Venting I've felt completely empty since my breakup.

[sla_porra22]

I've felt a deep emptiness ever since my relationship ended. I can no longer find joy in things, I haven't eaten properly since that day, and for an entire week I vomited every time I ate something. I haven't been able to sleep either. I ruined everything with the person I loved most and still love. I wish things could go back to the way they were before. I wish I could go back in time and do everything differently. I don't think there's been a single day since our breakup that I haven't cried, and I'm someone who has a lot of difficulty crying. And with each passing day, things get worse. I'll probably be going to CTB soon. I intend to do this using sodium nitrite; I'm not yet sure when and how I will buy it. I've seen many online stores selling it seemingly without restrictions, but I'm not very confident. Sometimes all I want to do is cut a hole in my chest and rip my heart out with my bare hands. No matter how much time passes, I will never forgive myself for losing her. She also says she wants me to be happy, to find someone who makes me happy. But I don't want anyone else. I promised her and myself countless times that I would be hers. Only hers and no one else's. Even if she doesn't want me anymore, I will never break my promise. I will die knowing that she will be the most incredible, special, and important person I have ever known. I confess that I can't help but see her in absolutely everything I do. I constantly want to text her, I want to talk to her. I miss her so much. I don't see any way to be happy after this. I swear I can't take it anymore. It hurts too much. I feel like a monster, I feel unhappy without her, I feel like an idiot. She's the love of my life. I had happiness in my hands and I let it slip away. I can't stand trying to pretend I'm okay for people anymore and failing miserably. Nothing makes me feel alive. I think I've never been this mentally unwell in my entire life. I wish I could apologize to her, I already did, but it's not enough. I wish there was some way to show it through actions, and I don't even know how. I want to make her happy. I wanted to fulfill all the plans we had together. I hate myself so much for all of this. The only feelings I've had since that day are guilt and sadness. Nothing else. I still can't believe it happened. I love her so much