Venting I've ruined my life because of my own stupidity

[Zvetok26]

Hey, here I am again.
After one whole year. One year ago I nearly messed up my education. Still got a second chance. And of course I messed up again. And this time irreversible. I read the requirements wrongly and the consequence is that I am not allowed to study anymore.
March 20th is the final day. Till then I must be gone.

I am 21, this year I will be 22. I have achieved nothing. I don't even have a driver license. On the contrary, I screwed up, massively. don't have any clue what I want to do with my life. I am a joke. I am pathetic human being. I don't deserve to waste resources anymore. I cant look my parents in the eyes. They have supported me, financially and emotionally. My mom especially always tells me that it's okay, that I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my life...while I'm telling her how great everything is. How great I study and how many friends I'm making. Truth is, I barely had the energy to write all exams and I don't have any friends (left). I literally had one job: college. And I couldn't do it. Because I'm even too fucking stupid to read, apparently.

I hate myself. I hate my privileged ass. My parents, especially my mom, deserved a much better daughter. Any other person would have achieved so much.
March 20th. I hope that at least suicide is one thing I won't screw up.
I'm sorry for everyone who had to read this pathetic post.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I don't think that not being able to study / failing university / no uni degree is the end of the world with 21/22. I also failed university and have no uni degree but this wasn't the end of the world! Not everyone is made for studying at universities, that's it. There are many other ways to get sth running in a life, especially at such a young age and with supporting parents. I'm pretty sure you are a good daughter und you deserve the support your parents offer!

March 20th. I hope that at least suicide is one thing I won't screw up.

May I ask, what's your method?

 

[Zvetok26]

I don't think that not being able to study / failing university / no uni degree is the end of the world with 21/22. I also failed university and have no uni degree but this wasn't the end of the world! Not everyone is made for studying at universities, that's it. There are many other ways to get sth running in a life, especially at such a young age and with supporting parents. I'm pretty sure you are a good daughter und you deserve the support your parents offer!

Thank you for your kind words, really. But I am so ashamed. My parents aren't well off. My father ,who receives pension because of his disability, works part-time to support me. My mom also thinks about working part-time in addition to her fulltime-job. So I can fully focus on studying. And I couldn't. I don't even why. I'm just too stupid

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Thank you for your kind words, really. But I am so ashamed. My parents aren't well off. My father ,who receives pension because of his disability, works part-time to support me. My mom also thinks about working part-time in addition to her fulltime-job. So I can fully focus on studying. And I couldn't. I don't even why. I'm just too stupid

You have such loving parents and they would do everything for you. You deserve it bc they brought you into existence and they are responsible for you. They want the best for you. I think you should talk to them isn't there anything you are interested in? I'm pretty sure there are other ways to achieve sth. What did u study, perhaps a subject you are not really interested in, just for the sake of studies / uni degree?

You don't have to answer in public if you don't want, but try to find answers for yourself.

 

[Zvetok26]

You have such loving parents and they would do everything for you. You deserve it bc they brought you into existence and they are responsible for you. They want the best for you. I think you should talk to them isn't there anything you are interested in? I'm pretty sure there are other ways to achieve sth. What did u study, perhaps a subject you are not really interested in, just for the sake of studies / uni degree?

You don't have to answer in public if you don't want, but try to find answers for yourself.

You are very kind. Thank you.
Yeah, I just chose a subject just to choose one. So I can say that I am doing something. The exams I wrote quite successfully. But it was such a dread.
Idk, I can't see myself living any longer. I literally don't have any talents or skills. And I was literally to dumb to read the basic requirements for uni....

 

[hana0]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm also struggling with university related stuff so I relate. I hate the major I chose but it's to late for me to quit. I hate waking up in the morning and going to classes. I just hope you'll be able to figure it out and give yourself another chance. From what you wrote your parents seem very loving and supportive so maybe they could help you through it

 

[Zvetok26]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm also struggling with university related stuff so I relate. I hate the major I chose but it's to late for me to quit. I hate waking up in the morning and going to classes. I just hope you'll be able to figure it out and give yourself another chance. From what you wrote your parents seem very loving and supportive so maybe they could help you through it

Oh, I'm sorry. How much longer do have to go to uni? Mind if I ask why you can't switch? Either way I wish you the best. Maybe you can change after finishing uni

No, for me this was a wake up call. I'm too stupid for life. I dont want to be a burden to my parents any longer. That's not fair. They deserved better.

