I'm in so much pain it's become unbearable. I used to have a normal life but even back when I was "normal" I had thoughts of suicide. Then almost two years ago I had a psychotic episode and jumped off the 6th story of a parking garage and destroyed my life. The whole week leading up to it I hardly remember and I don't remember jumping except that I got really paranoid and thought there were nazis after me. I thought they were going to kill me so I tried to kill myself first.
I broke so many bones and had a spinal cord injury. I can walk but I broke my leg so badly it almost had to be amputated. Now I walk slowly and with a limp. I used to run marathons and running was one of the few things in the world that I enjoyed and now I can't do it anymore. I also can't snowboard or hike anymore so all my hobbies are gone. I gained weight and lost so much hair from the stress and I have scars everywhere and I feel hideous. I used to be attractive and in such good shape and now I just feel terrible about myself.
I lost so many friends over this. I went did and said so many embarrassing things. And then a year after the attempt I moved cities and got a new job and was finally feeling good about myself again when I had another psychotic episode and ended up hospitalized for two months and lost my job and have been living with my parents ever since. I'm 29.
Then right after I got out of the hospital my brother died. He was an addict and overdosed on fentanyl. It's surreal that he's gone. It happened 5 months ago and I still haven't accepted it. Living with my parents has been hell. My mom has been abusive my whole life and she says the cruelest things. The other day she started a fight with me and said "What are you gonna do, blue1234, jump again?". I'm in constant agony thinking about how I destroyed my life and she makes me feel even worse about it.
I got a new job and am actually making a lot of money but I really don't give a shit. Working remotely because of covid is lonely. I'm moving out soon and I'll be living alone and working from home and I think the isolation is going to push me over the edge. I have like two friends left in my city and I always feel like I'm the one reaching out so I don't even know if they care about being friends with me. I think of the future and I picture me in my apartment, by myself, night after night.
I feel so fucking alone. I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to. I've given up on the idea of ever having a partner again because of my mental illness and fucked up past. I've lost interest in everything. Music sounds terrible. Food has lost its appeal. I can't even watch a new movie or show. I sleep 12 hours a night because being unconscious is better than the constant pain I'm in while I'm awake. There is absolutely no part of my day that I enjoy.
I can't see a way out of this pain. I went back to the hospital for the depression and suicidal thoughts and no matter what meds I'm on I still feel the same way. I spend every night researching how to ctb and the only reason I haven't done it yet is because if I fail I'll end up at my parents house forever. I have to be sure that whatever I attempt works and it will be a easier to do when I live alone.
I feel like me joining this site has just brought everything to a new level. I'm actively planning my death. And it scares me.
Thanks to anyone who read this.
I broke so many bones and had a spinal cord injury. I can walk but I broke my leg so badly it almost had to be amputated. Now I walk slowly and with a limp. I used to run marathons and running was one of the few things in the world that I enjoyed and now I can't do it anymore. I also can't snowboard or hike anymore so all my hobbies are gone. I gained weight and lost so much hair from the stress and I have scars everywhere and I feel hideous. I used to be attractive and in such good shape and now I just feel terrible about myself.
I lost so many friends over this. I went did and said so many embarrassing things. And then a year after the attempt I moved cities and got a new job and was finally feeling good about myself again when I had another psychotic episode and ended up hospitalized for two months and lost my job and have been living with my parents ever since. I'm 29.
Then right after I got out of the hospital my brother died. He was an addict and overdosed on fentanyl. It's surreal that he's gone. It happened 5 months ago and I still haven't accepted it. Living with my parents has been hell. My mom has been abusive my whole life and she says the cruelest things. The other day she started a fight with me and said "What are you gonna do, blue1234, jump again?". I'm in constant agony thinking about how I destroyed my life and she makes me feel even worse about it.
I got a new job and am actually making a lot of money but I really don't give a shit. Working remotely because of covid is lonely. I'm moving out soon and I'll be living alone and working from home and I think the isolation is going to push me over the edge. I have like two friends left in my city and I always feel like I'm the one reaching out so I don't even know if they care about being friends with me. I think of the future and I picture me in my apartment, by myself, night after night.
I feel so fucking alone. I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to. I've given up on the idea of ever having a partner again because of my mental illness and fucked up past. I've lost interest in everything. Music sounds terrible. Food has lost its appeal. I can't even watch a new movie or show. I sleep 12 hours a night because being unconscious is better than the constant pain I'm in while I'm awake. There is absolutely no part of my day that I enjoy.
I can't see a way out of this pain. I went back to the hospital for the depression and suicidal thoughts and no matter what meds I'm on I still feel the same way. I spend every night researching how to ctb and the only reason I haven't done it yet is because if I fail I'll end up at my parents house forever. I have to be sure that whatever I attempt works and it will be a easier to do when I live alone.
I feel like me joining this site has just brought everything to a new level. I'm actively planning my death. And it scares me.
Thanks to anyone who read this.
