Help I’ve got a 6 month timeframe no fixed method

[justwanasleep]

I don't know where to start but first of all thank you to admin for letting me become a member, I feel like I'm now part of a elusive club. I'm 26 but throughout my whole life I've just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. Throughout my childhood I had the worst anxiety every single day but at that point I didn't know what anxiety was so it has always been my natural state of being. My childhood wasn't the worst I wasn't raped or anything like that but there was certainly no love in the house I grew up in. even to this day I feel like a outsider looking in on my family it's like I'm there but I'm not.

So 3 times I have tried to kill myself with my prescribed medications mainly loads of quetiapine and propranolol it does not work. I've been in the nut house twice but not after the overdoses I just went for a break I wasn't sectioned. I live alone but if I don't answer my phone once a day to my mum she will come round and as she has a key and she's the one that always finds me and rings a ambulance. Even though I wasn't shown much love I sure know how to give it and I really do love my family despite everything. I hate upsetting my mum and Nana but I just don't want to be here. My life is ok from the outside looking in but I can't seem to enjoy it. So with that being said I won't be overdosing again and I can't anyway now I have weekly prescriptions so that's deffo off the table. I almost jumped in front of a high speed train about a year ago but I chickened out.

I'm so fucking glad I found this site it's given me lots of inspiration but I'm also more confused than ever.

I thought about using helium/nitrogen but it's quite hard to just get 1 tank in the uk and I'm not a technical person I wouldn't be able to sort the regulator and stuff out. it's not like I can ask someone for help and also my mum would see the tank and know something was seriously wrong there no reason I'd need one other than suicide.

I don't really like the sound of SN I don't want my skin to turn blue while I'm still conscious it would really freak me out and I want it to be a calm time.

Partial hanging is a completely new concept to me I thought there was one way to hang and you have to kick the chair away, I'm thinking about doing this at a hotel as I don't want my mum to find me this time.

Im thinking of getting a decent tent and charcoal I really like the thought of just drifting off after eating some hot dogs and snacks but if I woke up the next day and It didn't work I'd be devastated.

whenever I've tried to do it and it hasn't worked it makes me feel like the biggest failure ever and them with some shaming from family its just awful. I just need to make sure the next time I do it it 100% works.

Recently when I've been getting in bed I've been fantasising about booking a 1 way flight to Peru or Mexico and getting some pentobarbital and drinking it in a lovely hotel and just drifting off into the next life. That is my ideal death I just don't want to get there and no vet will sell it to me, id just feel like a bigger failure and do something daft and impulsive. It needs to be planed.

Theres another thing that worries me I believe in life after death my favourite book Rosicrucian wisdom by Rudolph Steiner says the body splits back into 4 parts the physical, astral, ether and ego and then you go through karmaloca so this worries me or if religion turns out to be true I'll be stuck in purgatory. My head is scrambled but I'm hopeful to kill my self within the next 6 months I have a few things to sort first.

Thank you to anyone who reads im not sure what I'm asking but I cannot talk about any of this with anyone I know in real life. they all want to live to they don't get it at all.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

I really hope wherever you end up, its someplace peaceful where you can finally relax
You deserve to be at peace no matter what the universe has to say about it and I hope the journey is peaceful too
Good luck, friend

 

[justwanasleep]

Thank you

 

[A simple aid]

I don't know where to start but first of all thank you to admin for letting me become a member, I feel like I'm now part of a elusive club. I'm 26 but throughout my whole life I've just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. Throughout my childhood I had the worst anxiety every single day but at that point I didn't know what anxiety was so it has always been my natural state of being. My childhood wasn't the worst I wasn't raped or anything like that but there was certainly no love in the house I grew up in. even to this day I feel like a outsider looking in on my family it's like I'm there but I'm not.

So 3 times I have tried to kill myself with my prescribed medications mainly loads of quetiapine and propranolol it does not work. I've been in the nut house twice but not after the overdoses I just went for a break I wasn't sectioned. I live alone but if I don't answer my phone once a day to my mum she will come round and as she has a key and she's the one that always finds me and rings a ambulance. Even though I wasn't shown much love I sure know how to give it and I really do love my family despite everything. I hate upsetting my mum and Nana but I just don't want to be here. My life is ok from the outside looking in but I can't seem to enjoy it. So with that being said I won't be overdosing again and I can't anyway now I have weekly prescriptions so that's deffo off the table. I almost jumped in front of a high speed train about a year ago but I chickened out.

