Venting Just what’s inside my mind at the moment

[Emerita]

I used to fear that this is all I am I was so consumed by shame that I just wanted my humanity stripped away from me. But that fear seems unreasonable now, as death strips the humanity from a person a corpse decays, the atoms I am will always be, but they won't be me. Parts of me will dissolve and become something new. But still for now I hold an identity I don't wish to.

It sometimes feels like there's a glitching in and out of myself, an escape from reality. Nothing is real, or everything is so painfully real it's agonizing. I've been the deer caught in the headlights, struck by fear because memories tortured me they constantly assaulted.

My mind is a conviction that was brought onto me.. I can forgive that, but I can't reconcile with living. Life is still unstable, as if the floor is falling beneath me, and there's no end to this downward plunge. There's a gaping hole inside me that can't be filled.

The world is full of noise, like the static on a television, but I can't turn it off it's always there. Yet I'm always alone with this noise, unable to speak. Say my goodbye. I want to turn it off. I imagine bashing my head in, just to stop it. Sometimes I just feel like I'm going fucking crazy.

I've become too tired for time it seems a waste to endure. I have no plea to offer that asks to save me. The patience I once had is gone. Simply, I'm seeking my peace. The knowing that the end will be is a blessing it gives a freedom to this conviction of pain.

(Im not ctb right now just to be clear this is just a stream of my thoughts)

 

[AreWeWinning]

I used to fear that this is all I am I was so consumed by shame that I just wanted my humanity stripped away from me. But that fear seems unreasonable now, as death strips the humanity from a person a corpse decays, the atoms I am will always be, but they won't be me. Parts of me will dissolve and become something new. But still for now I hold an identity I don't wish to.

It sometimes feels like there's a glitching in and out of myself, an escape from reality. Nothing is real, or everything is so painfully real it's agonizing. I've been the deer caught in the headlights, struck by fear because memories tortured me they constantly assaulted.

My mind is a conviction that was brought onto me.. I can forgive that, but I can't reconcile with living. Life is still unstable, as if the floor is falling beneath me, and there's no end to this downward plunge. There's a gaping hole inside me that can't be filled.

The world is full of noise, like the static on a television, but I can't turn it off it's always there. Yet I'm always alone with this noise, unable to speak. Say my goodbye. I want to turn it off. I imagine bashing my head in, just to stop it. Sometimes I just feel like I'm going fucking crazy.

I've become too tired for time it seems a waste to endure. I have no plea to offer that asks to save me. The patience I once had is gone. Simply, I'm seeking my peace. The knowing that the end will be is a blessing it gives a freedom to this conviction of pain.

(Im not ctb right now just to be clear this is just a stream of my thoughts)

Nice writing. You clearly have a talent with words! It's interesting to have a glimpse into others' minds through such posts, and to see how different people's experiences can be, yet lead to the same results. For some people, like you, it's more about the emotional state. (Unless I misunderstood you, of course.) For me, I don't feel the "noise, like the static on a television". I feel like I can see the world clearly – it's just not what I want to see. And I don't feel I'm going crazy, as long as someone doesn't call all suicidal people crazy just on principle. I simply feel like it's the logical and rational decision, because I'm useless and life doesn't give me satisfaction.

 

[Emerita]

Nice writing. You clearly have a talent with words! It's interesting to have a glimpse into others' minds through such posts, and to see how different people's experiences can be, yet lead to the same results. For some people, like you, it's more about the emotional state. (Unless I misunderstood you, of course.) For me, I don't feel the "noise, like the static on a television". I feel like I can see the world clearly – it's just not what I want to see. And I don't feel I'm going crazy, as long as someone doesn't call all suicidal people crazy just on principle. I simply feel like it's the logical and rational decision, because I'm useless and life doesn't give me satisfaction.

I think the crazy feeling comes from the fact that I feel like Im switching back and forth, like there two different versions of me (both suicidal) like right now reading back what I wrote I feel no connection to those words but I do towards yours.