I've been gone. Wish I were.

[silverspring]

Don't quite remember the last time I posted. It probably wasn't as long ago as I feel it was, but it was probably significant, as I've not logged into this site in awhile. From what I remember, it was when one of my beloved pet rats was on her way out. That was a really rough time, and another one - the twin of the one who passed - is now on HER way out. Life is one big giant hell right now. There was a point where I thought maybe I'd be alright for awhile. Where everything could be alright, put on hold, and maybe I could make it a little longer. Who was I even fucking kidding?

Since that last post, I've gotten sober. I actually forget the number of days because I'm too stressed out to remember, but the last time I drank was right before Mother's Day. It started off as a solidarity stance with my best friend who was struggling hardcore and got hospitalized with alcohol poisoning. It then turned personal, as I knew my problem was just as bad, but I'm broke (because of life, because I love my animals too much, because again, life) and my drinking only happened while I was with her every time. And it was every single day. I lost every single piece of my soul.

Now, today, I'm faltering. Slipping into a place that I don't want to be in, because I'm realizing that my best friend and I are terrible together if we're sober. For awhile there, when she was going harder than I was, I always secretly wished she'd go back to who she was before she started drinking. She started way after me. I wished to have that fun friend back. Then I realized it was me first who probably did push my fun friend away when I was drinking, she just didn't know that was happening. I sound terrible, right? I promise it wasn't even me who got her into it first, but when she started, I was in the process of attempting to be sober. Lil lady dragged me right back down with her. It's about seven years later now and life is just a terrible mess. I wanna drink so god damned bad.

I'm contemplating, after my current cancer filled sweet baby rat gets put down (this week), I'll be spending a good day with my best friend. Best friend is also a rat mom. Best friend would probably not even see what's coming. Best friend can take my last two remaining rats (who I absolutely will be devasted to leave behind) and a great big hug goodbye when I get ready to go home. I'll tell her I love her. Best friend can go to sleep and maybe be happy to have two new adorable sweet angels in her home. Best friend will do absolutely fine without me. Everyone is absolutely fine without me.

I think I'm gonna CTB this upcoming weekend.

Never have felt so ready.

 

[LifeHasNoOptIn]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It's so hard to say goodbye to our furry companions when their time comes. They give so much light to an otherwise dark world. Sadly, there is nothing that can be said that will make it any easier, but I hope you can find some peace and solace whatever you choose.

Love and hugs to you and your fur babies

 

[FuneralCry]

Living really is so painful and depressing and I know that it can be hard to carry on when you suffer so much. I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from what you are going through.

 

[silverspring]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It's so hard to say goodbye to our furry companions when their time comes. They give so much light to an otherwise dark world. Sadly, there is nothing that can be said that will make it any easier, but I hope you can find some peace and solace whatever you choose.

Love and hugs to you and your fur babies

I'm so beside myself with this decision. It makes me sad that I feel that I can't give it another year to be with my last two babies. But at this point, I feel like life is not going to be better by then. At this point I'm holding out for them. I thought being sober would maybe change my thoughts. Guess not. Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to my heart. I guess we'll see how I feel this weekend.

Living really is so painful and depressing and I know that it can be hard to carry on when you suffer so much. I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from what you are going through.

Thank you for understanding.