Venting Journal: Wanting and trying and to improve life/self, terrified of change

[Heavy_Metals117]

I'm trying to make improvements, like now I'm trying to get a CDL so I can finally have a career, but I'm so scared of the lifestyle change it would be. I don't really see many other options for breaking into another area quickly given where I live. I'm really only doing this because it's too expensive to go to university even as a transfer student, all for what would likely be a useless music degree. I'm constantly scared and full of anxiety and fear that everything will go wrong, that I won't be able to handle being alone for so long, that I'm just too stupid. It's better than feeling like I have no options though. I want to be able to pay for things and support myself fully for once. I want to learn how to approach random people and talk confidently and coherently. I want to travel the country and see places and maybe experience them too. I want to be able to retire one day and have a family. I want to go back to school in the future once I could afford it with my own money. I'm just terrified of what would be the biggest change in my life ever. Whenever I'm alone in in bed away from my family in the evening with nothing productive to do, like now, I can't control my mind and I spiral and cry and think about ending things. I'm so scared of the future and change, but I want to change so badly. I lost my love of 6 years because I didn't change. I'm 22 and physically able with a family that is supporting this route for me and I know I should take advantage of it now. I keep being told and I know that it is not too late. Reading others people's stories who definitely have it worse than me have helped me see that. It's still so hard though. Typing here helps though, to organize my thoughts and emotions somewhat, and I hope it could help someone reading this too. I wish I could take anxiety medication, which has worked for me before tremendously, but it also removed my only inhibitions keeping me from attempting to ctb. Now I have to power through with a depression medication that makes me feel even more anxious. At least I'm still trying though, but it's so hard and I'm afraid I'll just give up again.

 

[timf]

Often it is new experiences that give one the confidence to try new things. As one collects these experiences and see that they are survivable, it helps to build that confidence. Even bad experiences can be helpful when they show that one can take a step or two backwards, and it still recoverable.

 

[MyMomWasMyLife]

Getting a CDL is a fantastic money making opportunity!! What stands out to me is that despite all the fear, you're still moving forward. You don't sound stupid or incapable—you sound like someone facing a huge life change and taking it seriously. The fact that you have goals beyond just getting a CDL—supporting yourself, traveling, building confidence, having a family, returning to school someday—shows you're thinking about a future worth fighting for.

For what it's worth, 22 is incredibly young, and it sounds like you're trying rather than giving up. Fear doesn't mean you're making the wrong choice—it often means you're stepping into something new.

 

[enjoytheride]

I agree with what has been said by others here.

I notice that you are anticipating issues you may face, such as being alone for long periods of time, after you move. First, it is not a given that you will be alone for long periods of time. It is possible you make friends and spend time with them. Also, you have the Internet and you can reach out to your family, friends and to us, of course. Also, consider that sometimes being alone is actually good - it allows you to have proper rest after a long day of hard work.

What is more important: by predicting a possible issue, you can prepare yourself now. You can plan right now how you will deal with long periods of loneliness if they actually happen. One of your strategies could be taking a book and going to a coffee shop. It personally makes me feel less lonely, even if I just sit there and watch people come and go. Another measure in your contingency plan could be calling a dear person to talk - just to check on them. It could be going to the cinema, to the park or even getting a pet, such as a cat, to keep you company. Make a plan, write it down, follow it scrupulously if the need arises. You will be fine. :)

It is great that you are aware of the issues that you may face. This gives you the opportunity to prepare and to face them as normal challenges of life.

 

[Another Iteration]

You are doing a good job. Coming here to write out your concerns in such clear language and recognize how hard it is--truly, I cannot commend you enough. Chances are this is the most difficult thing you have ever done--and that is not a dig. Honoring your effort and seeing your self, I thank you.

For the sake of seeking tomorrow, I invite you to separate your thoughts into chunks. A wall of text, while beautiful in its own right, is a little hard on the eyes, which may lead to some people skipping over your call for help. That is to say, we can all put in the effort to improve our communication methods--both the transmitter and the receiver--so that our inner wisdom can shine through unfettered.

Our anxiety flairs up when we become fragmented and those fragments feel like they are losing grip of the world. When it all gets too much, come back to breath. Come back to awareness. Use the tools at your disposal--5,4,3,2,1, for example. Mantra is also valuable for so many reasons--I invite you to allow mantra into your life. Lately my mantra has been the hawaiian word Ho'Oponopono.

With love,

A

 

[Heavy_Metals117]

Thank you all so much for your incredibly kind and helpful words. They mean so much and and actually made me cry some while reading. I will look back on this thread every day to reread and keep them in mind on this journey and I know your words will help others who read this, of which I am so thankful. I will probably also provide updates, like now.

Thank you Another Iteration for your advice on the walls of text, and I will implement it now. The breathing technique, as I have tested it, turns out to be a very helpful strategy in trying to slow down the mind to help prevent spiraling.

