Venting ive been dissociated since 6th grade and can no longer recall my childhood

[starrvingstar]

the first time i started being aware of my dissociation, was in the sixth grade which sounds contrary but it was the first time where i would get on the bus and stare back at the school building forgetting the entire day i had just had and what had happened. it was perhaps an anxiety reaction to the stress i would feel in the building and around others.

its been years since then and i am still dissociated ever day, only having seconds thay havent happened in a while where i walk past the mirror and see myself, or ride the bus and am aware of my surroundings outside the window. this has probably only happened 5 times since the sixth grade.

i cant look back at photos and rememeber the times i had or anything that happened in my childhood. i cant think about my thoughts before they leave my mouth. even when i reread texts i dont know where these thoughts or phrases are coming from.

i am terrified that the people around me will die and leave me and i will have no good memories to remember them by. i constantly waste peoples time because life does not feel real to me and i do not feel like i real person. i neglect those around me because i cant feel present at any given moment. it has always bothered me that i dont "love my dog enough" or my friends enough because im too busy spending my day on autopilot.

this might be why its so easy for me to want to end my life when i feel as though nothing is real or nothing matters.

 

[Valky]

Have you tried writing down what happens during your day?

Maybe that can give you the time you need to rethink of what happened and write down stuff even if it's just small details. But I am sure that over time you will also notice and rememeber such small details more vividly since you are starting to become more aware of them.