Jealousy...

[lovemelovemenot]

I wish I was normal. I wish I could go into a room and just have a conversation with anyone. I wish I had a personality, or knew how to be myself. When I see other people interacting, it makes me even more sad because I know I'll never be able to have that. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like I never know what to say. Like my personality changes depending on who I'm with because I only know how to interact by mimicing what others are doing. Yeah everyone does this, but only to an extent. I literatlly have no sense of self or who I am.

And don't even get me started on relationships. Seeing couples, hearing coworkers talk about their boyfriends or girlfriends or whoever they're dating at the moment. It's like a bullet through the heart. I haven't had many relationships, the ones I have had were abusive and toxic as hell, and of course I put up with it cause I was desperate. I just so badly want to be wanted.

I can't even describe how much it hurts when I see what I'm missing out on. Friendships and lovers. I just don't want to exist without these bonds. I don't see the point in life if I'm so alone and in my own head.

 

[Irunfar]

I can completely relate....I have zero personality too. It's like I've been a black sheep all my life.

 

[StillWaiting]

Same here. I can't seems to talk to people at all .
Seeing how others are able to communicate with others so normally that I wonder what went wrong in my life.
Imaginary friends are now my way to cope with such situations

 

[Rachel74]

Like me you have to try. It's hard but you have to.

 

[Dawn0071111]

I have what ithers say is a beaitiful, passionate personality and had the same... it soesnt matter. .if there is trauma or attachment problems no amount of charisma will hide or make up for its deficits..... When ppl get the news of my death they will be stunned... "She was so nice, talented, beautiful person ,kind heart. ." Blal blah.... but Im fucked up. Broken st the core. There is so much more to life and relationship skills than being nice... i learned the hard way, now Im gomna die. Never having experienced mutual love. Yeah, i hear you. It's awful. You would think since its something we all.want & need it would not be so difficult.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I have a personality and I've never been in any kind of relationship in my life but I blame my mental health more for that one. I'm not very shy and I can talk to random strangers just fine. I've made a lot of friends at university but before that I didn't have any at all until middle school because homeschooling then community college. When you said you were in relationships before, even bad ones, I couldn't help but be impressed. Is this what rock bottom feels like?