Venting Lacking direction, Wasted potential

[iwillgrowwings]

I've been having suicidal thoughts for years now, I don't think I could name when they started. I don't think I have much purpose nor direction in life, and truthfully, I could. Ive been told all my life that I'm 'bright'. But it's all wasted on a useless person who can't work for their goals and blames things on other people. I hate being like this, and it's half the reason I've wanted to CTB. I can't change. Every time I try to I mess up again, and it all crumbles to bits. The worst thing is that I'm incredibly privileged, and have been given so much and so many chances, and parents and siblings who love me. But I keep dissapointing them, myself, and everyone around me. I just feel obligated to stay and 'power through' but I can't even do that. I'm just stuck on this odd fence between staying and giving up. I don't really want to go, not really. I just want to change, and I can't even do that, so...
I dunno. I think therapy would really help me, but I know if I talk at all about my real problems, they're legally obligated to report me. I don't want to be on anyone's radar for that.

 

[HeinzKell]

I completely relate with you! I know that feeling of wasted potential and thinking "If I could've tried just a bit harder...", it isn't east. Just thinking about the time you've "lost" from lack of direction and indecisiveness is a super hard thing to come to terms with. You aren't alone here

Also I would give therapy a shot, even if you have things to say that you think would incline a therapist to break patient confidentiality. Just talking about what you said here would at least be worth a try