Just did one of the most terrifying things

[DrownedOctopus]

If anybody reads my posts regularly, you'd know nobody in my life knows my struggles except my husband.
Some know I'm depressed, but for the most part I don't talk about it.
Lately I've been in such a bad place in my head, every moment I'm alone I can't stop myself from crying. Even while I'm sitting on the toilet, the tears just keep coming. I have a hard time keeping myself from breaking down in front of others, and it's getting harder and harder to make it stop once it's started.
So, to not raise suspicion or concern as to why I fell off the face of the planet, I had to text my two closest and best friends.
I could have given some dumb reason why I'm shutting my phone off, but I'm just too tired to think of a lie I'll have to remember and keep up.
So I told them some semblance of the truth.
It is the closest I've ever explained to anyone else just how not okay I am. I was so scared after I sent the text I was shaking/trembling.
My friend's response made me cry so hard because it explained he cares, and a lot..and I feel so guilty it isn't comforting like he wants it to be. I didn't cry because I felt relieved, I cried because it scares the shit out of me.

 

[ayanonikki]

i'm proud of you, even though i know you feel exactly the opposite right now. i know you feel this weird sense of guilt or anger at yourself, or at the least you're just terrified of the fact that your friend knows this side of you, or that they might use this against you at one point. i've felt like this a lot. i keep things to myself usually but when i tell loved ones what has been on my mind recently then the next day or a little while after doing so i start to feel angry at myself. i wonder how i could become so weak that i would let myself go like this. anyway, i don't want to be putting any more ideas into your head. i don't even know if you feel any of this, but i'll just say that i've been in the same situation as you.

but look at this from an outsider's perspective instead of your own state of crisis. your friend clearly understands and cares about you. imagine you are the friend of someone who has told you they've been feeling depressed. i don't know about you, but i would feel honored that this person told me about their feelings, and as well i would be concerned about them. i wouldn't be freaked out or anything, i would just feel that i know this person even more and that they are really my friend since they can trust me.

once again, i'm glad you took a step forward by telling someone your feelings. it takes a lot of guts, really.

 

[DrownedOctopus]

i'm proud of you, even though i know you feel exactly the opposite right now. i know you feel this weird sense of guilt or anger at yourself, or at the least you're just terrified of the fact that your friend knows this side of you, or that they might use this against you at one point. i've felt like this a lot. i keep things to myself usually but when i tell loved ones what has been on my mind recently then the next day or a little while after doing so i start to feel angry at myself. i wonder how i could become so weak that i would let myself go like this. anyway, i don't want to be putting any more ideas into your head. i don't even know if you feel any of this, but i'll just say that i've been in the same situation as you.

but look at this from an outsider's perspective instead of your own state of crisis. your friend clearly understands and cares about you. imagine you are the friend of someone who has told you they've been feeling depressed. i don't know about you, but i would feel honored that this person told me about their feelings, and as well i would be concerned about them. i wouldn't be freaked out or anything, i would just feel that i know this person even more and that they are really my friend since they can trust me.

once again, i'm glad you took a step forward by telling someone your feelings. it takes a lot of guts, really.

I didn't outright say anything about my thoughts of suicide, but I hinted at it. I said something along the lines of "I'm not going to act on anything right now, I guess, but I'm at the end of my rope and it's become the biggest struggle to keep myself from doing something nobody is going to understand"
Maybe he'll have understood the hint, maybe not. That's the closest I'll get to telling someone I'm going to fucking kill myself.
There's so much going on in my head right now, and it's all self-loathing.
And the thing is...I've had many people come to me with their struggles. Friends have told me their plans to ctb and how badly they struggle with depression or anxiety or life. I'm always there to give help when others need me to, but I never can bring myself to accept it from others.
I feel like, and have been shown, I can't rely on anyone but myself.
I feel so sick, I'm pretty sure I'm going to throw up at some point with how anxious and freaked this is making me.
I considered getting N, but I don't know if I can hold out long enough for that.

