I’ve never felt this way before (vent)

[suicidaleeyore]

I've been suicidal since I was 12, I am 23 now. I've had multiple attempts, some where more cries for help me probably wouldn't have killed me anyway but I've also had serious attempts that very likely would have worked without treatment. I've felt low most of my life. I suffer extreme anxiety especially social anxiety. The past 6-8 weeks have been so bad that my mum had taken a month off work to care for me. I feel awful cause she is the only reason I am trying to stay alive and she absolutely doesn't deserve thiS. But I feel so fucking low. So hopeless. I have never felt the feeling inside me I have now - I don't really know how to explain it. It's like I've given up. I'm disconnected from the world, apparently it's derealization or something. It's a weird feeling that enhances my suicidal thoughts because I am growing increasingly disconnected from the world. I feel like it's not even real. I don't really know what else to say, I just want to die. I ordered SN this morning and it should be here by the weekend. I won't use it straight away though but I'm planning too. I am going to try get a prescription for anti emetics next week. I wish I didn't feel like this or that it is gonna come to this but it is and I feel powerless to change it

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really dreadful and tiring what you've been through, existence really is too cruel. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.