Thank you so much for asking. I'm trying to be as impartial as possible here so im sorry it ended up long.
My (ex now I guess) boyfriend and I were driving and something fell off the dashboard. I picked it up and put it back, but more things fell down. I didn't realize this immediately so I leaned back down in my seat but then started leaning forward again to get the stuff off the floor. He also began to pick it up and I didn't want to get in his way as I often do, so I let him. He interpreted this to mean that I didn't feel like putting in the effort to help him out while he was driving, which is indicative of the larger problem in our relationship that I don't do enough for him and expect too much in return.
He has a problem getting upset when people don't intuitively know what he wants them to know and understands it's an issue. Recently, he's been more moody than usual. He says that I snapped at him in response to his comments. I'm not sure that I did, even though I am tired of being used as a verbal punching bag and took on a different tone of voice when I tried to explain myself, that I wasn't just "giving up" and letting him take care of it but didn't notice immediately and then didn't want to get in his way when I saw he was picking the things up. I may have raised my voice.
And then I did end up snapping after he shouted at me for a few minutes about how little I provide him, called me useless and manipulative, and was overall just a loud jerk. I screamed at him about a lot of the things I'd been feeling, like how living with him has wrecked my self-esteem and how hurt I feel that he said he would help me when I moved 1000+ miles away from my unhealthy family situation and then let me rot for 5+ years, how I don't believe he's mentally well either and I'm tired of coping with his mood swings.
And then I snapped again and decided to leave. I've been thinking about this off and on for years now but it never seemed like a good decision. I was going to leave all my stuff and pets behind and pack my things and just go. I called the local DV shelter (he doesn't become violent with me often but has in the past) and they had a bed available and would be able to pick me up later that night. He kind of hovered around the room for a lot of the call, concerned that I was going to implicate him and the police would show up. They didn't. I started packing some things.
The person from the shelter called me back a few times as she figured things out. We came up with a plan and I was going to meet her some ways away from my house a little past 10pm. I had time to think about my situation and be a little more rational, while my ex was urging me to come talk to him.
I had some time and took a Klonopin and the more I started thinking, the more dumb it all started to seem. Like what the fuck am I going to do in a domestic violence shelter. Do I really want that life for myself, and the life beyond that that could be provided to someone this sick. I thought about the plausibility of ctbing in that kind of situation if I needed to and how long it would be before (or if) I'd have an address SN could be delivered to so I chickened out.
My ex was calming down and starting to be nice again. We sat down and talked about things for a while and I guess I'm staying. I fell right into the trap. I don't know what I'm going to do.
We were talking a little afterwards and the person at the shelter told me that maybe I'm just not ready to leave, something I've heard about a lot things. I was panicking and asked what if I kill myself before I'm ready. I didn't expect an answer or anything, it's just something I think about a lot after so long of never being "ready" for all sorts of things.
I'm feeling pretty uneasy. All the problems are still there but now that I'm not panicking, I can actually think about my options and they're pretty limited. I live in a rural area and when I ask mental health services and my case worker for more support, I'm told the resources just aren't there. I doubt the shelter would be able to help me much either and I'm not totally jazzed about the idea living as an impoverished and disabled single woman with no family depending on services & charity to get by in a world that doesn't really want me anyway. The possibility of anything more seems far-fetched. I've had no control over my life so far and I don't expect that to change just because Im living alone or something.
Thank you.
I'm okay for tonight.
No friends or family unfortunately. I live 10+ hours from where I grew up, all of my friends have moved on, and my mother believes I'm faking my mental illness so isn't interested in helping. It's been a really lonely life so far ;;