 

[Davy]

I'm always there to give help when others need me to, but I never can bring myself to accept it from others

Don't think that you don't deserve help and love, because you do. You are a kind person who is willing to help others so maybe it's time for you to give others a chance to help. No matter what is going through your head right now, you have nice people who care about you and you care about them as well. Isolation is not the way forward.

I understand what you are going through, the self loathing, the low self-esteem, the anxiety. It can all be overwhelming and for a while I didn't eat because I didn't think I deserved it. But I realise that it was irrational and everyone deserves preferential love and support, including you.
It can be hard to escape, so just take it one step at a time at your own pace. It's okay. I'm glad you had the courage to explain your feelings to your friend.

 

[DrownedOctopus]

Don't think that you don't deserve help and love, because you do. You are a kind person who is willing to help others so maybe it's time for you to give others a chance to help. No matter what is going through your head right now, you have nice people who care about you and you care about them as well. Isolation is not the way forward.

I understand what you are going through, the self loathing, the low self-esteem, the anxiety. It can all be overwhelming and for a while I didn't eat because I didn't think I deserved it. But I realise that it was irrational and everyone deserves preferential love and support, including you.
It can be hard to escape, so just take it one step at a time at your own pace. It's okay. I'm glad you had the courage to explain your feelings to your friend.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your compassion and patience.
I don't want to go forward anymore. I don't want to live another day.
I just want to close my eyes and die or stop existing altogether. I'm okay if tonight is my last—I won't stop myself anymore

 

[Davy]

I don't want to go forward anymore. I don't want to live another day.
I just want to close my eyes and die or stop existing altogether. I'm okay if tonight is my last—I won't stop myself anymore

May I ask why you feel this way?
Unfortunately I also personally relate to this, we are on a suicide forum after all. Maybe I am just lazy and a coward. I'm not sure.

 

[ayanonikki]

I didn't outright say anything about my thoughts of suicide, but I hinted at it. I said something along the lines of "I'm not going to act on anything right now, I guess, but I'm at the end of my rope and it's become the biggest struggle to keep myself from doing something nobody is going to understand"
Maybe he'll have understood the hint, maybe not. That's the closest I'll get to telling someone I'm going to fucking kill myself.
There's so much going on in my head right now, and it's all self-loathing.
And the thing is...I've had many people come to me with their struggles. Friends have told me their plans to ctb and how badly they struggle with depression or anxiety or life. I'm always there to give help when others need me to, but I never can bring myself to accept it from others.
I feel like, and have been shown, I can't rely on anyone but myself.
I feel so sick, I'm pretty sure I'm going to throw up at some point with how anxious and freaked this is making me.
I considered getting N, but I don't know if I can hold out long enough for that.

that is the problem. you help others and not yourself. i don't know what makes you happy, but you need to focus on it. i don't know too much about you, but i think i've seen in another post that you have a daughter. i'm not saying you should stay alive just for others if you're not happy, but maybe your daughter should be your reason to stay alive, she depends on you. imagine her life without a mother. i'll be honest, i'm still a teenager, and i wouldn't know what i'd do without my mother, especially as a female. i love my father, and he's strong and helps me through a lot, but my mother has helped me through everything i could only tell my mother! i couldn't imagine my life without her or if i lost her. just please think about the effect it will have on your daughter, not just your death, but her life without a mother in general.

to stay alive for that reason, like i said, focus on what makes you happy. i know it sounds so stupid to say things like "play sports" or "join a club" when you are considering something as serious as suicide, but trust me, if you can find something besides yourself that will ultimately help yourself to distract yourself from your self-loathing, then eventually you will feel something you like about yourself because you've been practicing something that makes you happy for so long. you find a purpose, you find a skill, and a skill is something good about a person. that is one step towards your journey to stop being so harsh on yourself.

i would usually not question people's motive to die, because most of the time i think if someone is ready to do something so serious then they have a legitimate reason for it. but knowing you have a daughter and that you are not happy with yourself just makes me see something in you that is worth the right to live even just a little longer to have the opportunity to see things change for the better when YOU try to make a change! if friends come to you for help, then clearly they trust you and you are liked! there is something good about you right there. there are 7 billion people in this world and there are plenty who understand you, who will care for you and want to be by your side if you give them the opportunity to do so and you try to find these people! you're never alone in your situation. please just try to love yourself before you give up. you have the right to die, but not before a fight. i can see you're fixed on suicide now, and it's really hard to see any other option when you're in that situation, but i really hope you take what i say into consideration before making a decision that will affect those who depend on you also.

