I understand. That makes sense. But changing your lenses is arguably the hardest thing you could do in your life.
Do you have any resources that teach meditation? I found that after I tried to "speak" with God in some extreme moments of despair, I felt somewhat peaceful, maybe that counts as meditation.
I HAVE to spend countless hours on devices since I work on IT. Do you think that exercising counts as downtime? If there is one thing I'm disciplined about is lifting (hence my nickname).
I definitely agree that changing your lenses is very difficult, I totally agree. And the process is absolutely not going to be overnight. But it's going to be a process where you practice mindfulness and meditation and being in the moment in order to change that lens. For the moment, just understand that it is your lens that makes the world so negative. It is neutral at its foundation. Do not give up. It takes time to change and you will have crashes where you felt like you lost progress, but remember that progress is not linear. Real progress is going up and then crashing a bit and then building yourself back up. Have self-compassion and patience with yourself. :)
How do you learn meditation? Honestly, just sit in a comfortable position and focus on your breath, and then move to different parts of your body and focus on how they feel. During this meditation, especially if you are depressed, you may have some random thoughts, and during your meditation, you want to try and notice them without judgment and then return your focus back to the breath or the sensations in your body. What this does is it 1) trains you to be present (thinking is the cause of misery, legitimately) and 2) helps you to gain control over your thoughts in the sense that you can notice your thoughts and then accept them or reject them. When you are depressed, you have negative thought patterns that pop into your brain randomly. People who are depressed have no distance or control over their thoughts in the sense that if they get a negative thought from their negative thought PATTERN, they accept it to be true when there is the choice of focusing on the good (It's not easy, but that is the reality). Nobody is PERFECT, so do not scold yourself if you slip. Even I slip sometimes. But it's all about self-compassion and being patient with one's self. Another thing is that thinking is the cause of misery. Avoid thinking about the past or future. Living for us as humans is the state of being alert and aware without thinking at all. The past should be seen as lessons where you really use the past in order to use a lesson for the present/future. The future should be seen as something where you make a plan and do the action in the present. Whenever you look at the past or the future, think about how it connects to the present moment. If you think about that time you fucked up, focus your attention on how it connects to the present moment and what you can learn as a lesson for the present moment and possibly future moment. If you look at the future, think about how you can make a plan to do stuff in the present. Avoid reliving past experiences or worrying about the future.
Another thing is that part of the skill that meditation does is to be present in your daily life. This is probably the BIGGEST thing in my entire list even though I didn't list everything in a nice order. Anyway, you want to make it part of your lifestyle where you try to get your mind into the state of being alert and aware without thinking and just observing the things in your life. If you ever wonder why your time is running by, it's because you're thinking too much. By being in that present state, it's so rehabilitative. It makes me feel so good and peaceful and good. So it's not only meditation that can help you practice that state but it's just the state of trying to be alert and aware in your daily life while you're going to your car or while you're opening your door or making a meal or doing something. You cannot claim it and be like, "I am so present right now." Being present has no form. You just ARE present. It's like the cloudless sky... space... stillness. Get into this state as much as possible.
I have actually started spirituality, so that is absolutely a thing if you want to try and become religious or spiritual in some sort of way. There truly is something beyond our physical world. I just didn't mention it because I wanted to give more of a general answer for people and not force them into spirituality because I thought it was great. I wouldn't say it's necessarily meditation, but it most definitely is an act that is soothing, and you should definitely continue to do that more if it soothes you. Because it makes you feel better, it could be a form of relaxing that helps you to be more present and focused, so it could be seen as meditative. I think I'm more just playing around with labels, but either way, you should definitely keep doing that.
Exercising is most definitely downtime. Great idea! It gives lots of good endorphins! Super great idea! It's ok to spend hours on your computer as long as you are doing some form of exercise and taking breaks from your laptop. It's more concerning with social media and stuff.
you can quite literally go fuck yourself
so glad for you to not have experienced horrific abuse but don't act like it isn't bad or like its a fucking gift. Its not that I see a savior complex as a form of abuse, these people are abusers quite often. I would literally give anything to have not been abused from my birth to the age of 25, all those years straight full of abuse, no break from it. I did not need these "lessons" i would have functioned so much better without it.
edit: now that i am less angry, shouldn't have said the first part but I'm not gonna remove it and pretend I didn't say it. you're still saying pretty insensitive things though and it's not okay.
I never said that your abuse wasn't bad. It most definitely is an unpleasant experience, and I know your anger towards me is a reflection of you being hurt, and I understand that and my heart truly aches for you. I truly send love, even if you want to tell me, "Fuck you." I do understand the sadness in your soul.
I truly do want the best for you and know you can power through this. I just wanted to talk about how you could possibly try your best to allow yourself to heal while also trying to make progress. It won't be something that is easy, but you may find it to be a worthy journey.