Ive given up trying to understand whats wrong with me.

[Lou_Charthethird]

I am incapable of comprehending just how fucked i am. Ive tried understanding it, but it's impossible. I dont *know* what is real and what isnt. I cant accept that anything that ever happened and anything that id happening. Its like im living this fake life. Im so far removed from my body its as if the person who went through all that trauma died. I can laugh, albeit forced. Socialize, albeit unnaturally. I can live now, albeit not truly living. IT DOSNT MAKE FUCKING SENSE i cant make sense of it no matter how hard i try and a diagnosis like cptsd or dp/dr doesnt help. Talk therapy is useless, my brain and my body is trapped and the key is in the gutter. I cant accept reality. I mean i am incapable. Whenever i try to tell someone they tell me im depressed but im not. I WISH i was depressed so atleast thatd make sense, so atleast there would be an overarching level of of reality, but no im stuck in the nonsensical limbo, dealing with other peoples bullshit telling me whats wrong with me when the only person that could know whats wrong with me is me, but "me" doesnt exist anymore. So no one knows whats wrong.

It doesnt make sense it never will, kill me please i cant live like this it's unnatural, inhumane. Im a robot, an alien. Something that doesnt obey logic. No one can help. And the only person that couldve would be me. But again, i am dead. I cant even care to try to fix myself. Its like i have to force myself to care about this hell.

Ive given up on making sense of it, it doesnt matter anyways. Not in a cliche "nothing matters" kinda way, but in a a literal, i cannot conceptualize the idea of something mattering, way