 

[seekingoblivion]

Man I cant imagine the anxiety you must be experiencing. It's hell of a scary thing to open up even halfway. I can understand why you feel the way you do. But you'll be okay. I mean I don't feel like there will be anything negative that you can expect from your friends knowing that you're in a dark place. Well at least from what it sounds like from your friend's response. I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are. If you were to list what your fears are or what aspects of this are causing you these feelings what would you put down on that list?

 

[DrownedOctopus]

@ayanonikki I appreciate your effort. Truly I do. I have been alive for 24 years, but I wouldn't call it living. I've done everything under the sun to change this. I've changed my diet, exercise regularly, taken supplements and vitamins, essential oils, therapy, writing, drawing, playing piano, hanging out with friends, sex, spending time with my family, going outside, reading, taking naps, I mean literally anything I've read that helps I have tried. Yet here we are.
I've tried to live for my daughter, she's the reason I'm here right now. I've tried to be strong for her and push through this, but I'm too tired anymore.
I apologize if I have upset you over this, it's not my intention. I don't know how to explain my thoughts well enough to show how I justify the decision. Many have said what you did, and the rational part of me knows it's true. But it's so very hard to believe when you feel you can't even function as a person.

@seekingoblivion
I don't even know why I'm so afraid. Maybe just because I'm so dead set on suicide that I don't want someone to try to "save" me. It's a battle they'll lose before it even starts, and I don't want to cause more frustration or pain on their part than what will already be experienced.
I don't want them to think they didn't try hard enough.
Idk. I don't have a solid answer honestly. I feel panicked. I don't know why, but I am panicking. Legitimately freaking out and still breaking into tears.
I don't really want anyone in my life to know that I feel so helpless and broken and desperate.

May I ask why you feel this way?
Unfortunately I also personally relate to this, we are on a suicide forum after all. Maybe I am just lazy and a coward. I'm not sure.

I don't know why I'm like this. I have been my entire life—and I do mean even as a very young child. I'm just lucky I guess.
I'm sorry you understand this all too well; that anyone does.

 

[seekingoblivion]

@ayanonikki I appreciate your effort. Truly I do. I have been alive for 24 years, but I wouldn't call it living. I've done everything under the sun to change this. I've changed my diet, exercise regularly, taken supplements and vitamins, essential oils, therapy, writing, drawing, playing piano, hanging out with friends, sex, spending time with my family, going outside, reading, taking naps, I mean literally anything I've read that helps I have tried. Yet here we are.
I've tried to live for my daughter, she's the reason I'm here right now. I've tried to be strong for her and push through this, but I'm too tired anymore.
I apologize if I have upset you over this, it's not my intention. I don't know how to explain my thoughts well enough to show how I justify the decision. Many have said what you did, and the rational part of me knows it's true. But it's so very hard to believe when you feel you can't even function as a person.

@seekingoblivion
I don't even know why I'm so afraid. Maybe just because I'm so dead set on suicide that I don't want someone to try to "save" me. It's a battle they'll lose before it even starts, and I don't want to cause more frustration or pain on their part than what will already be experienced.
I don't want them to think they didn't try hard enough.
Idk. I don't have a solid answer honestly. I feel panicked. I don't know why, but I am panicking. Legitimately freaking out and still breaking into tears.
I don't really want anyone in my life to know that I feel so helpless and broken and desperate.

