quietism
We make our own wind
- Feb 3, 2025
- 61
In the past month I read two josei manga series: "My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness" and "How Do We Relationship?". And they made me cry so so much, because I think they both hit this incredibly vulnerable spot for me. FYI they both have pretty adult themes.
The first one is about a 28 year old girl who's never had a relationship, has a crippling eating disorder, pressure from filial piety and and struggled with suicide, in a wage-slavey kinda job limbo for way too long. They reclaim their life in this little baby step through arranging a lesbian escort at a love hotel, and have no idea how to conduct themselves but it becomes a lifechanging experience because they learn what intimacy can feel like. The big plot twist for this one is it's a debut autobiography as well.
The second one is more Bildungsroman style where a couple of young adults fall into, struggle and fall out of a lesbian relationship, and directly experience stigma in a fictional Japan setting. It's a lot longer, 13 volumes currently, but by far I liked volume 5 the most because it featured a full suicidal despair cycle of a protagonist after realising their lifelong role model didn't have the strength to fight lesbian stigma. Although I haven't experienced the exact things in the story, I could relate so strongly, the despair felt so realistic and honest it became lifelike for me.
There was a solid week after reading these my body shut down and I just kept crying from waking up to going to sleep. It was kind of embarrassing getting groceries with tears streaming down my face in public. Part of it is a realisation my life is a complete lack of social opportunity, I wish I had the chance to try like these characters did, but the stigma feels so high that I can't even pass that bar.
There are a few reasons I like these two so much. They have this slice-of-life that feels really genuine, like this is what it really feels like to be stigmatised. Which for me feels countercultural considering how much it goes against the Japanese status quo of fan service in anime and manga. I haven't been able to find other josei material that felt quite so countercultural to me. They both also recount suicidality in a completely uncensored way - this feeling of complete despair and a very slow, miraculous-but-plausible climb out of it. It annoys me that I have a limited vocabulary to describe this level of despair, and so while I'm glad these two series put them into words for me, having a little bit of the words of yearning and longing also kind of ripped my heart out.
Have you engaged with media that made you feel a similar way?
The first one is about a 28 year old girl who's never had a relationship, has a crippling eating disorder, pressure from filial piety and and struggled with suicide, in a wage-slavey kinda job limbo for way too long. They reclaim their life in this little baby step through arranging a lesbian escort at a love hotel, and have no idea how to conduct themselves but it becomes a lifechanging experience because they learn what intimacy can feel like. The big plot twist for this one is it's a debut autobiography as well.
The second one is more Bildungsroman style where a couple of young adults fall into, struggle and fall out of a lesbian relationship, and directly experience stigma in a fictional Japan setting. It's a lot longer, 13 volumes currently, but by far I liked volume 5 the most because it featured a full suicidal despair cycle of a protagonist after realising their lifelong role model didn't have the strength to fight lesbian stigma. Although I haven't experienced the exact things in the story, I could relate so strongly, the despair felt so realistic and honest it became lifelike for me.
There was a solid week after reading these my body shut down and I just kept crying from waking up to going to sleep. It was kind of embarrassing getting groceries with tears streaming down my face in public. Part of it is a realisation my life is a complete lack of social opportunity, I wish I had the chance to try like these characters did, but the stigma feels so high that I can't even pass that bar.
There are a few reasons I like these two so much. They have this slice-of-life that feels really genuine, like this is what it really feels like to be stigmatised. Which for me feels countercultural considering how much it goes against the Japanese status quo of fan service in anime and manga. I haven't been able to find other josei material that felt quite so countercultural to me. They both also recount suicidality in a completely uncensored way - this feeling of complete despair and a very slow, miraculous-but-plausible climb out of it. It annoys me that I have a limited vocabulary to describe this level of despair, and so while I'm glad these two series put them into words for me, having a little bit of the words of yearning and longing also kind of ripped my heart out.
Have you engaged with media that made you feel a similar way?
