Last day. Maybe? Hopefully. ADVICE?

[burninghill]

TL;DR + advice needed at bottom.

I said I'd kill myself tomorrow but I haven't been confident in anything for a long time. It might happen, it might not.

I hope that it does so that I can finally end these torturous cycles. I just need to stay out of my own head, don't overthink. I suppose part of me just doesn't believe that it's really happening, it's something I've wanted for a long time.

I bought new headphones specifically for the occasion to try and block out some of the train noise which means I also need to choose some music.


TL;DR:
Gonna die tomorrow hopefully. That's it LMAO

Advice? I'd really like some advice on using DPH to try and dampen SI and also how to ratio it with alcohol?
DPH is known to cause anxiety and paranoia which I'm not sure would make things worse or better for me. I have used it a few times before and not felt anxious.
I'd really appreciate an opinion on this.

Please feel free to message me. I don't want to feel lonely today.

 

[themisfit]

Dear, I get this feeling you don't want to go…

You have got so much recently. Money, boyfriend, friends

I know these intrusive thoughts are hurting you, but you're still so young. Are you sure you can't figure it out somehow, or maybe wait a little more?

I would be so glad if you stayed

But whatever you decide, I only wish the best for you

Warm hugs

 

[burninghill]

Dear, I get this feeling you don't want to go…

You have got so much recently. Money, boyfriend, friends

I know these intrusive thoughts are hurting you, but you're still so young. Are you sure you can't figure it out somehow, or maybe wait a little more?

I would be so glad if you stayed

But whatever you decide, I only wish the best for you

Warm hugs

I know I am young but I am sure. I've been suicidal for a very long time. I have a lot going for me but it doesn't seem to matter, I'm still severely depressed

 

[youremy]

Why are you taking DPH for your attempt?

All I've heard are the trip reports of horror for high doses.

 

[burninghill]

Why are you taking DPH for your attempt?

All I've heard are the trip reports of horror for high doses.

Because I love DPH haha. You start experiencing horror around 500-600mg, I usually cruise around 200-300 and it's fine.
I also figure it might dampen SI if you're not totally tweaking.

 

[CatLvr]

Like @themisfit said, I also feel like you aren't really REALLY sure this is path you want to take right now. And if it is not, that is perfectly okay.

Your choice, of course, if you want to go ahead with your plan but before you try let me give you a little advice, please. IF you give CTB a honest effort and you fail (I have done this a couple of times) when you come to and realize you didn't accomplish what you set out to do you will experience a tailspin that will set you on your heels. I didn't think I could actually feel any worse than I did right before my attempts. Turns out I was VERY wrong about that.

So, there is no harm in waiting if you are even the least little bit unsure.

Also, another member here once said that IF there is something you wanted to, or need to, do before you go, DO IT. Make a list of all the things you will likely regret not doing and give yourself time to do those things before you go. You will accomplish one of two things -- you will be able to die with the peace that comes from knowing you did everything in your power to deal with the things you feel are most important in your life ... OR ... You will find, like I did, that the mental load from not handling whatever it was, was MUCH worse than the ACTUAL dealing with shit is, and you will find yourself it a recovery.

Do I know how long this is gonna last for me? No. I still have days when I sit and look at my garden ... Or the moon ... And wonder why I am still here, even though I know EXACTLY why I am still on this side. Do I still have bad days?? Of course. And sometimes they are fucking brutal. But the good days make it easier to deal with the bad -- and because I was just a little bit brave that day and made that list and then worked my way through it I am ... Better.

Not cured. Not storybook happy. Not even like "normal" people. But better. And for right now better is enough. So ... Try it. Who knows ... You might find yourself better, too. And if you don't, then, well, then at least you will know you tried your best.

Whatever you decide, know I support you fully. It IS your choice and whatever you choose, I support your decision completely.

 

[burninghill]

Like @themisfit said, I also feel like you aren't really REALLY sure this is path you want to take right now. And if it is not, that is perfectly okay.