I understand that about not wanting to be saved. I've felt like that and thought about it a bit. For me I think it's less about causing someone else pain rather than realizing again that it's pointless which causes me pain (yeah guess I'm a selfish dude). Another part of it might be the feeling that I feel like I'm going against everything I am. Everything I am being suicidal. But that's just me.
There's a lot going on in your head right now. I'm sorry. Are you alone right now? I feel like you should be with your husband right now or just not alone. Have you shared this with him?

 

[seekingoblivion]

I feel like I'm not a person and being saved is a waste because I'm nothing. If I keep living, I have to keep pretending to be this person. I have to keep pretending to be something I'm just not. I don't feel like I belong here, I don't feel like life was meant for me and I'm here by some huge mistake. I feel so wrong in existing, so I understand what you're saying.

Fuck this hits hard. I actually say out loud when I'm alone that I don't belong here or that life was not meant for me (or that I was not meant for life) and that my existence is a huge mistake. It's weird. For me it feels like it makes sense that I feel that and that it's normal but I hate that you're experiencing this too. I don't know you but with what little I've picked from here I know for certain that you're a beautiful person. When did you start feeling this way about living? Is there anything you can recall that triggered your feelings?

 

[DrownedOctopus]

don't worry, i'm not upset at all, i just wanted to know how much you've been really thinking about this. i just need to ask you were you consistent with all these things you've done to help yourself? even at the start when you felt like they weren't working or that you were no good at them? it's always difficult to keep up with things when you don't feel like it's working for you. you don't need to answer me, i just want you to consider as much as possible before you make a decision. but if so i can't argue with you. you seem dedicated to this and you have the right to choose for yourself. i wish you the best of luck with everything and your daughter also. do everything for her before you follow through with this, she will definitely want to know more about this when she's older. she might be upset about it, some children tend to blame themselves for their parents' suicides. my grandmother also committed suicide and my mother was left for years wondering what she could have done to fix it, and if only she had been a better daughter, etc etc. your daughter could get ideas into her head which aren't true at all... so make sure you let her know this was purely about you. if you ever want to get anything off your chest, don't be afraid to pm.

I've exercised everyday for 2 years (if I skipped a day, I'd crash mentally.) It was so exhausting for only a minimal outcome. The same with my diet changes. I stuck with everything for years, I started trying things when I was about 10, good and bad. 14 years later, I think I've exhausted everything.
The only time I felt like maybe I was finally going to be okay was when my daughter was born. I still had thoughts of suicide, but I felt like things might turn out okay. It lasted until my hormones were back in balance, and I'm worse than before.
I found out I was pregnant, and I started writing to my daughter.
Among the things I have written are many notes explaining how in no way is my choice her fault. That she is not to blame, that it wasn't because she wasn't enough, and it isn't because I don't love her.
Thank you, very much, for your kindness and patience and concern. I understand where you are coming from, and appreciate your taking the time to discuss it. Leaving no stone unturned

 

[seekingoblivion]

My husband and I still haven't had much of a conversation...and I feel so guilty for keeping him in the dark, but we aren't even talking right now (it isn't malicious or caused by an argument. We're just quiet. Words aren't always nevessary)
I am alone right now.

Well I feel you should let him know. Maybe sharing this with someone in your life you trust like your husband who understands your situation could help in some way. But you shouldn't feel guilty that you haven't told him yet. I know it's not a feeling you can get rid of just like that but I'm just letting you know it's not something to feel guilty about. It's the theme of this post: Telling people what you're going through isn't easy.

 

[DrownedOctopus]

Fuck this hits hard. I actually say out loud when I'm alone that I don't belong here or that life was not meant for me (or that I was not meant for life) and that my existence is a huge mistake. It's weird. For me it feels like it makes sense that I feel that and that it's normal but I hate that you're experiencing this too. I don't know you but with what little I've picked from here I know for certain that you're a beautiful person. When did you start feeling this way about living? Is there anything you can recall that triggered your feelings?

