ive been wondering, do you really want to die?

[perrin_still_here]

basically, it's a thing ive been really thinking about. do i want to end my life, and start afresh in wherever I go, or do i just want the pain in life to end? i don't know to be honest, everything is just so confusing and it makes me want to cry. i hardly enjoy stuff anymore, and with people around me constantly degrading me, it makes me feel unwanted. im not even human. sometimes i feel i have less worth than a piece of sh*t. i need your opinion on this. what do I do? is it really right to crave leaving this earth so bad but not wanting to leave specific stuff behind? the little happy things in life?

-perry

 

[goingcrazy123]

This is exactly what I'm going through ! Having a lack of emotions is really getting to me and not being able to enjoy anything at all as I once used to. All of this is making me want to ctb even more.

I'm so sorry that you're in the position you're in. Hopefully, over time, it will improve for both of us. Sending you a hug and goof vibes.

 

[FogFilledLife]

If I have a purpose, I have failed it. Perhaps, in death, I can accomplish more.

 

[Littlepaws]

I have short moments where I do not wish to die, but the majority of the time my feelings are the opposite.

There was a ray of hope recently, but now that has been crushed and things are gradually deteriorating in other areas of my life.

 

[Crazy4u]

I don't exactly WANT to DIE… it's more like I just don't want to live. I don't want to participate in society. I don't want a job or a relationship. I wish I could move into a nursing home right now. If I could make myself believe in God, I would become a nun and shut myself in the cloister and never do anything productive again.

Same here. Staying alive is a nightmare

 

[ultrafuntimes]

I don't know if I want to die, but I know I need to die. I'm convinced suicide is my predetermined fate. I feel so out of place here.
Everyone and everything feels off. Anytime I start to feel remotely content with living, I fall back into this sense of dread. It's all just wrong.
I don't know how to explain it, I can't explain it. I just know I'm not supposed to be here. Or maybe none of this is true, it doesn't matter.
Suicide is the closest thing to a sense of purpose I have.

 

[houseofleaves]

I don't know if I want to die, but I know I need to die. I'm convinced suicide is my predetermined fate. I can't explain it. I just know I'm not supposed to be here. Suicide is the closest thing to a sense of purpose I have.

I think i can relate to this… (i don't wanna play this stupid "oH i uNdErStAnD yOu" game, just wanted to share my experience, sorry if it's unwanted ) — so, from childhood i've always wanted to ctb, and i always knew that i will die by my own hands; and even when i was happy, or at least somewhat content with my life, i always felt like ctb is inevitable.

 

[mistersinister]

Since 13.

 

[Al Cappella]

It's not a question of wanting to or not for me—it's that I won't accept a certain lifestyle at my age, meaning living on the streets. Life's not that special that I need to sleep on a sidewalk to keep it going…

 

[unkuto]

I don't want to die at all. Thinking about makes me break in tears.
But I have to do that because I have no other choice unfortunately.

 

[Circles]

I've been trying to recover and while I am trying my 'best' to see things differently, no matter what suicide and death are always in the back of my mind. So I don't know anymore really and it's such a conflicting indescribable emotion like I'm in some limbo state. It's hard not wishing to die when you're such a failure at life such as myself. So in essence yes I still want to die. I want to die, but why can't I be okay with that and finally accept it? Some people just were never meant for life's bullshit.

 

[sharky]

I wish I could start over in a new life. I mean life without suffering is better than death. But for me the pain has to end, even if it means death as in nothingness.

 

[Aeathelina]

I wouldn't say that I want to die but I want to the pain and stop the suffering if only for a moment.
I'm won't sayI'm not scared of the void but the idea that there's either a blazing inferno or a blank nothingness waiting for me makes my stomach twist into knots even thinking about it

 

[Life interrupted]

If I didn't have chronic pain and a condition that makes it impossible to live a normal life, I wouldn't.

 

[Dysgenic Pup]

I feel like if I could fix my major mental problem I will become indifferent to life and no longer care enough to ctb. Granted, I don't think I could ever really enjoy life. I don't believe in chronic happiness, but I think you can make life bearable and let it have its way with you.

 

[jakaranda3]

No. If I can get out of my financial troubles, I won't want to CTB at all.

I dont have financial troubles. the problem is i dont know what to do with the money. CTB reason: no purpose.

 

[dustyfurcollector]

I want to die.. it's how that bothers me.

I feel this. Back when I was religious they always talked abt ppl who died with great dignity or overcoming some awful thing like being burned to death. It was always my fear I wouldn't die well. I'm worried abt not dying well

 

[lyles]

I don't know! I don't look forward to the process of death, but I do very much look forward to after death! Be that an afterlife or total lack of consciousness or otherwise. There are things that make living easier or make living feel good even, but by the end of it I do want whatever comes after death. It's something I hope and am excited for!

 

[deathbydragon]

Life is pain. Death is preferable to any pain imo.

 

[walt]

I think it's a reasonable assessment to say that humans work off of a pleasure-pain model of life. We distance ourselves from pain or things that can cause us pain (obviously), and we close ourselves near things that bring us pleasure.

Money, happiness, connections, friends, socialization. All of those things can bring pleasure, some more than others, but generally socialization is the most required in a human being, which leads to happiness.

Off of this model it's reasonable to assume that humans don't really want to "end it", even in the wildest scenarios, because we generally enjoy living. It is baked into the most vital part of your brain after all, the most primitive parts that also control breathing and your heartrate. But we just want to end the suffering that we're experiencing. If you asked a suicidal person if their pain stopped, would they still want to live, the answer would be yes. Pain includes financial issues, abuse, or depression in general, which is the root problem.

I don't want to die either, but the suffering, depression, and rapidly onset mood swings can get to me.

 

[jawdropped123]

I dont want to die but i have no choice at this point i have a medical condition, nothing is working to fix it, therapy isnt working i want this condition to go away i dont care about anything else

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I don't have a singular will. That's why I can't stick to anything. Whatever I want will change very, very quickly. I have, however, not had any desire to live for the past 6 or 7 years. That could be interpreted as dying being the only long-term, stable goal I've had for this long. Well, I did want to be an engineer for about six years, but that was before my collapse (at 16-17) and is therefore not the current "me" (or one of them). Suppose the want for a gf could be the third one (several years, truly got started around when I was no longer attractive to women due to apathy/the collapse).

 

[sadnessnsuicide]

i don't know to be honest, everything is just so confusing and it makes me want to cry

When I read your post, this is the sentiment that stood out to me most. I also do not know if I truly want this life to end or if I simply wish to be separated from the pain that permeates my existence. I do know, however, that almost everything makes me think of the regret I carry. I mostly wish to end my life so that I can finally stop being a burden on others. If I'm thinking spiritually, I also hope that when I die I will either go to purgatory or be reincarnated and given another chance to try again. Either way, I know that this life that I have been living for 22 years has barely even felt like my own.