Story I've finally decided

[Inferdan]

Last night, I was deliberating it. I felt close to figuring myself out. Talking with people in the chat while doing so. Life tried to mess with me again, by throwing something at me to put me off: my mother appeared from nowhere during the night and began packing my things to whisk me away to her house, because it would be better for me, she says. And as I sat there watching her, I felt something unlock and open. I then knew. I gave it time so I could make sure it wasn't some one-off feeling, but it was true. I now know: I will ctb. It feels liberating, and I feel completely at peace with it. It's not exhilarating, of course, but not disheartening. It's what I want. Finally out of the confusion and indecision that pained me daily. Finally have something to work towards, to put the little energy I have into. I already have my location, and my method (which is bleeding out. I'm fine with it, don't worry. I know what to do.).

To everyone who is sad about the age I'm at, understand I don't feel it. I feel older, in a withered sense. I'm so sorry that your views and values don't match with mine, but this is the path that I have set and will walk. To those who I have spoken in the chat, frequent or not, you've all made my time here bearable. You have given me great conversations; happy, sad, serious, and at times helped me sort a few more things out inside. I hold you all close to my heart, and am so glad to have met you all, who are all unique and different in your own ways. I do hope you all reach the goal that you are all working towards, and that you have a peaceful ending, either the long or short way.

Cherish the little things. It's all we really have left.

Inferdan

 

[randomz]

I am not gonna lie, I am sad to see your decision and I really hope you have tried everything else to feel better. Maybe in the time you have left, something good will happen that will bring your desire to live back.

 

[Inferdan]

I understand how you would be, @randomz. I have done all I can to live. To grab hold of the light of this world, all my life. But that's gone now, and besides, I've decided, and intend to walk the path I've set for myself. Don't want to go back into indecision again...not again. Don't know what else to say, except that if I'm found out and sent into a psych ward, that'll just add more time. But this is what I want. I'm done with everything, and not going to tolerate anything any longer.

 

[randomz]

I understand how you would be, @randomz. I have done all I can to live. To grab hold of the light of this world, all my life. But that's gone now, and besides, I've decided, and intend to walk the path I've set for myself. Don't want to go back into indecision again...not again. Don't know what else to say, except that if I'm found out and sent into a psych ward, that'll just add more time. But this is what I want. I'm done with everything, and not going to tolerate anything any longer.

I can see. It still saddens me, but I can understand. I myself made a very important decision to change my life yesterday which might as well be equal to suicide for me and I am still nerveous about it.

 

[Xunnsu]

The discord of indecision between life and death, I call it limbo. It's a terrible place that you wander endlessly but never get anywhere, like a forest that becomes a cage because you cannot find your way out. I imagine it must feel very liberating to escape it. It feels good to be on a path without being pulled in multiple directions.

 

[Inferdan]

It really does, @Xunnsu. I still feel something that tugs slightly against this choice, but it's just a mixture of SI and guilt over the pain others are and will go through because of this. I do hope you manage to reach it soon, one way or the other, and that it'll bring you peace of mind.
And @randomz, at least you know what it will result in, so it won't take you offguard. It's natural to feel nervous about it, so take your time with it. If it's ok to ask, what the decision you had to take?

 

[randomz]

It really does, @Xunnsu. I still feel something that tugs slightly against this choice, but it's just a mixture of SI and guilt over the pain others are and will go through because of this. I do hope you manage to reach it soon, one way or the other, and that it'll bring you peace of mind.
And @randomz, at least you know what it will result in, so it won't take you offguard. It's natural to feel nervous about it, so take your time with it. If it's ok to ask, what the decision you had to take?

It's the decision to quit my job. It might not sound like something big but it is as it's the only thing I have worked for in my entire life. It's what I studied for and what I thought I will love doing in my life. It's a good and well paying job also, which makes it harder. The reason I decided on that is that my anxiety is so severe that I no longer can do it normally - I fail all the time, I can't get enough rest, my mind feels trapped in a nightmarish cage every day.
My hesitation comes from the fact that I have no idea what I will be doing next with my life. I have some money saved up and want to move cities but other than that I am clueless. In fact I still haven't quit my job and don't know if I will gather enough strength to do it.