I feel the same in hating knowing others experience this, too.
I've been obsessed with death since 5, probably even 4 though I don't have much of a memory before then. I've always felt like I don't belong.
I think what really triggered my acknowledgement was in kindergarten we were all asked what we wanted when we grew up, and I realized what I wanted wasn't normal. I just said I didn't know because nobody else was saying "to be a dead girl". I I didn't understand then that an afterlife isn't real (as is my belief now. I think it's just nothingness) or that it isn't a better place, but I knew that's where I belonged—as unbelievable as that sounds. What 5 year old thinks shit like that? (If I was anyone else being told this, I probably wouldn't believe it) But I was always described as the creepy weird kid in school, and I had very few friends because of it.
Whenever I played pretend with the friends I did have, I was always a dead girl. Every single time.

What did it for you??

Well I feel you should let him know. Maybe sharing this with someone in your life you trust like your husband who understands your situation could help in some way. But you shouldn't feel guilty that you haven't told him yet. I know it's not a feeling you can get rid of just like that but I'm just letting you know it's not something to feel guilty about. It's the theme of this post: Telling people what you're going through isn't easy.

You're right, he does deserve to know. I don't know how to go about bringing this up as it isn't like any other conversation about suicide we've had before. I know he'll be patient and understanding, but this won't be a casual conversation.
Thank you for taking the time to reassure me and trying to help.

 

[seekingoblivion]

I feel the same in hating knowing others experience this, too.
I've been obsessed with death since 5, probably even 4 though I don't have much of a memory before then. I've always felt like I don't belong.
I think what really triggered my acknowledgement was in kindergarten we were all asked what we wanted when we grew up, and I realized what I wanted wasn't normal. I just said I didn't know because nobody else was saying "to be a dead girl". I I didn't understand then that an afterlife isn't real (as is my belief now. I think it's just nothingness) or that it isn't a better place, but I knew that's where I belonged—as unbelievable as that sounds. What 5 year old thinks shit like that? (If I was anyone else being told this, I probably wouldn't believe it) But I was always described as the creepy weird kid in school, and I had very few friends because of it.
Whenever I played pretend with the friends I did have, I was always a dead girl. Every single time.

What did it for you??

You're right, he does deserve to know. I don't know how to go about bringing this up as it isn't like any other conversation about suicide we've had before. I know he'll be patient and understanding, but this won't be a casual conversation.
Thank you for taking the time to reassure me and trying to help.

Wow. I've seen up there that you're 24 (like me) and I'm just thinking that it's a long time you've been obsessed with death. I'm thinking the actual trigger might have happened at a time where your memories aren't reachable, cause you say your time in kindergarten was when you acknowledged that you were different from others but you'd been obsessed with death before. I'm sorry you've gone so long with this feeling of not belonging. I've had it as long as I can remember too. I was a sensitive kid and quiet and had this baby like delayed maturity thing and I always felt inferior. And I was also generally weird. Everything I said never made sense to anyone. Most often people would just laugh at it. However all that is a story on it's own. I first properly thought about dying (specifically suicide) at the age of 7. After an ass whooping from my mum. But it didn't last. After that was 14 and it's been consistent since then with a bunch more reasons for feeling I don't belong. I think what triggered it was realizing how much pretending I had to do just to not get people to ridicule me. But there's more issues and I'd end up writing a book if I talked about them all.

With regards to how to bring this up with your husband maybe you could start by asking him if you can talk. Maybe telling him there's something you're going through and you feel he should know? I honestly don't know I'm not the best at sharing things with people myself. But please do try.

 

[DrownedOctopus]

Wow. I've seen up there that you're 24 (like me) and I'm just thinking that it's a long time you've been obsessed with death. I'm thinking the actual trigger might have happened at a time where your memories aren't reachable, cause you say your time in kindergarten was when you acknowledged that you were different from others but you'd been obsessed with death before. I'm sorry you've gone so long with this feeling of not belonging. I've had it as long as I can remember too. I was a sensitive kid and quiet and had this baby like delayed maturity thing and I always felt inferior. And I was also generally weird. Everything I said never made sense to anyone. Most often people would just laugh at it. However all that is a story on it's own. I first properly thought about dying (specifically suicide) at the age of 7. After an ass whooping from my mum. But it didn't last. After that was 14 and it's been consistent since then with a bunch more reasons for feeling I don't belong. I think what triggered it was realizing how much pretending I had to do just to not get people to ridicule me. But there's more issues and I'd end up writing a book if I talked about them all.

