Help Just gonna unload..

[Niko]

Okay Ill just post this here because i have literally no one in my life I can talk to about this, and I feel like i'm just gonna burst otherwise.

So I'm basically Trapped right now: I've been working as a Nighttime Front Desk Agent at a hotel for a year now. I'm basically a babysitter for a building and not much happens at all, which was the point. I took the job because I wanted to work on making music and also, believe it or not, develop a mobile app that i wanted to sell. sounds a little silly i think, but my idea was to just take this job for a few months and utilize the space and emptiness of a night gig to work on this stuff.
Well it's now been a year and I find myself without a lot of music written, an app that's kinda finished but i'm too embarrassed to show to anyone and i doubt will ever make me enough money to support myself, very lonely from the complete lack of human interaction at nighttime, and (worst of all) romantically attached to a coworker.

I told my boss last week that i couldn't handle the night job gig anymore, it was too lonely and i never planned on being here a whole fuckin year. So i told him maybe i could try out the maintenance job they have an opening for. I could learn something new, work with actual people in the daytime and maybe get closer to that cute coworker.
Here's where things get really fun: i just found out that the guy who would be training me for maintenance, and possibly be my boss, may be in some sort of relationship with that coworker i had fallen for; and that's kind of been heartbreaking.
So yeah Now i find myself in a place where I seriously don't know what the fuck to do! Should I ask to go back to the night gig? and continue to be alone and miserable like i've been these past few months. Should I continue on with the maintenance thing? and work with the dork that may(i don't know for sure) be with the chick i care too much about. Should i just fucking quit? and then what? what about my music?

It's so silly in a lot of ways, and I'd be laughing at the ridiculousness of it all if it didn't involve my entire fucking life.
Other people have 'real problems' like sexual abuse or incredible pain from accidents or a tortuous disease. I guess I can say I have a skin condition, vitiligo, which isn't painful but is kind of a cosmetic nightmare. Michael Jackson had it, and luckily I don't have in on my face but it's all over my body and it's made me quite the recluse and social isolationist. I basically hate being in my own skin and it's been really hard to open enough to establish any kind of meaningful relationship. So that's my thing i suppose.

I really can't figure out what in the hell I can do now because all options lead to madness. This is why I came here. I feel completely trapped and I honestly truly wish I could be shown a real way out.

If you've read this far, you have my sincerest appreciation!

 

[Sayo]

Wow, that's a lot of stuff complicating your change.

No, don't ask to go back. You were isolating yourself and trapping yourself in a bad place. You completed your app somewhat which is good, but it doesn't seem to have been good for much else. Focus on one thing at a time and giving it a chance.

You have to move on from your coworker if she doesn't reciprocate your feelings or you can't resolve it (ie because she's a co-worker) unfortunately. How large is your workplace? Being near her might be tough. But I recommend focusing less on that relationship and trying to build social attachments outside of work or with other co-workers, which being awake in the day will help you do. Work on your music after your job, and set small but achievable goals.

I don't think being anxious and depressed because you have vitiligo is unreasonable. I realise my advice sounds perfunctory, please realise I'm visibly crippled among other things and similarly uncomfortable. The only way to overcome it is to find situations where you can be more comfortable socialising to help reduce your anxiety. Whether that's a hobby or something else structured, so that you'll both certainly be thinking about something other than your skin. Expanding your comfort zone is a gradual and non-linear thing and it's normal to freak out and try to withdraw after taking a big step like you did—go easy on yourself.

 

[Niko]

Thank you so much for this thoughtful reply Sayo, it means a lot!

I think you're right about leaving the night job, although i still have lingering attachments. i just worry i won't have all that time i used to have with a new job, although to be honest i was burning through a lot of that time because i was too depressed from the isolation to do anything productive. i guess i gave it a good shot for a solid year so it's now time to move on.

yeah i'm gonna have to move on from her, somehow. it'll be tough because we honestly were just friends and i felt absolutely nothing for her, but i guess all the months being alone at my job got me attached to her as the only real friend i had for a while. now it's morphed into something different and unrequited. none of this was ever planned of course! i guess it never is. But yeah maybe being a Day person again can help me find new people and situations to interact with. I hope so.
I just fucking hate the idea that i'd have to work with that dude she's with now, but i think once the training is over i'd only really see him sporadically.

And it's true what you say about wanting to retract after taking a step out. I guess part of the process of growing is the growing pains from reaching beyond your previous boundaries. and so it may be a good sign that things are hurting, in a way, because it means that your growing.

but most important key thing you said for me was the 'one thing at a time' thing. everything feels like a big ugly tangled up web right now and i've been trying to untangle all these knots by writing this stuff down and articulating things; feedback like yours has been very helpful. thankyou.