Venting just venting

[annique]

It's been years upon years of suffering. Both caused by traumas and by philosophical views I have about human Life itself. Despite having already tried plenty of different treatments, I feel that I have hardly improved at all. In fact, it seems likes the psychological torture I face has gradually increased over time.

In my imagination, sometimes, I see myself in distant places, full of the beauties of nature, full of lovely people and devoid of any violence that exists here on Earth. I've even dreamed of places like those at night. Maybe those places are how paradise is like after death? I don't know.

I can no longer motivate myself to continue doing the normal things a person "should" do. I feel anxious whenever I picture myself getting old and seeing my body slowly rotting away. Currently, I haven't been able to focus on college, nor on dreams or ambitions.

At times, I'm asked how I see myself a decade from now. I usually answer this question with answers that are generic and expected: "I see myself working", "I see myself graduated", "I see myself building a career" etc. Well, those answers are lies, just so I don't sound too obnoxious in the ears of whom I'm asked by. But when I really force myself to visualize my future, I can't see anything. Well, I can actually see a dark background. Is this how nonexistence is like? I don't know.

Would I be different hadn't I gone through so many traumas in my childhood and adolescence? Would I ever think of suicide? Would I perhaps be with friends having fun right now? I don't know. I don't think I'll ever know either.

Well, all I have left is to yearn for the days to stop marching on. I hope I can rest and heal from the wounds of the soul once Time decides to stop dragging me through this rough asphalt that is Life. I left many blood trails on the roads of the Past. Now, I'm full of cuts all over my body.

Please Time, let go of my hands and leave me laying down in the way.

 

[keitaro]

In my imagination, sometimes, I see myself in distant places, full of the beauties of nature, full of lovely people and devoid of any violence that exists here on Earth. I've even dreamed of places like those at night. Maybe those places are how paradise is like after death? I don't know.

I can no longer motivate myself to continue doing the normal things a person "should" do. I feel anxious whenever I picture myself getting old and seeing my body slowly rotting away.

i have imagined things like that, too, but i know it's just a hopeless dream. it can be nice to think about, tho. it seems so beautiful.
and i definitely don't want to get old. i have seen too many cases of elders being abandoned and/or abused, besides the general downsides of old age. it's horrible.
it's horrible that anyone has to suffer. it's sounds like you've been through a lot. i hope you find relief one day, in whatever form it might take.

 

[annique]

i have imagined things like that, too, but i know it's just a hopeless dream. it can be nice to think about, tho. it seems so beautiful.
and i definitely don't want to get old. i have seen too many cases of elders being abandoned and/or abused, besides the general downsides of old age. it's horrible.
it's horrible that anyone has to suffer. it's sounds like you've been through a lot. i hope you find relief one day, in whatever form it might take.

I also know about cases of abuse and abandoment of old people. Such a fuck up world this is for even there being such kind of suffering among many others even worse. I am so fearful of dying, though. We've got to plan our own deceasing by ourselves, without access to dignified ways of dying. We've got to be alone when we're dying by any means of our choice. The other option is to live through life and wait until we get really sick, go to a hospital and die in the hands of doctors (if we can even afford that).

 

[keitaro]

it is truly fucked up and sad. i have fears, too. as you say, if only we had easy access to dignified death. but no, we have to scrounge around in the shadows and then die alone. what a world.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me life is just endless misery all for the sake of it. It seems as though there is no escape from pain and it is sad how so many people have to endure so much suffering in their lives with no easy way to exit. A peaceful suicide should be a human right. The thought of having to exist until old age is so horrifying. I'm sorry that you have been through so much.