With regards to how to bring this up with your husband maybe you could start by asking him if you can talk. Maybe telling him there's something you're going through and you feel he should know? I honestly don't know I'm not the best at sharing things with people myself. But please do try.

Wow we really have a lot of similarities. I have one very vivid memory from earlier than 5. It was a couple weeks or so before I turned 2, and I watched my grandpa die. I just don't remember my feelings towards the event, you could be right and this might have been what really triggered it. I just can't say for sure because I really don't know.
That sounds like a traumatic moment for you, at least enough to make your thoughts very grim. Remembering how I felt as a child during punishments has made my own way of punishing my child change. I'm calm and gentle, I do my best not to lose my temper. I also don't tower over her, instead I squat down to her level. And I aways always reassure her that I still love her, it's her behavior that I do not love. The last thing I say to her is always "nothin you could ever do will make me stop loving you" with a hug.
I'm sure you've a lot you could talk about in regards to your childhood and the struggles you had that made you feel so different. Being a child is hard in the best of cases.

Thank you, I will try. I know I have to. I don't know why I'm so hesitant about it. I've been comfortable enough to tell him everything else thus far, why is this so hard?

 

[seekingoblivion]

Wow we really have a lot of similarities. I have one very vivid memory from earlier than 5. It was a couple weeks or so before I turned 2, and I watched my grandpa die. I just don't remember my feelings towards the event, you could be right and this might have been what really triggered it. I just can't say for sure because I really don't know.
That sounds like a traumatic moment for you, at least enough to make your thoughts very grim. Remembering how I felt as a child during punishments has made my own way of punishing my child change. I'm calm and gentle, I do my best not to lose my temper. I also don't tower over her, instead I squat down to her level. And I aways always reassure her that I still love her, it's her behavior that I do not love. The last thing I say to her is always "nothin you could ever do will make me stop loving you" with a hug.
I'm sure you've a lot you could talk about in regards to your childhood and the struggles you had that made you feel so different. Being a child is hard in the best of cases.

Thank you, I will try. I know I have to. I don't know why I'm so hesitant about it. I've been comfortable enough to tell him everything else thus far, why is this so hard?

I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa. I would definitely say that experience had an effect on you and your perception of death to at least some degree. Though of course that's just my opinion and not anything I could prove. But it does make sense I believe.

Funny thing with the beating at 7 is that I don't even remember it. Like the why and the how it happened. I think the why is a big part of why I considered death cause I'd had and I continued to have worse and more angry beatings.

I imagined that you would have adopted a style of parenting like that. I'm so proud of you for that. It's always easier to just go on a rage and yell or spank or whatever but you take your time to make sure your child knows she's not a bad person for what she's done but you're just unhappy with it. I've decided to never have kids myself and part of it is because I realized with my nephew that if I'm stressed I can respond the wrong way to misbehavior. I'd never hit a child or harm them anyway physically but my tone did change and it got harsher and I didn't say the right things. I hate myself for it and think daily about how it could affect his self esteem later in life.

Do you think maybe after sharing part of your feelings with your friends you've exhausted your capacity to share for now? With all the anxiety you've had about it maybe you don't want to let more out? Or maybe you don't feel it's important enough somehow? I'm just coming up with potential reasons whether actually potential or not.

 

[DrownedOctopus]

I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa. I would definitely say that experience had an effect on you and your perception of death to at least some degree. Though of course that's just my opinion and not anything I could prove. But it does make sense I believe.

Funny thing with the beating at 7 is that I don't even remember it. Like the why and the how it happened. I think the why is a big part of why I considered death cause I'd had and I continued to have worse and more angry beatings.

