Today it really hit me in a way that it hadn't quite hit me before. I won't be missed. At least largely.
My grandparents will no doubt be sad. I don't really know, nor care what my emotionally abusive parents will feel. My sister will be sad too, that sucks the most. But fortunately me and her were never that close and didn't really grow up together (she's way younger than me). Other than that, there's one person IRL who's sort of a friend that I have. He might be bummed, but we've barely talked the last few months and he's dealt with this kind of stuff before and deals with it well. So I'm not too worried.
Other than that, no one will ever even notice that I'm gone. I literally have no one else in my life at all. No one else will ever shed a tear for me. Or even think about me.
I have mixed feelings about that, tbh.
On the one hand, it's definitely a good thing. I won't be hurting too many people on my way out and objectively you can't call that anything but good. If I had a bunch of friends who cared about me or a girlfriend who loved me or I was really close with my family or something that would cause a lot more damage. So in that sense it's a good thing.
On the other hand, I found myself crying today about the fact that I really mean that little to anyone. No one will ever truly love me. I have no one to really say a tearful goodbye to even if I could. And that really hurts.
I think today I realized that one thing that's been keeping me from ending it is that I just wish that I had someone to hug, to tell me it's alright and to cry with me before I end it. I know that's a silly fantasy because probably anyone who cared that much would not let me go through with it. But, idk, I wish I had that. I wish I could feel some love as my final emotion.
My grandparents will no doubt be sad. I don't really know, nor care what my emotionally abusive parents will feel. My sister will be sad too, that sucks the most. But fortunately me and her were never that close and didn't really grow up together (she's way younger than me). Other than that, there's one person IRL who's sort of a friend that I have. He might be bummed, but we've barely talked the last few months and he's dealt with this kind of stuff before and deals with it well. So I'm not too worried.
Other than that, no one will ever even notice that I'm gone. I literally have no one else in my life at all. No one else will ever shed a tear for me. Or even think about me.
I have mixed feelings about that, tbh.
On the one hand, it's definitely a good thing. I won't be hurting too many people on my way out and objectively you can't call that anything but good. If I had a bunch of friends who cared about me or a girlfriend who loved me or I was really close with my family or something that would cause a lot more damage. So in that sense it's a good thing.
On the other hand, I found myself crying today about the fact that I really mean that little to anyone. No one will ever truly love me. I have no one to really say a tearful goodbye to even if I could. And that really hurts.
I think today I realized that one thing that's been keeping me from ending it is that I just wish that I had someone to hug, to tell me it's alright and to cry with me before I end it. I know that's a silly fantasy because probably anyone who cared that much would not let me go through with it. But, idk, I wish I had that. I wish I could feel some love as my final emotion.