 

[AbsurdAbyss]

This pain, its mine too - I know how it hurts. I hope you find your peace soon, wherever it may be. Death, to me, will always be all that life never could.

 

[Zvetok26]

Haha, a little update, if anybody cares (no one does, why should anyone, and that's totally okay, i understand), buuut someone from the student guidance service reached out to me. So I have to meet them tomorrow. It's weird that they're willing to help me. Like why??? I fucked up.
Originally I planned to clean up my physical mess, that I call my room, tomorrow.
Why can't I do both? I don't have the energy and I'm fucking lazy...so there's that.
I know I should go....but I don't feel hopeful. I finally found the courage to ctb.

I can't tell if the universe loves or hates me

 

[unabletocope]

Hey, this reads like you're doing a good job. Keep going and don't stress about not having a drivers license

 

[february in alaska]

As a fellow 21 year old university student and failure of a daughter, this is painfully relatable. I'm a hypocrite for saying it, but do consider reaching out and just laying it all out on the table with your parents to see if there's something outside of university for you… it definitely isn't right for everyone, and that's okay. It's worth it if you even have a sliver of hope or desire to keep going

If not, all I can offer you is a big virtual hug. I'm sorry life is this way. It's easy to blame ourselves, but none of this is easy. I hope you're able to find peace in one way or another

 

[Zvetok26]

As a fellow 21 year old university student and failure of a daughter, this is painfully relatable. I'm a hypocrite for saying it, but do consider reaching out and just laying it all out on the table with your parents to see if there's something outside of university for you… it definitely isn't right for everyone, and that's okay. It's worth it if you even have a sliver of hope or desire to keep going

If not, all I can offer you is a big virtual hug. I'm sorry life is this way. It's easy to blame ourselves, but none of this is easy. I hope you're able to find peace in one way or another

Hey, your advice is really solid. I hope you manage to take at least part of it to heart. And yes, this is probably pretty hypocritical of me, but I'm sure you're not such a failure. You'll have done something good in your life. And if only it were those nice words you wrote me.

Unfortunately I can't see myself in the near future. But I never have.The past ten years I refused to decide if I rather want to die or to live. So I've never committed to one or another. I've just existed. That's how I ended up without any friends, skills, plans etc. I'm basically a zombie

And thank you, at least I got a virtual hug :') I can only wish you peace back.

Hey, this reads like you're doing a good job. Keep going and don't stress about not having a drivers license

Thank you...At least the public transportation where I live is decent. I know I'm pretty privileged. That's why I hate myself so much. I know every other person in my position would be living a fulfilling life right now.

 

[theboy]

how do you plan to do ctb? i'm sorry you are going through these times but don't be so hard on yourself. you sure have positive aspects.

 

[Ulrich]

I can relate, although I never went to uni since I failed so horribly at school. I'll probably end up some blue collar worker who dreams at most of a managerial position.
Sorry for what you're going through.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope you find peace soon

 

[Jessedesman]

Hey, here I am again.
After one whole year. One year ago I nearly messed up my education. Still got a second chance. And of course I messed up again. And this time irreversible. I read the requirements wrongly and the consequence is that I am not allowed to study anymore.
March 20th is the final day. Till then I must be gone.

I am 21, this year I will be 22. I have achieved nothing. I don't even have a driver license. On the contrary, I screwed up, massively. don't have any clue what I want to do with my life. I am a joke. I am pathetic human being. I don't deserve to waste resources anymore. I cant look my parents in the eyes. They have supported me, financially and emotionally. My mom especially always tells me that it's okay, that I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my life...while I'm telling her how great everything is. How great I study and how many friends I'm making. Truth is, I barely had the energy to write all exams and I don't have any friends (left). I literally had one job: college. And I couldn't do it. Because I'm even too fucking stupid to read, apparently.

I hate myself. I hate my privileged ass. My parents, especially my mom, deserved a much better daughter. Any other person would have achieved so much.
March 20th. I hope that at least suicide is one thing I won't screw up.
I'm sorry for everyone who had to read this pathetic

Hey, here I am again.
After one whole year. One year ago I nearly messed up my education. Still got a second chance. And of course I messed up again. And this time irreversible. I read the requirements wrongly and the consequence is that I am not allowed to study anymore.
March 20th is the final day. Till then I must be gone.