I imagined that you would have adopted a style of parenting like that. I'm so proud of you for that. It's always easier to just go on a rage and yell or spank or whatever but you take your time to make sure your child knows she's not a bad person for what she's done but you're just unhappy with it. I've decided to never have kids myself and part of it is because I realized with my nephew that if I'm stressed I can respond the wrong way to misbehavior. I'd never hit a child or harm them anyway physically but my tone did change and it got harsher and I didn't say the right things. I hate myself for it and think daily about how it could affect his self esteem later in life.

Do you think maybe after sharing part of your feelings with your friends you've exhausted your capacity to share for now? With all the anxiety you've had about it maybe you don't want to let more out? Or maybe you don't feel it's important enough somehow? I'm just coming up with potential reasons whether actually potential or not.

I'm sorry that was something you had to experience. No child deserves to go through harmful acts such as that, and it breaks my heart to know not every child is cherished and loved as they should be.

I was like you in regards to not wanting to have children. Don't get me wrong, I really wanted to be a mom as it was something I truly wanted, but knowing my intentions to ctb I tried my damnedest to prevent getting pregnant.
I could see how that experience would really negatively impact your outlook on having children. If I can offer: I find with your own children it is easier to have a softer reaction—but that's my own experience. I am more easily irritated with my niece and nephews or random children at the park, but I still don't yell at them. I'm not trying to convince you to have children, that's not my place, but if you find yourself in the way of parenthood I hope this helps ease your stress.

You may be right. I may have stressed myself out so much over sharing the little that I did with my friends that it's making it really hard to have a conversation like that again.
I know he finds this important, even if I don't. I know he'll want to know about this, so I don't think importance is the issue.

 

[seekingoblivion]

I'm sorry that was something you had to experience. No child deserves to go through harmful acts such as that, and it breaks my heart to know not every child is cherished and loved as they should be.

I was like you in regards to not wanting to have children. Don't get me wrong, I really wanted to be a mom as it was something I truly wanted, but knowing my intentions to ctb I tried my damnedest to prevent getting pregnant.
I could see how that experience would really negatively impact your outlook on having children. If I can offer: I find with your own children it is easier to have a softer reaction—but that's my own experience. I am more easily irritated with my niece and nephews or random children at the park, but I still don't yell at them. I'm not trying to convince you to have children, that's not my place, but if you find yourself in the way of parenthood I hope this helps ease your stress.

You may be right. I may have stressed myself out so much over sharing the little that I did with my friends that it's making it really hard to have a conversation like that again.
I know he finds this important, even if I don't. I know he'll want to know about this, so I don't think importance is the issue.

Thank you. It's true that a lot of kids don't get the love they should and it's so incredibly heartbreaking. But for me I feel I was a hell of an annoying kid and it contributes to the feeling that I'm just fundamentally not right.

I feel that. I believe that you're a great mom but it's totally understandable that you'd opt out of having kids for that reason. It's another part of why I feel I wouldn't want kids. Another part is that I feel I wouldn't be able to cultivate the correct core values and beliefs that would help them throughout their lives. I'm a messed up dude and I'd hate for someone to grow up with a father like me. Truth is I don't think I could even have kids cause honestly I don't see anyone wanting to even be with me let alone wanting to have kids with me.


Thank you for reminding of that. I've actually been aware of the fact that we often have softer spots for our own kids vs others'. It's just that, knowing how kids can carry negative reactions from grown ups with them, I should have self control any talk to any child I speak to in the right way.

Maybe you can draft a text message or something? Then send when you're ready? Try not to stress over telling him. I'm sure you will when you're ready.

 

[DrownedOctopus]

Thank you. It's true that a lot of kids don't get the love they should and it's so incredibly heartbreaking. But for me I feel I was a hell of an annoying kid and it contributes to the feeling that I'm just fundamentally not right.

I feel that. I believe that you're a great mom but it's totally understandable that you'd opt out of having kids for that reason. It's another part of why I feel I wouldn't want kids. Another part is that I feel I wouldn't be able to cultivate the correct core values and beliefs that would help them throughout their lives. I'm a messed up dude and I'd hate for someone to grow up with a father like me. Truth is I don't think I could even have kids cause honestly I don't see anyone wanting to even be with me let alone wanting to have kids with me.


