Venting Just some venting

[Sensei]

A depressive episode just kicked in bad. I know they always kick in fast for everyone but this is like a lightning attack. Can't discern any real trigger either, as usual. It feels like every cell in my body hurts, like my soul leaks blood. I don't understand. My self-medication has been so effective until now. I have to take stronger doses when I get home, I reckon. Musn't give in to impulse tonight. It should be a rational decision. I have to live as I preach, don't I? I really can't understand why it had to be bipolar disorder. Sorry about the insane rambling. I'm at work and I just need to let out some steam. Very few can see when I'm low, though. They use intuition, I guess. Anyways, it is as it is.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

We always crash somewhat from medication whether it's self or prescribed. Work never helps these situations either. These types of episodes hit me like a ton of bricks sometimes too. Just try to finish your work day so you can isolate and gain some clarity on the situation.

 

[Sensei]

You're right. My previous medication worked for eight years and then suddenly it didn't. Probably just bad luck, because medicines can work for decades for some people. Anyway, I'll try to make it through the day and go home and meditate on this as you suggest. I just hope it's not a depressive episode. The last one lasted four months and I had to resist overpowering suicidal impulses every single f**king day. However, I only failed twice and obviously survived both attempts. Anyway, it's not easy to fight the chemistry of one's own brain, but I honestly think my self-medication canl help me. I just need to take stronger doses. Hopefully, I can soar above this ocean of pain.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I put a hmmmph emoji on ,
wtf

sorry .

Although it sort of is ? In a wtf hrumph , bad luck kind of way .

Hope you get through this ok .

 

[Sensei]

I put a hmmmph emoji on ,
wtf

sorry .

Although it sort of is ? In a wtf hrumph , bad luck kind of way .

I'd say that's an appropriate response. It's definitely a WTF day today.

Hope you get through this ok .

Thanks. I've made it through before, although I had less lethal means at my disposal then. I don't know if it's medically possible, but maybe I only got some kind of non-bipolar depression. That's probably only wishful thinking, though.