Your choice, of course, if you want to go ahead with your plan but before you try let me give you a little advice, please. IF you give CTB a honest effort and you fail (I have done this a couple of times) when you come to and realize you didn't accomplish what you set out to do you will experience a tailspin that will set you on your heels. I didn't think I could actually feel any worse than I did right before my attempts. Turns out I was VERY wrong about that.

So, there is no harm in waiting if you are even the least little bit unsure.

Also, another member here once said that IF there is something you wanted to, or need to, do before you go, DO IT. Make a list of all the things you will likely regret not doing and give yourself time to do those things before you go. You will accomplish one of two things -- you will be able to die with the peace that comes from knowing you did everything in your power to deal with the things you feel are most important in your life ... OR ... You will find, like I did, that the mental load from not handling whatever it was, was MUCH worse than the ACTUAL dealing with shit is, and you will find yourself it a recovery.

Do I know how long this is gonna last for me? No. I still have days when I sit and look at my garden ... Or the moon ... And wonder why I am still here, even though I know EXACTLY why I am still on this side. Do I still have bad days?? Of course. And sometimes they are fucking brutal. But the good days make it easier to deal with the bad -- and because I was just a little bit brave that day and made that list and then worked my way through it I am ... Better.

Not cured. Not storybook happy. Not even like "normal" people. But better. And for right now better is enough. So ... Try it. Who knows ... You might find yourself better, too. And if you don't, then, well, then at least you will know you tried your best.

Whatever you decide, know I support you fully. It IS your choice and whatever you choose, I support your decision completely.

I have two attempts under my belt from this time last year. I told myself that I would give things another chance when I abandoned my attempt date in April and it hasn't been worth it.

I do not have good days. Not every day is horrible, but none of them are good. I'm living a constant life of dullness and upset.
This is absolutely the path that I want to take, it's only human to not be entirely sure if you can do it. I mean, killing yourself goes against every instinct possible.

It's not that I'm unsure if I want to, it's that I'm unsure if my body can do it. It makes me a bit frustrated that people think that I don't know what I want. I've lived this life for so long, been through the cycles. The least I can do for myself is die at a time where I'm not at a point of total desperation.

I've done everything I've wanted to do. There isn't anything left that I want to experience. I don't want to try and I don't want to get better. I have known since I was a child that I would eventually kill myself and I want it more than anything else.

I just want a peaceful goodbye, not to be told I should doubt myself.

 

[CatLvr]

I have two attempts under my belt from this time last year. I told myself that I would give things another chance when I abandoned my attempt date in April and it hasn't been worth it.

I do not have good days. Not every day is horrible, but none of them are good. I'm living a constant life of dullness and upset.
This is absolutely the path that I want to take, it's only human to not be entirely sure if you can do it. I mean, killing yourself goes against every instinct possible.

It's not that I'm unsure if I want to, it's that I'm unsure if my body can do it. It makes me a bit frustrated that people think that I don't know what I want. I've lived this life for so long, been through the cycles. The least I can do for myself is die at a time where I'm not at a point of total desperation.

I've done everything I've wanted to do. There isn't anything left that I want to experience. I don't want to try and I don't want to get better. I have known since I was a child that I would eventually kill myself and I want it more than anything else.

I just want a peaceful goodbye, not to be told I should doubt myself.

I'm so sorry you thought I was chastising you in some way. That was absolutely not my intent at all. My comments were not intended to cause you to doubt yourself. They were to see if maybe there was something that was holding you back -- SI is often the result of unresolved issues and I certainly was grateful to the original poster who pointed that out to me.

Like I said I support your decision 100% -- it IS your decision to make, and it frustrates me (as it does all of us, I think) that even though you have done all the things you have to try and get better, you still don't feel you have any quality of life and wish to leave, but society makes it horribly difficult to do so.

Ultimately all I want for you is for you to find the peace we all seek, if not in this life, then in whatever is next for all of us eventually.

 

[Passenger4224]

I have two attempts under my belt from this time last year. I told myself that I would give things another chance when I abandoned my attempt date in April and it hasn't been worth it.

