Venting Kinda feeling some anger about life today. Not sure why.

[Livingvsdying25]

Folks(my family mainly) would beat me down constantly, physically harm me, tell me.how awful I was etc etc but suddenly this narrative that they "cared" was created. I am just realizing I bought into to this stupid shit for YEARS. Especially the last few years and im angry about it.

Now I hate life & was suicidal for so long and they had the nerve to shame me about it.

I've been thinking about how when I leave my note I didn't want it to be angry or accusatory butttt everytime I write one it ends up being angry. Im not even blaming anyone but once I acknowledge the abuse it just makes the whole thing feel very pointed...

Anyway I'm just feelin a bit of that anger today. Angry for abuse & injustice. Angry bc I'm bored not living but I'm also not wanting to live at all.

Annoyed that method planning or even purchasing is a barrier like damn. Why can't I die of a heart attack or smthin. Hell I felt like I was having one in May went to hospital they just wrote I came in for "weakness" and that I am fine / experiencing psycho-symptomatic symptoms

So even if I was to live and if I ever had symptoms of a heart attack I wouldn't feel comfortable going to the hospital. The medical system has failed me so fucking much its actually disgusting.

I'm just... tired & bored tbh. Bored bc I am truthfully waiting around to die. I don't & cant travel. I can barly afford my basic needs/medical needs so I don't have some "before i die bucket list" bc I wouldn't be able to do most of em anyway.

I'm done like let's wrap the shit up and be done with it but ohhh wait method accessibility. In a bit / at some point today I'm checking the cost of all my instruments and choosing which one to sell. It's time to get this nitrogen set!!! Up!!

I think I'm angry with life as a whole bc once I imagine my death I'm filled with excitement. Complicated feelings and def not used to being at this place but... happy that I'm ready. No more push & pull.

Im getting hungry again and I really dunno wtf to eat. Kinda just want junk food.. will probs order smthin cheap..I finally called the organization that is suppose to pay me for the table talk event I did in May. I haven't heard back from the person in 2 fucking weeks. Like I want my money!! I need more cannabis products too. I wish it was covered but it isnt.

Think ima block my aunt bc I don't need this shit or doubt or being verified by anyone anymore. And it making me anxious to think of her response. Don't need that on my plate.

Rambling kinda getting sleepy but yeee. End of this month is looking very promising. Hope I can sleep soon. Hope I am paid soon. Hope that I can find things that are both stimulating & relaxing enough to pass the time by. I don't feel like moving at all right now but shall check the mail soon.
Hope I can get enough money to purchase the nitrogen or find an SN source for Canada.

Im no longer praying to keep me going. Im praying to give me strength to end this.

Gonna just try to sleep now. Sleep is such a great escape.

 

[MrDarkness]

Sleep is lovely, i always look some what forward to my death. I hope life will turn around for you. But I understand your reasons to ctb, best of luck. Life has awful shit in it, but at least something can make us all smile

 

[FuneralCry]

It's so horrible how humans create so much harm in this world, but anyway I wish you the best with your plans, it's certainly understandable wishing to finally be free from everything. To me sleeping really is the best way to pass the time as it's the closest thing to not existing, I just wish it was easier to sleep permanently.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Late evening update:

Sleep really is the bomb but can be so elusive

I had actually fallen asleep randomly and woke up drooling LOL but now im awake again and hopefully will be asleep soon. Gonna watch youtube vids.

I'm kinda craving soda but don't have any rn

 

[MrDarkness]

Late evening update:

Sleep really is the bomb but can be so elusive

I had actually fallen asleep randomly and woke up drooling LOL but now im awake again and hopefully will be asleep soon. Gonna watch youtube vids.

I'm kinda craving soda but don't have any rn

Clearly your body needed the rest, try to get some soda and party ya know, today I feel sad but also in a warm loving mood. Hope the rest of your day goes well

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Clearly your body needed the rest, try to get some soda and party ya know, today I feel sad but also in a warm loving mood. Hope the rest of your day goes well

Thnxx and lolol clearly it did.
Maybe I will get some soda

Sorry to hear ya feel sad but ik watcha mean about those warm lovong moods & they can be really nice. Hope the rest of ur days goes well as well

 

[cami]

they actually wrote you came in for weakness? what the hell is wrong with some medical professionals.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

they actually wrote you came in for weakness? what the hell is wrong with some medical professionals.

Yuppp like I actually jus finally readt he report today bc it was too triggering to read before but it said "reason of visit: weakness" like I think I made some posts on here while I was there but I was having chest pains, could barly breathe , couldn't walk and had fallen that day too.

But nope just "weakness" they didn't even do an ECG like they said they would. Just bloodwork that as usual comes back normal and sent me on my way. I also noticed in the report I kept seeing how I appeared "calm" which I was bc I expected neglect but like maybe if I wasn't then I wouldn't have appeared as "ok" & gotten more help but maybe that just would've made the care worse.

The medical system is fucked bc when it fails people then like myself one becomes scared to even get help/ends up with a lot of medical trauma.

It's so upsetting bc ik if they can treat someone like me/with my symptoms like that then one can only wonder how they treat others