Thank you for reminding of that. I've actually been aware of the fact that we often have softer spots for our own kids vs others'. It's just that, knowing how kids can carry negative reactions from grown ups with them, I should have self control any talk to any child I speak to in the right way.

Maybe you can draft a text message or something? Then send when you're ready? Try not to stress over telling him. I'm sure you will when you're ready.

That's understandable, there's a lot to be concerned about when it comes to children—even ones that are not our own. They're always watching and are going to mimic our actions and not just what we say, but everything has an impact on them.

That's a good idea, thank you. I'm trying not to be stressed about it, but I'm (metaphorically) pulling my hair out over this. I just need to rip the bandaid off I guess, now that I've calmed down from yesterday

 

[seekingoblivion]

That's understandable, there's a lot to be concerned about when it comes to children—even ones that are not our own. They're always watching and are going to mimic our actions and not just what we say, but everything has an impact on them.

That's a good idea, thank you. I'm trying not to be stressed about it, but I'm (metaphorically) pulling my hair out over this. I just need to rip the bandaid off I guess, now that I've calmed down from yesterday

Good morning (I'm guessing it's morning where you are ). I'm glad you're feeling calmer. And I'm also glad the hair pulling is only metaphorical lol (though I wish it wasn't there at all). Good luck with however you decide to tell him. I'm sure it'll be alright.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Well first off recognize that this isn't normal at all and it sounds to me like you need to find the right medication. It was kind of a journey for me to get there myself but in the end I did, and ultimately felt much calmer and basically totally unfazed by life. I know meds are seen as shit by the vast majority here but they have gotten me through some extremely difficult years. The trick is persevering and not giving up if you don't get it right first go.

It's not the situation as such that's the catalyst here, if you ask me. It's your mind overreacting. If you're prone to "feeling too much" as I was then I feel like life will always be hell, because if it's not one thing setting you off it'll be another.

Anyway, good luck to you. Hopefully today is easier.

 

[DrownedOctopus]

Good morning (I'm guessing it's morning where you are ). I'm glad you're feeling calmer. And I'm also glad the hair pulling is only metaphorical lol (though I wish it wasn't there at all). Good luck with however you decide to tell him. I'm sure it'll be alright.

Yes. Thank you, you helped me a lot, and I really appreciate that you took the time.

Well first off recognize that this isn't normal at all and it sounds to me like you need to find the right medication. It was kind of a journey for me to get there myself but in the end I did, and ultimately felt much calmer and basically totally unfazed by life. I know meds are seen as shit by the vast majority here but they have gotten me through some extremely difficult years. The trick is persevering and not giving up if you don't get it right first go.

It's not the situation as such that's the catalyst here, if you ask me. It's your mind overreacting. If you're prone to "feeling too much" as I was then I feel like life will always be hell, because if it's not one thing setting you off it'll be another.

Anyway, good luck to you. Hopefully today is easier.

You're right, I know it isn't normal. You're probably also right that I need meds, but there's a whole reason why I can't ask for that kind of help. The last time I went to a professional, it didn't go very well to say the least.
Thank you for your input, it gives me something else to mull over this weekend.

 

[seekingoblivion]

Yes. Thank you, you helped me a lot, and I really appreciate that you took the time.


You're right, I know it isn't normal. You're probably also right that I need meds, but there's a whole reason why I can't ask for that kind of help. The last time I went to a professional, it didn't go very well to say the least.
Thank you for your input, it gives me something else to mull over this weekend.

I'm always happy to help in whatever small way I can.

May I ask what your experience was with the professional? I remember you saying you've had professionals dismiss some of the things you've told them about your struggles. Does it have to do with that? I'd honestly encourage you to give meds a shot cause you're struggling with quite a bit and I hate you are.
If you don't want to share your experience on the forum you can pm me . And if you don't want to share it at all that's okay too.