I do not have good days. Not every day is horrible, but none of them are good. I'm living a constant life of dullness and upset.
This is absolutely the path that I want to take, it's only human to not be entirely sure if you can do it. I mean, killing yourself goes against every instinct possible.

It's not that I'm unsure if I want to, it's that I'm unsure if my body can do it. It makes me a bit frustrated that people think that I don't know what I want. I've lived this life for so long, been through the cycles. The least I can do for myself is die at a time where I'm not at a point of total desperation.

I've done everything I've wanted to do. There isn't anything left that I want to experience. I don't want to try and I don't want to get better. I have known since I was a child that I would eventually kill myself and I want it more than anything else.

I just want a peaceful goodbye, not to be told I should doubt myself.

Without the context you just added it came off like you weren't sure ("it might happen, it might not"), but after reading your latest response it makes a lot more sense. You said it's just that you're worried about if you can do it, not if you're ready. I understand that completely, in fact I think it's a normal thing to worry about

Living your last day must feel strange, especially if you are forced to pretend to other people that you aren't

What is the last song you will listen to?

 

[burninghill]

I'm so sorry you thought I was chastising you in some way. That was absolutely not my intent at all. My comments were not intended to cause you to doubt yourself. They were to see if maybe there was something that was holding you back -- SI is often the result of unresolved issues and I certainly was grateful to the original poster who pointed that out to me.

Like I said I support your decision 100% -- it IS your decision to make, and it frustrates me (as it does all of us, I think) that even though you have done all the things you have to try and get better, you still don't feel you have any quality of life and wish to leave, but society makes it horribly difficult to do so.

Ultimately all I want for you is for you to find the peace we all seek, if not in this life, then in whatever is next for all of us eventually.

I'm sorry haha, I can get a bit defensive. You didn't really make me doubt myself, it just felt like you were doubting me. There's nothing real holding me back, I'm okay. I think we just hold different perspectives on SI, I don't think it's necessarily something that can be overcome by resolving things in your life.

I really wish for peace for you too in whatever form is best for you. I really appreciate the care I can tell you have for people on here.

Without the context you just added it came off like you weren't sure ("it might happen, it might not"), but after reading your latest response it makes a lot more sense. You said it's just that you're worried about if you can do it, not if you're ready. I understand that completely, in fact I think it's a normal thing to worry about

Living your last day must feel strange, especially if you are forced to pretend to other people that you aren't

What is the last song you will listen to?

I apologised to the other commenter that I replied to but I would like to clarify that I recognise my response was really defensive and maybe not in the best taste.

Nobody even knows about my previous attempts, the fact I'm depressed or suicidal. I grew up autistic and masking and my emotional needs were put aside for that of my brother who has higher support requirements. I'm used to having to hide things like this and I don't let people get emotionally close to me. It is odd in a way, but not unfamiliar.
I think coming home from my last attempts felt the most strange. I came back in such a state and nobody knew what I'd done. Not my classmates, my mum, the bus driver. It's really really weird.

I'm not sure yet. I like a lot of Mitski and Radiohead but I usually like their quieter tracks and I'd like something loud to block things out.
Current options are:

Sleepyhead- Passion Pit
Fireproof (cover)- Mitski
My Body's Made of Crushed Little Stars- Mitski
Miss World (Hole) and India Rubber (Radiohead) are two songs specifically associated with my last attempts so, maybe those too.

 

[CatLvr]

O

I'm sorry haha, I can get a bit defensive. You didn't really make me doubt myself, it just felt like you were doubting me. There's nothing real holding me back, I'm okay. I think we just hold different perspectives on SI, I don't think it's necessarily something that can be overcome by resolving things in your life.

I really wish for peace for you too in whatever form is best for you. I really appreciate the care I can tell you have for people on here.

I apologised to the other commenter that I replied to but I would like to clarify that I recognise my response was really defensive and maybe not in the best taste.

