KIB

[calloftheabyss]

I lost my best friend in high school. I loved her, if we're going to be honest. She was sweet, Compassionate, smart, and so funny. We'd dated for awhile, but we were on the same sports team, and our couch had a rule about dating teammates. So, we broke up, but still stayed really close. She finally started dating this other guy after a few months. I was okay with it, I'd started seeing someone as well. Truth be told though, I think we both still had feelings for eachother, just repressed them for our team. The guy she had gotten with was extremely abusive though. He'd threaten suicide many of the times they fought, which was often. They had a pact for when he was set to move away, as he said he'd ctb earlier if she didn't join him. She was too caring for others, and openly admitted numerous times she was only with him out of fear of what he'd do. Finally, their last fight he'd made threats again, but this time he had an accident with a firearm. It wasn't purposeful, but he passed away. She spiraled from there, never believing it wasn't purposeful, or her fault. I talked her out of ctb daily for weeks, but finally I couldn't keep saving her. She committed ctb on a snowy morning. I knew it would happen, but I just wanted to stop her, save her. She was my best friend, one of the only people I've ever clicked with like that. We understood eachother's depression well, hell, just eachother's minds. She was like a beautiful female version of me. I miss her, having her understanding and appreciation. She was so curious about the world. She was so caring, she found joy in other's smiles. Her laughter was contagious, as was her smile. She had her struggles though, but I loved all her rough edges. I know it's not my fault, but I still carry the guilt of it all. I just miss having someone who understands, and love me the way I loved them. I haven't found anyone who reciprocates the same. I just want to join her.