Ariii
Student
- Oct 29, 2023
- 151
I still have bad days on occasion, but they're less frequent and my overall baseline has been better/more stable than it has been in 4-5 years. I've progressively been feeling not-as-horrible for a couple months. This last month has been especially good. I've always been in this cycle of being passively suicidal and then just randomly spiraling every few days, but that hasn't happened in a few weeks. I still get actively suicidal thoughts, but it's not accompanied by the absolute shitshow of emotions I usually have. I have nearly no clue what caused this change, can't even exactly pinpoint the cause of my SI. My best guess is that I've let go about how I HAVE to achieve this, I HAVE to do that (which potentially actually had the opposite effect perhaps?), and that I've been taking care of myself more and even brushing my teeth consistently (I know, pathetic for me to be celebrating that), but also it"s most likely just a consequence of me being in a better mood. Whatever the reason, it just feels nicer than I've remembered, my emotions have been all over the place for years, and just this nice, stable standard feels so nice, even if it's only been a few weeks. Hopefully it lasts.
Just wanted to share, I don't have anyone irl to tell. Mom would freak out about me being suicidal in any capacity, don't talk to my brother and father, and I don't talk about this type of stuff to the few friends I have, thanks for reading, have a nice night/day you guys :)
Just wanted to share, I don't have anyone irl to tell. Mom would freak out about me being suicidal in any capacity, don't talk to my brother and father, and I don't talk about this type of stuff to the few friends I have, thanks for reading, have a nice night/day you guys :)