I am 21, this year I will be 22. I have achieved nothing. I don't even have a driver license. On the contrary, I screwed up, massively. don't have any clue what I want to do with my life. I am a joke. I am pathetic human being. I don't deserve to waste resources anymore. I cant look my parents in the eyes. They have supported me, financially and emotionally. My mom especially always tells me that it's okay, that I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my life...while I'm telling her how great everything is. How great I study and how many friends I'm making. Truth is, I barely had the energy to write all exams and I don't have any friends (left). I literally had one job: college. And I couldn't do it. Because I'm even too fucking stupid to read, apparently.

I hate myself. I hate my privileged ass. My parents, especially my mom, deserved a much better daughter. Any other person would have achieved so much.
March 20th. I hope that at least suicide is one thing I won't screw up.
I'm sorry for everyone who had to read this pathetic post.

I know how it feels because like you, I've ruined my life with my own stupidity. Sometimes I think if I'm not smart enough to live in this world and that suicide could be the best solution in my case. Despite being at uni, I still feel that I'll never be smart enough to work after leaving uni.

 

[noname223]

I just found this thread. I think you are also from Germany so I switch to German.

Ich habe auch sehr große Probleme mit dem Studium aufgrund meiner psychischen Krankheit. Hast du überlegt Nachteilsausgleich anzumelden? Dafür musste meine Psychiaterin mir nur ein kleines Attest schreiben und man bekommt das sehr viele Vorteile zum Beispiel mehr Zeit für Klausuren, großzügigerer Umgang mit Deadlines etc. Vielleicht solltest du mal bei der Studienberatung deines Fachbereichs nachfragen.

Nur ein kleiner Tipp von mir. Ich glaube du sprichst zumindest deutsch, ob du aus Deutschland kommst, weiß ich nicht. Bei Nachfragen kannst du dich gerne an mich wenden.

 

[etherealspring]

i can relate to this, and ive never felt so lost in life before. sorry ur going through this, it's sad seeing someone going through something similar to me

 

[AlouA]

Hey, here I am again.
After one whole year. One year ago I nearly messed up my education. Still got a second chance. And of course I messed up again. And this time irreversible. I read the requirements wrongly and the consequence is that I am not allowed to study anymore.
March 20th is the final day. Till then I must be gone.

I am 21, this year I will be 22. I have achieved nothing. I don't even have a driver license. On the contrary, I screwed up, massively. don't have any clue what I want to do with my life. I am a joke. I am pathetic human being. I don't deserve to waste resources anymore. I cant look my parents in the eyes. They have supported me, financially and emotionally. My mom especially always tells me that it's okay, that I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my life...while I'm telling her how great everything is. How great I study and how many friends I'm making. Truth is, I barely had the energy to write all exams and I don't have any friends (left). I literally had one job: college. And I couldn't do it. Because I'm even too fucking stupid to read, apparently.

I hate myself. I hate my privileged ass. My parents, especially my mom, deserved a much better daughter. Any other person would have achieved so much.
March 20th. I hope that at least suicide is one thing I won't screw up.
I'm sorry for everyone who had to read this pathetic post.

you're not alone , sister.. I'm repeating shs year 12th for the third time but it's because of my social anxiety.. and stopping for two years has really made me stupid.. i feel like you, I can't read in an in-depth manner.. I don't have any friends and I don't know how basic social interactions work.. I'm 19 in a room full of 16-17 well some are 18.. I hate myself for turning out like this .. my parents were nothing but supportive financially and emotionally since i made it known that i had this problem. Now 1st day into year 12th (again), I'm having an overwhelmingly strong feeling of being suicidal, and whenever i feel like this , the thought of my parents getting devastated is as unbearable as taking my own life and living at the same time.

 

[Heavy Rain]

I agree with your Mom, it's okay
You are very hard on yourself
I can relate, but this will pass
Even if you don't get a fancy education, there's other opportunities in life
I hope you will give it some time, and try to deal with whatever might be causing the problems
Sounds like you are under a lot of stress maybe
I hope things will work out for you