Venting just need it all out

[versuchskaninchen]

Just as the title says i just need it out of my head..

It's coming up on one year since my grandfather passed (i was his caretaker and he meant a lot to me) and starting a new job that I'm 2 weeks in and already experiencing issues (having trash kicked at me, not being trained on machines that can injure you if you clean them wrong, not being trained on dangerous chemicals, and the leads favoring other people already including giving me the more uncomfortable uniform but not them) and I'm just so drained from it all. I feel empty like a void, I dissociated most the night until I started having panic attacks on the line floor. My gf is going through some things now too so I feel like I can't vent to her like I usually do out of curtesy for her mental health.

This isn't even mentioning whatever mood swings I always have. I can't stand swapping between neutral to suicidal and then back to neutral so often..I barely experience emotions as is but these sudden changes are nauseating to have developed. I just want to function and feel excited about things and planning my life with my gf but I don't and I feel worse I'm like this more then I'm not.

 

[versuchskaninchen]

I'll just keep using this same thread to vent like I've seen others do.

I tried to open up to my gf more but I think I just worried her further. I'm not the best with words when actively emotional or as a baseline really. So maybe I just did it wrong. But I was so bad today mentally I just wanted to get it out, I nearly deleted all my accounts and just walked out to the train tracks impulsively. I did end up leaving work by claiming to be ill..I'll see if I have a job come Sunday still. But I don't want my gf to dread talking to me if all I can think of is dying rn, I wanted to be better for her but I don't even know how. I fear it's too much for her to handle even if she hasn't said anything..I just want to be stable enough to keep a job and get a shitty little apartment and have my life with her but I really do fear my own mental issues are ruining my best chance at any sense of love and happiness I have. I can't lose this it's all I'm staying here for right now..