I'm so fucking glad I found this site it's given me lots of inspiration but I'm also more confused than ever.

I thought about using helium/nitrogen but it's quite hard to just get 1 tank in the uk and I'm not a technical person I wouldn't be able to sort the regulator and stuff out. it's not like I can ask someone for help and also my mum would see the tank and know something was seriously wrong there no reason I'd need one other than suicide.

I don't really like the sound of SN I don't want my skin to turn blue while I'm still conscious it would really freak me out and I want it to be a calm time.

Partial hanging is a completely new concept to me I thought there was one way to hang and you have to kick the chair away, I'm thinking about doing this at a hotel as I don't want my mum to find me this time.

Im thinking of getting a decent tent and charcoal I really like the thought of just drifting off after eating some hot dogs and snacks but if I woke up the next day and It didn't work I'd be devastated.

whenever I've tried to do it and it hasn't worked it makes me feel like the biggest failure ever and them with some shaming from family its just awful. I just need to make sure the next time I do it it 100% works.

Recently when I've been getting in bed I've been fantasising about booking a 1 way flight to Peru or Mexico and getting some pentobarbital and drinking it in a lovely hotel and just drifting off into the next life. That is my ideal death I just don't want to get there and no vet will sell it to me, id just feel like a bigger failure and do something daft and impulsive. It needs to be planed.

Theres another thing that worries me I believe in life after death my favourite book Rosicrucian wisdom by Rudolph Steiner says the body splits back into 4 parts the physical, astral, ether and ego and then you go through karmaloca so this worries me or if religion turns out to be true I'll be stuck in purgatory. My head is scrambled but I'm hopeful to kill my self within the next 6 months I have a few things to sort first.

Thank you to anyone who reads im not sure what I'm asking but I cannot talk about any of this with anyone I know in real life. they all want to live to they don't get it at all.

Dude i dont know if you asking for a method or for advice......dude id like to say that most people over dramatize love....the mere fact that your mother calls you once a day and rushes over when something is amiss....is worth something....i dont know what lie people have lead you to believe of this wonderful paradise or indescribable feeling or whatever...its part of the reason why most of the people here are here...their expectations are too high....bro its a simple life ur born ....you provide for yourself and preferrably someone ...you die....the rest is just spice.....id advise you to find people who understand you and can make your life more bearable ...not those that slander it and are "immortally" depressed....itll rub off on you....just try your best bro...enjoy what you can enjoy...avoid wisely what hurts you....and find comfort in the arms of those who understand you...pick wisely....however if you choose death and like most people are still around even after...then good luck bro...if you want to help urself and others im here for you bro ...good luck...we all suffer lets help each other reduce it

 

[AnxietyHangover]

Read your story and I can relate in a way, also we are the same age, I think I can understand your feelings to some extent. I'm not giving you advice or anything, but with SN I don't think you'll get to see your flesh turning blue, you'll fall unconscious way sooner than that.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry life has brought you here but I hope you can find some comfort here. I am so grateful for this place to be able to express how I truly feel and share the (all be it- bad) experience with others.

Don't feel like a failure for failing your previous attempts. I think we get this idea growing up that suicide is easy to do when just the statistics prove otherwise. I believe it's something like out of every 25 attempts, only 1 is successful. Plus, there are so many restrictions now and alterations to potentially hazardous substances that it isn't a case of just taking a handful of pills and gently passing on.

I'm afraid it's an extremely personal thing- choosing a method. Really all of them seem to have things to justifiably be concerned about. I think all any of us can do is browse through all the materials here and find the one we maybe have less worries about than the others.

Belief is also a tricky one- as it's so personal and who is anyone to tell you you are right or wrong when there are so many unknowns? I personally grew up in a not very strictly religious set up, although there were ideas of heaven, God, afterlife and even hell/ purgatory for suicides floating around. I feel like I have 'overcome' a fair bit of faith in many aspects of religion- as it makes sense to me that a lot of it seems 'man-made' to keep people in order. Still, it's hard to shake off all beliefs/ fears when you have grown up with them. I sympathise there also but sadly, can't find the words to reassure you. Still, I wish you all the best on whatever you decide to do.