Nobody even knows about my previous attempts, the fact I'm depressed or suicidal. I grew up autistic and masking and my emotional needs were put aside for that of my brother who has higher support requirements. I'm used to having to hide things like this and I don't let people get emotionally close to me. It is odd in a way, but not unfamiliar.
I think coming home from my last attempts felt the most strange. I came back in such a state and nobody knew what I'd done. Not my classmates, my mum, the bus driver. It's really really weird.

I'm not sure yet. I like a lot of Mitski and Radiohead but I usually like their quieter tracks and I'd like something loud to block things out.
Current options are:

Sleepyhead- Passion Pit
Fireproof (cover)- Mitski
My Body's Made of Crushed Little Stars- Mitski
Miss World (Hole) and India Rubber (Radiohead) are two songs specifically associated with my last attempts so, maybe those too.

Oh heavens you are good!! I don't want to see anyone leave -- if I had my way we'd all figure out how to fix our wonky brains (and bodies -- chronic physical pain is every bit the bitch mental pain is) and be posting in the Recovery section of the forum. But ... Alas ... That is not how this world works, so I will just say I hope you have a peaceful, gentle transition. (And good taste in music! )

 

[burninghill]

I'm so drink please talk to me yo . I have had June barely anyone to message and I wanttt to engage with thu community. Such a good community guys

 

[CatLvr]

I'm so drink please talk to me yo . I have had June barely anyone to message and I wanttt to engage with thu community. Such a good community guys

I dunno what's going on with the forum -- it keeps knocking me off and then takes FOREVER to load again when I refresh my screen ... But I can hang for a little bit -- puppy dog has a wellness check at the vet's in a couple hours. Wanna see him?? He is a Cane Corso, is eating me out of house and home and is frigging ADORABLE ... But I might be kinda partial ... Lol Right now he is trying to eat me! I gotta say I will be glad when he is outta his mouthy puppy stage ...

 

[burninghill]

I dunno what's going on with the forum -- it keeps knocking me off and then takes FOREVER to load again when I refresh my screen ... But I can hang for a little bit -- puppy dog has a wellness check at the vet's in a couple hours. Wanna see him?? He is a Cane Corso, is eating me out of house and home and is frigging ADORABLE ... But I might be kinda partial ... Lol Right now he is trying to eat me! I gotta say I will be glad when he is outta his mouthy puppy stage ...

Oh my gif okssde plwase me your puppy. I have a puppy too . A dog I mean he's a year old now te liked to eat the sofa when he was a baby.
Oh m

Oh my gif okssde plwase me your puppy. I have a puppy too . A dog I mean he's a year old now te liked to eat the sofa when he was a baby.

y gosh I see you're out a picture

I dunno what's going on with the forum -- it keeps knocking me off and then takes FOREVER to load again when I refresh my screen ... But I can hang for a little bit -- puppy dog has a wellness check at the vet's in a couple hours. Wanna see him?? He is a Cane Corso, is eating me out of house and home and is frigging ADORABLE ... But I might be kinda partial ... Lol Right now he is trying to eat me! I gotta say I will be glad when he is outta his mouthy puppy stage ...

oh my god i see yo e out a icture but i cant see it. itll load soon . cane corsos are big right? how come you chose a can corso?? im realyl sorry about my grammmar

 

[CatLvr]

Oh my gif okssde plwase me your puppy. I have a puppy too . A dog I mean he's a year old now te liked to eat the sofa when he was a baby.

There I finally got it to load. What the heck is going on around here. Those 2 in the background -- the ginger Shar pei mix is a rescue and the OG. He's laid back as they come. His name is Snoop.

The Boston Terrier (we call him the Boston Terrorist) -- his name is Diddy. And yes -- he earned it. And yes -- he is neutered. I'd be terrified to see what he would be like if he was intact. 🫪

And Ginger, the toy poodle is the last of this crew. Talk about being outnumbered. Haha!

 

[burninghill]

There I finally got it to load. What the heck is going on around here. Those 2 in the background -- the ginger Shar pei mix is a rescue and the OG. He's laid back as they come. His name is Snoop.

