January 10th-17th

[LivingANDDying26]

Hi, I feel a lot of comforts and such posting in this forum again and rn in my life.

To spare all the threads that may pop up during the week ima just post in here.

(I might write it in the suggestions sub but, a forum I used to frequent that was similar had a function where people could create their s. Essentially it was just space where you could post under/in. I felt it was a great way for people to have their own space. Alas, that forum was a lot smaller tho. )



Anyway. Right now it's Sunday evening.
I ordered pizza and I'm drinking beer.
Smoking weed as usual and using edibles. Listening to music and watching anime.

I feel p. miserable but do look forward to changing in staff.

Finally changed my calendar.. *shrugs*

 

[LivingANDDying26]

January 11th:

I woke up and as usual was ready to do my laundry but of course the fuckin door was jammed sooo.

I washed my hair instead. Uhmmm

Ordered/ordering some frozen/ready made meals.

Uhmmm

Feeling the realness of where im at emotionally and such... really fucking angry tbh..

The whole police thing was a catalyst. It really hammered in the theme in my life of having no control of anything.

Control doesnt even like half way exllain it. Control is too tame of a word.

It makes me feel like how I felt after realizing my EX sexually assaulted me multiple time. It makes me feel completely naked and like having literal shit thrown at me.

Like... i can't deal.... so. I am like rage induced. I went off for maybe 40 mins or so alone in my room. I have no desire to expand these thoughts outside of here or myself. So. Hmmmm yeah.

Its almost 11am gonna go smokeeeee. Needa like filter my brain.

 

[LivingANDDying26]

January 12th:

Almost 8am, been up for an hour or so.
Slept pretty on and off but alas it was/is enough.

Im always sooo hungry and im starving right now...

I think I have an appointment with a psychiatrist but its far among other things. I'm not interested.


Sooo today is probs just a laundry and continue with important calls kinda day.

I wish I didn't live in such a "protected" environment...

Making friends or any connection isn't real. It's very empty...
Only had a few chances outside of mental health to make friends, over the last 5 years. The circumstances haven't been tbe best but I made friends everywhere i went.

Just couldnt keep them around as each situation got worse so.


Either way.... living here is too fucking much. Too much people. Too much interactions. It involves people too much.

Even if I wanted to order a task rabbit for my move "rules" don't allow as such. So im just stuck relying on fucking staff.

I HATE IT HERE. Yeah its great my basic needs ARE FINALLY being met but... this is not the spot for me.

 

[fent_dnm27]

Good idea. My January 12th:

I slept well and woke up feeling refreshed. Some interruptions but nothing to write home about. I'm still adjusting to my new environment as I recently moved.

living alone under lockdown definitely wore on me for a period, but I've found a good rhythm now to manage. Since all my socializing is virtual now, it actually has made it easier on me physically. I do miss seeing my friends, but one of the weird artefacts of this period is a lot more people started reaching out, out of the blue, to reconnect. It's been such a pleasure to reconnect with old friends, and this has turned into long phone conversations and face time calls that have really uplifted me.

back to my new apartment: my building feels pretty empty, and I imagine the lockdown contributes to that. My view isn't qualitatively better or worse than my old place had, just different. I see a lot more urban skyline now, which is cool.

 

[LivingANDDying26]

Saturday Jan 16th...

Forgot the remembered this thread. Honestly the week eas pretty uneventful.
Sometimes I feel like (or know) that im trying and doing all I can but its mever enough.
If it isnt enough then the logical conclusion for me is to change it up or step it up but... nothing makes me feel like anything im doing is actually right for me. Just being "ok" isn't enough it's actually worse.

What the point of having intelligence if I can cultivate it properly...
Just feel tired. Like.... Dying isnt something I can plan for the now and neither is living really either. Just waiting and patience and all that shit. Keeoing myself busy is great but not. The hussle and bussle of life wears me out with no feeling of satisfaction.

Needa move things in life along so I don't have to keep sustaining the same bullshit