 

[justwanasleep]

Dude i dont know if you asking for a method or for advice......dude id like to say that most people over dramatize love....the mere fact that your mother calls you once a day and rushes over when something is amiss....is worth something....i dont know what lie people have lead you to believe of this wonderful paradise or indescribable feeling or whatever...its part of the reason why most of the people here are here...their expectations are too high....bro its a simple life ur born ....you provide for yourself and preferrably someone ...you die....the rest is just spice.....id advise you to find people who understand you and can make your life more bearable ...not those that slander it and are "immortally" depressed....itll rub off on you....just try your best bro...enjoy what you can enjoy...avoid wisely what hurts you....and find comfort in the arms of those who understand you...pick wisely....however if you choose death and like most people are still around even after...then good luck bro...if you want to help urself and others im here for you bro ...good luck...we all suffer lets help each other reduce it

I don't know what I'm asking either I'm just exited that I can talk to people that feel similar to me everyone in my life seems to get on with it and enjoy stuff. I have lots of lovely material possessions and lovely beautiful home and family that care in their own way but I'd give it up right now for some inner peace. I hardly sleep recently even with my quetiapine. I hate myself even though I eat well and exercise a lot. I have hobby's and freedom and choices and I'm ok for money but I don't want any of it. I always have a deep awful feeling in my stomach.

I don't ever want to be in a relationship again I'm always on the back foot because I don't do any social media or dating sites and every guy seems to be addicted to them. I speak to archangel Michael all day everyday I think he's my soulmate he gives me the strength that I need for now, I just hope he can forgive me for what I'm going to do.

Read your story and I can relate in a way, also we are the same age, I think I can understand your feelings to some extent. I'm not giving you advice or anything, but with SN I don't think you'll get to see your flesh turning blue, you'll fall unconscious way sooner than that.

Ooohh interesting. It's just getting hold of it that's the problem. I nearly sent some scamming cunt £600 for pentobarbital so I'm wary about buying anything dodgy online. Is there a country I could travel to and buy easily ? Thank you

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings of wanting to be free from this world are understandable. I have also always wanted to just never wake again, I've never wanted anything to do with existing at all. My ideal way to die would also be N. It just sounds so wonderful to me, peacefully passing away and finally being free from this terrible, cruel world. But unfortunately suicide is not that straightforward and I hate how we live in a world which makes suicide so unnecessarily difficult and complicated with the risk of methods failing being there.

Death is the most natural thing ever yet people attach so much stigma to it and try to force others to stay here against their wishes. Anti suicide people are certainly delusional, the truth is that there is no point or benefit to suffering. It's almost like those people forget the fact that they will die someday, life is both meaningless and insignificant.
I personally could never believe in an afterlife, I think that we just simply cease to exist but after all, there is no point to fearing death as it's simply inescapable for us all.
I hope that you find the freedom that you are looking for.

 

[justwanasleep]

I'm sorry life has brought you here but I hope you can find some comfort here. I am so grateful for this place to be able to express how I truly feel and share the (all be it- bad) experience with others.

Don't feel like a failure for failing your previous attempts. I think we get this idea growing up that suicide is easy to do when just the statistics prove otherwise. I believe it's something like out of every 25 attempts, only 1 is successful. Plus, there are so many restrictions now and alterations to potentially hazardous substances that it isn't a case of just taking a handful of pills and gently passing on.

I'm afraid it's an extremely personal thing- choosing a method. Really all of them seem to have things to justifiably be concerned about. I think all any of us can do is browse through all the materials here and find the one we maybe have less worries about than the others.

Belief is also a tricky one- as it's so personal and who is anyone to tell you you are right or wrong when there are so many unknowns? I personally grew up in a not very strictly religious set up, although there were ideas of heaven, God, afterlife and even hell/ purgatory for suicides floating around. I feel like I have 'overcome' a fair bit of faith in many aspects of religion- as it makes sense to me that a lot of it seems 'man-made' to keep people in order. Still, it's hard to shake off all beliefs/ fears when you have grown up with them. I sympathise there also but sadly, can't find the words to reassure you. Still, I wish you all the best on whatever you decide to do.

