not talking about people who had the worst family, I'm talking about people who had the "guts" to leave a caring family, friends, a husband or a wife.
I've tried to watch videos about mothers losing their children, I've talked to them, read about people who lost their mothers of father and their pain made me dreadful.
I have the best parents, the best girlfriend, many friends. I have the perfect life, except for a major chronic depression and a severely depressed dad. My mother lost her mother due to cancer, my girlfriend lost her mother due to suicide and I think: how shameful is by me to be hurting others who have already been hurt? How is acceptable for a mom that has done everything for her children and seeing her pass away due a depression-pandemic related relapse? How do I expect my girlfriend to be when she's still hurting about her mother, to find out the girl she wanted to marry bought Sodium Nitrite? But I keep hurting and it doesn't get better.
I envy too much those who don't care, or care the least. I feel like I'm in a prison and I'd like to know how do you cope with the reaction your beloved ones will certainly have?
Sometimes depression gets associated with "pure souls" and I somehow think that can have a sprinkle of truth.
Anyways, I think about those, even on this site, who ctb'd (I hope they'll finally at peace now) and left their siblings, parents, friends. I'm not talking about people who had the worst family, I'm talking about people who had the "guts" to leave a caring family, friends, a husband or a wife.
I've tried to watch videos about mothers losing their children, I've talked to them, read about people who lost their mothers of father and their pain made me dreadful.
I have the best parents, the best girlfriend, many friends. I have the perfect life, except for a major chronic depression and a severely depressed dad. My mother lost her mother due to cancer, my girlfriend lost her mother due to suicide and I think: how shameful is by me to be hurting others who have already been hurt? How is acceptable for a mom that has done everything for her children and seeing her pass away due a depression-pandemic related relapse? How do I expect my girlfriend to be when she's still hurting about her mother, to find out the girl she wanted to marry bought Sodium Nitrite? But I keep hurting and it doesn't get better.
I envy too much those who don't care, or care the least. I feel like I'm in a prison and I'd like to know how do you cope with the reaction your beloved ones will certainly have?