The Boston Terrier (we call him the Boston Terrorist) -- his name is Diddy. And yes -- he earned it. And yes -- he is neutered. I'd be terrified to see what he would be like if he was intact. 🫪

And Ginger, the toy poodle is the last of this crew. Talk about being outnumbered. Haha!

View attachment 202942

Diddy and snoop oh my gif this is great . Yiu are out numbered! I love dogs. Do you have any mitemore pets?

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I wish I knew what to say that would help because I honestly know nothing about DPH. I've also been where you are, thinking that "today will be my last day" only to still be alive for several days and months later. Suicide isn't easy and it isn't cowardly either, despite what some idiots might say about it. Going through with it takes a lot of courage.

If today really does end up being your last day I wish you the best of luck in your plans and I hope you find peace in them. I wish I could do the same for myself.

 

[CatLvr]

Diddy and snoop oh my gif this is great . Yiu are out numbered! I love dogs. Do you have any mitemore pets?

Oh hell yes!! I have 5 cats -- MissPriss, FatBastard (because they both just ARE ... lol), Garfield, BatCat and Violet.

Well shoot ... It's not letting me load pics. I have 3 ducks, 3 chickens and 6 zebra finches, too. Oh and some bobwhite quail.

 

[burninghill]

Oh hell yes!! I have 5 cats -- MissPriss, FatBastard (because they both just ARE ... lol), Garfield, BatCat and Violet.

Well shoot ... It's not letting me load pics. I have 3 ducks, 3 chickens and 6 zebra finches, too. Oh and some bobwhite quail.

Oh my god zebra finches make the bf funniest sounds. I used to work in a pet store and we had them there. They were my favs. If I had birds I'd have zebra finches. You've got a whole zoo!!!!

I wish I knew what to say that would help because I honestly know nothing about DPH. I've also been where you are, thinking that "today will be my last day" only to still be alive for several days and months later. Suicide isn't easy and it isn't cowardly either, despite what some idiots might say about it. Going through with it takes a lot of courage.

If today really does end up being your last day I wish you the best of luck in your plans and I hope you find peace in them. I wish I could do the same for myself.

I've been in this position too haha. I thought November 1st would be my last dyah now I'm here in June ha. Cause I was a coward. It does take courage. Thank you.

 

[CatLvr]

Oh my god zebra finches make the bf funniest sounds. I used to work in a pet store and we had them there. They were my favs. If I had birds I'd have zebra finches. You've got a whole zoo!!!!

I've been in this position too haha. I thought November 1st would be my last dyah now I'm here in June ha. Cause I was a coward. It does take courage. Thank you.

That's why I have them!! That little peeping noise is SO soothing to me! I LOVE them!! And yep! It's crazy around here -- every single one of the cats were ferals that someone dumped around here and then found their way here. Once I got them to trust me enough to touch them that was it -- they went and got neutered and then became inside cats. Lol

Oh!! I forgot about the nest of baby possums in the backyard! Though they aren't really pets. I am just putting food out for them but I'm not messing with them because I don't want them to lose their fear of humans. Not everybody is as kind as I am, unfortunately.

 

[TatMend32]

I hope this text is translated well by Google Translate. My English isn't good enough to write on my own.

I just want to tell you to seek the light. Once you realize you've left the physical plane, just seek the light. There's no room for regrets or looking back. No one will judge you. Just seek peace.

May you be very happy.

 

[ihateittoo]

I'm so drink please talk to me yo . I have had June barely anyone to message and I wanttt to engage with thu community. Such a good community guys

im glad to see im not the only one who goes on here drunk. whats your drink of choice? i love those fireball shooters and 4lokos

 

[burninghill]

im glad to see im not the only one who goes on here drunk. whats your drink of choice? i love those fireball shooters and 4lokos

Oh I love 4loko. I usually just go for shots of cheap vodka and dragon soop which is just some cheap corner store premixed, pretty much 4loko but stronger with a different skin lmao