Thank you enjoytheride. I understand that being alone, while very scary, is also a necessary step in my growth as a person. I want to learn how to be alone and to be ok with myself. I will definitely keep your suggestions in mind and hopefully practice of plans on how to deal with loneliness. Your ideas are also great for dealing with multiple issues I have at the same time, like exposing myself to new experiences.

Thank you timf, you're right about exposing the self to new experiences and it's something I have to do consistently even though it is scary. A few days I went to a store alone, which I very rarely do, have never done alone, and always try to avoid. I even had a short conversation with the person at the counter who did my checkout which was also new. It was so scary, but it felt so good to know that I could do it, and now I just have to keep it in mind for the future.

MyMomWasMyLife, the CDL route is also great because I have family who have CDLs and are helping me to learn what I need to know to get started. It's also fairly easy so far to learn, like I've been studying my state's CDL manual for the past couple of days and have passed practice tests that reflect the tests I'll need to pass to get a CLP. My goal with that career for now is to eventually do OTR work using the hazmat endorsement, then when I'm ready to settle down I'll switch to local work at someplace I liked that I traveled to/through while working. That's subject to change though of course.

 

[Heavy_Metals117]

It's getting harder and harder getting closer to the goal, even if I'm only making little progress. I don't think this is what I want but I don't remember the last time I truly wanted anything other than nothing. Nothing ever makes me happy. Not love, not money, not family, not hobbies.

My depression medication just isn't helping. Therapy is feeling useless too. I feel like I'm unable to be happy. I wish I could just sit in one spot forever without any responsibility or physical needs until I was ready to die.

Being alone frightens me so much for some reason, but I was never happy with anyone. The closer I am to someone, the worse I am. I don't know how to love and I don't think I ever will. I think the only reason I'm still here is because I feel like I have to prove something to someone that I don't even have contact with anymore.

I'm a coward. I'm too scared to do the only thing that I know would relieve me of myself. I hate that I'm such a coward. I'm too scared to die and too scared to live. If I don't try to improve, life will only get worse and I'll probably still be too scared to do what I should.

I'm just so empty. I know no one really cares. No one really cares, not even me. That's why I'm in the position I'm in in the first place. I felt so empty and bad all the time that I just didn't care.

I'm not ready to be alone. I'm not ready to go one the road for weeks at a time with no contact with a friend. I just want a friend or someoneto love. I can't help it. I know it wouldn't help and I wouldn't treat them right and I would push them away purposefully. If they cared enough I would just take them for granted. It's just me.

Deep down I just want nothing to happen. For everything to be still. It's the epitome of laziness I guess. I just can't handle anything it seems. I'm not giving up yet though, at least I think. I don't want my life to get worse really, although I don't think it makes much of a difference. I think if I can't get accepted to this trucking company to get my CDL though, it might just be time to go.

 

[Heavy_Metals117]

Well I checked my weight in case I would be too heavy to pass my DOT physical exam. I was 285 lbs by the time my ex left me. Now, almost a month later, I'm 245 lbs. I didn't even notice the weight change. It felt good. Now that I'm not being enabled to be as unhealthy as possible by her I'm actually becoming healthy. The eating better, exercising, and quitting vaping is really showing its fruits I guess. All within a month. It doesn't help with my mental issues, but it's physical evidence of change.

It really does bring a little peace of mind knowing that it wasn't only me. Without her I'm actually capable of improving and now I have real evidence. Sure, it was always my fault for not changing, but now I am. That has to mean something. Even though being alone is terrifying, maybe it is good for something. It's probably better than being in a toxic relationship of unhappiness.

 

[Heavy_Metals117]

I'm not who I used to be and I hate when I'm reminded of that. I have a horrible memory, except when someone recalls or references a memory for me, or I randomly remember something for no reason. Even then I might not remember. I feel like I'm constantly lying.

I can't recall many specific events in my life. My childhood is basically all gone. I've been told I was a completely different person in my adolescence; I was happy, outgoing, interested in many things. I couldn't remember until I was told. It's always felt like everything was bad or nothing. But it wasn't.

I feel like that would normally give me hope but since I'm so disconnected from that person I just feel worse about it. Having a partner contributed to me becoming worse. I guess it reveals to me how inferior I am, how alien. I can't relate to people like other people can it seems.

Anyway, I am scheduled to head to Missouri for orientation on the 15th, my birthday. A 12 hour bus ride. It's going to be the first time I've done anything on my own without anyone I know. It's very scary. If I get the job, it'll be the next chapter of my life. Maybe who I am now will also become a stranger to me.

I think I'm just meant to be alone anyway. I've thought this for as long as I could remember. I just can't handle other people for too long even though I would really like to love. I have too many issues.

Whatever comes of this job and new lifestyle change will decide my fate. Maybe being truly alone will give me the courage and insight I need to make the choice.