Thankyou for your reply. Yep I know 4 people that have hung themselves the past 2 years and whenever someone tells me that it's happened again I think how tf have they just done it on a whim and succeeded?? I'm not inside anyone else's head so I'm not sure if they did plan it all out but it's made out to be very easy peasy to do when it's nothing like that. I really like the thought of going abroad and doing it but me buying a flight and telling people I'm going would raise suspicions so I'd have to just go on the sly. I'll be damned if I go through all this and then end up reincarnated straight away or chilling in hell fire forever. Confusing times. Thanks

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thankyou for your reply. Yep I know 4 people that have hung themselves the past 2 years and whenever someone tells me that it's happened again I think how tf have they just done it on a whim and succeeded?? I'm not inside anyone else's head so I'm not sure if they did plan it all out but it's made out to be very easy peasy to do when it's nothing like that. I really like the thought of going abroad and doing it but me buying a flight and telling people I'm going would raise suspicions so I'd have to just go on the sly. I'll be damned if I go through all this and then end up reincarnated straight away or chilling in hell fire forever. Confusing times. Thanks

I know exactly what you mean. We read stories of people hanging themselves in jail in a tiny time frame with very restricted options with regards to materials. The mind does boggle. Still, I reckon it's a mixture of desperation leading to impulse and luck if I'm honest. Plenty of impulsive attempts fail as well.

I suppose many of us are playing the 'deceipt' game with our families and friends. In some ways- it actually seems kinder to me. If CTB is likely, why make them worry and feel like they can perhaps help to stop it if it feels inevitable?

I do get where you are coming from thinking about going abroad. Don't mean to guilt trip you but it would likely mean your family would have to arrange and pay for your body to be flown home. I completely 'get' why it's unfeasible to do it in your own home. I think many people here have booked hotels for the purpose to avoid being interrupted and the trauma of their loved ones discovering the body. Again, it's all so complicated I'm afraid. I'm sorry.

 

[justwanasleep]

Your feelings of wanting to be free from this world are understandable. I have also always wanted to just never wake again, I've never wanted anything to do with existing at all. My ideal way to die would also be N. It just sounds so wonderful to me, peacefully passing away and finally being free from this terrible, cruel world. But unfortunately suicide is not that straightforward and I hate how we live in a world which makes suicide so unnecessarily difficult and complicated with the risk of methods failing being there.

Death is the most natural thing ever yet people attach so much stigma to it and try to force others to stay here against their wishes. Anti suicide people are certainly delusional, the truth is that there is no point or benefit to suffering. It's almost like those people forget the fact that they will die someday, life is both meaningless and insignificant.
I personally could never believe in an afterlife, I think that we just simply cease to exist but after all, there is no point to fearing death as it's simply inescapable for us all.
I hope that you find the freedom that you are looking for.

Thanks I like your post. If you don't mind me asking if you don't believe in any sort of after life then do you believe you have a soul right now? If yes then the soul isn't a physical organ so what do you think happens to that energy? Thankyou

I know exactly what you mean. We read stories of people hanging themselves in jail in a tiny time frame with very restricted options with regards to materials. The mind does boggle. Still, I reckon it's a mixture of desperation leading to impulse and luck if I'm honest. Plenty of impulsive attempts fail as well.

I suppose many of us are playing the 'deceipt' game with our families and friends. In some ways- it actually seems kinder to me. If CTB is likely, why make them worry and feel like they can perhaps help to stop it if it feels inevitable?

I do get where you are coming from thinking about going abroad. Don't mean to guilt trip you but it would likely mean your family would have to arrange and pay for your body to be flown home. I completely 'get' why it's unfeasible to do it in your own home. I think many people here have booked hotels for the purpose to avoid being interrupted and the trauma of their loved ones discovering the body. Again, it's all so complicated I'm afraid. I'm sorry.

Yeah that would be a lot of messing to get my body back fuck. I think a uk hotel would do I know a few that accept cash so even if my mum reported me missing nothing would be on my bank account doing that I'll have enough time to make sure I'm fully gone with no interruptions. Or a tent! I just can't trust the uk weather not to rain on my charcoal as soon as I've got it lit. There's a millions of people in far worse situations than me but I cannot seem to be grateful enough to enjoy my time. I won't be doing a note or anything everyone close to me knows I've tried to do this before so it wont be the biggest shock and nothing I write will bring any solace.

 

[FuneralCry]

If you don't mind me asking if you don't believe in any sort of after life then do you believe you have a soul right now? If yes then the soul isn't a physical organ so what do you think happens to that energy? Thankyou

No, I don't believe in souls, I just believe that once we die, we lose consciousness and that is it for us, and the brain is the source of the consciousness.