Venting I've decided I want to cbt soon

[fleshgarden]

I was with my girlfriend today when I decided, when I realized, that I want to do it soon. maybe in a week, in a few months, I don't know when. I've had some attempts are particularly heavy idealizing in the past, but now I'm certain. my girlfriend was upset, not at me, but this one time of silence got me thinking. my girlfriend is the only reason to stay alive I've been hanging onto, because I'd feel so so bad leaving her behind. I was hopeful about our relationship as well. I had something to look forward to. but my thoughts have been feeding me a bunch of bullshit. I think I will always feel unsatisfied with my future, with the past, and the present. this is not something I should stay alive for. I will never feel satisfied with it. I broke down crying in front of her, like an idiot, spewing how I don't want her to leave me and shit, because I was feeling so hopeless and I felt like I caused her to be upset.
that's exactly why I can't live any further. I will never, ever live a normal happy life. I feel like my cptsd and my dissociation have rendered me so useless, it's broken me so much, I'm not fixable. I will never be satisfied. I cannot speak when spoken to. I am not meant for this world. hell I can't even do basic tasks. I feel so empty. I'm such a waste of space. I was only put here to satisfy my abusers who used my young body and mind. I wasn't meant to live afterwards. no one has any desire to stay in contact with me anymore. I've lost everybody important to me, because I'm such a fucking useless person and horrible friend. they won't remember me too. no one will remember me. I think that's now a good thing.

I don't care what happens to her or anyone after I die. I just want to die. I don't even think anything will happen anyway. I've been delaying my death over nothing.

 

[FuneralCry]

This world certainly is so hellish and cruel, it sounds like you've suffered so much, so I hope that you find the freedom that you are searching for. There really does seem to be no peace in existing and I also see myself as not being meant for this world.

 

[fleshgarden]

This world certainly is so hellish and cruel, it sounds like you've suffered so much, so I hope that you find the freedom that you are searching for. There really does seem to be no peace in existing and I also see myself as not being meant for this world.

yes, thank you so very much. I wonder how many other people feel the same way

 

[LocalAngel]

I just want you to know that i resonated with every single word, and feel the same way. Living for another isn't living by itself- you have to want to recover. And yet, that's so, so so fucking hard to do.

So i often do end up relying on another- whoever my partner is at the time, to keep me pushing forward towards the future. I know it's not really healthy long term. But. Here we are.

I hope you manage to find some peace, in whatever way that may be. You don't deserve to suffer anymore- even if that's hard to believe sometimes.

 

[user39]

wish you peace

 

[GasMonkey]

What's your method?

 

[fleshgarden]

What's your method?

I don't have one yet qq

 

[FailerQt.]

no one has any desire to stay in contact with me anymore. I've lost everybody important to me, because I'm such a fucking useless person and horrible friend. they won't remember me too. no one will remember me. I think that's now a good thing.

I feel this so much tbh. Pretty sure most of the people will be so happy after I am gone in my case. I hope you can find a peaceful way out which will suit your needs.

 

[GasMonkey]

I don't have one yet

Long path ahead.

 

[uniqueusername39]

Living for another isn't living by itself- you have to want to recover. And yet, that's so, so so fucking hard to do.

Well put. Currently what I am struggling with. Partner is upset that he isn't "enough" reason for me to want to keep living, when my suicidality really isn't a reflection of any inadequacy on his part, but of mine.