I'm still here. For now. I used to be sad thinking that suicide is my only option but I've recently started to find solace in the thought. I'm still scared of dying. I don't know what's on the other side, and I fear that even with all of my planning, something will go wrong and I will permanently injure myself instead of exiting peacefully.
I don't want to go. I very much liked my life before she left me. But my greatest fear is ending up alone, and I just don't see how I am ever going to top what we had together. I've gone through all the motions and I've tried, but I can't even make friends, let alone befriend someone enough to eventually court them into a new relationship. I've reached out and talked to people and they seem genuine, but everything is always on the surface level. Eventually they stop talking to me and abandon me, just like she did. Maybe I am the problem after all. I just don't have the strength or patience to keep doing this in the hopes that someone will stick around. But honestly, that's all I need. I miss having someone to talk to on the daily, someone to send messages to, someone to share the day with, someone to watch shows with, someone to play games with. I don't understand how she was so easily able to throw away our 12 years together when I am still here dying inside over our loss every day.
I miss her so much. She was my world. She hurt me so much when she left but at the same time, I would do anything for her to walk back into my life and tell me she wanted to be with me again. I'm tired of the loneliness and tired of the pain. I'm tired of missing her. I'm tired of dreaming about her. I just wish I could find someone out there that cared enough to root me here, but I'm also tired of searching. I had the endgame already, it's not fair that I need to start over from the beginning again. Fuck that.
I don't know when I will do it. It seems silly to just do it randomly one day, so I think I will need to set a date and make sure I am prepared. But I was spontaneous in life, so setting a date seems so arbitrary. I am also worried that I might miss the sign I am looking for if I just exit. What if someone starts caring but I'm already gone? That seems unreasonable, but I really really don't want to do this. But I really really don't want to feel like this even more. I don't know. Time will tell I guess.
I don't want to go. I very much liked my life before she left me. But my greatest fear is ending up alone, and I just don't see how I am ever going to top what we had together. I've gone through all the motions and I've tried, but I can't even make friends, let alone befriend someone enough to eventually court them into a new relationship. I've reached out and talked to people and they seem genuine, but everything is always on the surface level. Eventually they stop talking to me and abandon me, just like she did. Maybe I am the problem after all. I just don't have the strength or patience to keep doing this in the hopes that someone will stick around. But honestly, that's all I need. I miss having someone to talk to on the daily, someone to send messages to, someone to share the day with, someone to watch shows with, someone to play games with. I don't understand how she was so easily able to throw away our 12 years together when I am still here dying inside over our loss every day.
I miss her so much. She was my world. She hurt me so much when she left but at the same time, I would do anything for her to walk back into my life and tell me she wanted to be with me again. I'm tired of the loneliness and tired of the pain. I'm tired of missing her. I'm tired of dreaming about her. I just wish I could find someone out there that cared enough to root me here, but I'm also tired of searching. I had the endgame already, it's not fair that I need to start over from the beginning again. Fuck that.
I don't know when I will do it. It seems silly to just do it randomly one day, so I think I will need to set a date and make sure I am prepared. But I was spontaneous in life, so setting a date seems so arbitrary. I am also worried that I might miss the sign I am looking for if I just exit. What if someone starts caring but I'm already gone? That seems unreasonable, but I really really don't want to do this. But I really really don't want to feel like this even more. I don't know. Time will tell I guess.
