Venting I've noticed that people don't want my help when I offer it, so now I don't bother anymore

[KillingPain267]

People don't listen to what I can offer in knowledge about science, philosophy or even just fun experiences but would rather hear themselves speak. So I've internalized it and don't contribute to conversations anymore. And then I'm blamed for being too quiet. That's why I developed social anxiety. Even my family (who I can at least still open up to) just fall asleep when I talk to them about things that interest me (science, philosophy, psychology etc.).

The love I had to offer to my spouse was not enough either, and got rejected after 8 years of marriage. So I sure as hell don't even want to try to offer my love to someone else. It's useless.

The work skills I offer, or potentially have, were also rejected by over 500 applications. So I've internalized it as a very low motivation. The first 100 applications, I was motivated to improve my presentation, but after 300 it became ludicrous and absurd so I just sent out mass produced standard applications to all jobs.

And I've noticed that when I offer help to someone as a kind every day gesture they look at me weird or rarely say thank you. So now I don't bother when someone looks like they are in need. I barely even feel empathy anymore. I've been trained to not bother.

So I am now officially done offering myself to the world. I now know 100% that I don't belong here. Don't even bother reading this, I have nothing to offer you.

 

[Alpenglow]

Well if you like talking about science or philosophy I can listen, I'm not particularly well versed in the latter but I like to think I have some general knowledge on the former. No need to offer anything, you can just post your thoughts in offtopic and see who would like to "tune in".

Only if you find it enjoyable though, don't force yourself if it's frustrating ^^

 

[KillingPain267]

Well if you like talking about science or philosophy I can listen, I'm not particularly well versed in the latter but I like to think I have some general knowledge on the former. No need to offer anything, you can just post your thoughts in offtopic and see who would like to "tune in".

Only if you find it enjoyable though, don't force yourself if it's frustrating ^^

Yeah, it's actually only here I have an outlet. Ever since I joined and posted, there have been people interacting which I found comforting. In real life nobody can stand listening to me speak. It's all fine though, I'm not even mad. I am just pissed that I then get gaslighted for retreating.

 

[Alpenglow]

Yeah, it's actually only here I have an outlet. Ever since I joined and posted, there have been people interacting which I found comforting. In real life nobody can stand listening to me speak. It's all fine though, I'm not even mad. I am just pissed that I then get gaslighted for retreating.

I can give you a more complex answer regarding socialisation tbf. The issue being that people are typically concerned with themselves and like talking about themselves. So when you're talking about stuff you find enjoyable, they may not be engaged. Problem is when you stop, then you have to figure out what else to say.

A good conversationalist is fundamentally able to draw out people's interests and stories by asking good questions. That's easier said than done, the questions have to be relevant. The important feeling that you want to convey imo is that you're trying to understand them or learn about them.

A conversation should have some give and take, so you should also add some of your stories or interests into the mix, relating them to the subject at hand. The interplay is complicated imo, especially if you want to do it well. I'm not sure what situation make people not enjoy what you offer, or makes them think you're quiet, if you'd like to be more specific, I may be able to offer you a more relevant answer.

 

[KillingPain267]

I can give you a more complex answer regarding socialisation tbf. The issue being that people are typically concerned with themselves and like talking about themselves. So when you're talking about stuff you find enjoyable, they may not be engaged.

I am usually very engaged in what others have to say in a conversation, like over a lunch. Even if I don't find their topics interesting on my own. I have no problem with just listening and being quiet. I'm not mad. It's just I am always then blamed for being too quiet and boring. So I've learned to just withdraw from humans. I barely feel human at this point.

 

[Alpenglow]

I am usually very engaged in what others have to say in a conversation, like over a lunch. Even if I don't find their topics interesting on my own. I have no problem with just listening and being quiet. I'm not mad. It's just I am always then blamed for being too quiet and boring. So I've learned to just withdraw from humans. I barely feel human at this point.

It may be an issue with how you express that interest then, while listening, you should try finding what confuses you or what's similar or different with your interests, then ask questions or raise points based on that. You may be familiar with mirroring as well, that also works in conversation if you reuse someone's wording while asking for them to elaborate.

Don't be disheartened though, this stuff is hard and I'm pretty sure most people struggle with it. And I'm pretty sure being aware of it is the first step, because I have a friend who's normal and doesn't really think about this stuff, and how he resolves conflict infuriates me to no end ^^'

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I heavily relate. A part of it is just incompatibility, I've found -- being around the wrong people. I've never been able to find "my crowd," but once upon a time I did luck out and find "my person." Conversation suddenly became easy, effortless...

But that was a long time ago. Even if I could find that again, the years have hollowed me out and I no longer have anything to say.