Its not normal to be this messed up

[GreyMonkey]

I am in severe anxiety.

All I can think about is wanting to die.

I have the SN laid out in front of me.

If I lived alone I'd probably take it now. But I don't want to do this to my housemates. Maybe that's just an excuse.

I've been feeling this way for almost a year now. From a relationship I got utterly infatuated by and rejected by. I can't see how my life is going to get better from and recover from this or how I can have a normal life.

And I want out. And I'm so scared to kill myself. I wish I wasn't so scared. I'm envious of all people on here who go through it.

Its not normal for me to be so messed up over a rejection. I can see how really not ok I am. And never really have been. I wish I had been helped a long time ago before I got this old. Such that I might have had a different life.

I can't cope. And I have many friends. And people who love and care for me. And it's not enough.

My ex girlfriend wrote me last night asking me to message her son today for his birthday. I was with them from when he was little for about 6 years. He still considers me his father even now more than 10 years since we ended and maybe 4 or so years since I last saw them. I messaged him and she wrote me saying thank you and this is the most his eyes have been shining in a long time. He said he misses me always.

And it breaks me. Why can't this be enough? Why can't the ways in which I have touched people's lives be enough? Why am I suffering so so so much? What the fuck is wrong with me???

Its not fair. I didn't ask to be born into an experience like this.

I just wish I could die naturally, peacefully.

I got offered a job starting soon. To be working in a suicide prevention and recovery centre. Oh the irony.

And it scares the fuck out of me. Having a job scares me. Having to show up and be normal and live scares me.

Fuck I'm losing it.

 

[SuicideByBelt]

Man, I feel for you, bro.

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

Im in a similar state of panic and not knowing what to do, but suffering deeply. You have my compassion.

Sometimes i wish the people on suicide lines, or at the hospital knew this feeling. The pure despair that comes with these feelings. True, deep desire to not live in this world. Maybe then, we could be treated like people instead of sick creatures who need to be restrained.

 

[justwhy?]

A job, a plethora of people who love you without feeling obliged to... are you weighing your own suicide or trying to drive others to theirs?

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I just lost a paragraph of ; " You matter" type stuff ....
Interweb failure.

These are killer anxiety attacks / panic attacks ?

Can you burn some adrenaline off doing something physical ?

I don't know man .

I just wanted to say I think it sucks you are dealing with this .

Internet hugs ,

 

[Whitewash11235814]

SS is about to blow up with you in that seat. xD
Your advantage is perspective. Your disadvantage is emotional instability. Good luck, tbh, it's a high responsibility job to take.

 

[JimFord99]

Hey, Greymonkey, I know how you feel. I suffer from extreme anxiety as well, I get panic attacks and I am suffering from extreme depression, but I am not afraid of dying, in fact, I am looking forward to. There is no cure and only one way out. Sad but true. Maybe your new job may turn things around for you, maybe.

 

[noctiva]

Hei @GreyMonkey , I hear you.
I'm in the same boat, sitting here. My SN is neatly weighed into 50 ml falcon tubes on my nightstand, 6 of them. I just need to use them. They remind me every day what a coward and failure I am.
I have taken out the clothes I will be wearing when I ctb, finished them yesterday.
I don't see I can have a normal life after what I lost, and to be fair whatever else life can offer me, it can piss off. I don't want it. My family is what I want and need, and that has been taken from me. I don't seek to replace them with another family.
I understand your envy of the people here that ctb. I read every thread, I wish them well, but I also wish every time it was me instead. Most people I met here are wonderful people, I don't want them to die, the kindness and compassion in this community is overwhelming and unique. I don't want them to die, but here I am, lingering on, when I would really like for myself to be dead already.
Even in real life, a 15 year old girl I know just killed herself, and me, I'm still here. I am so angry at myself for still being here.
On Monday I should get his Christmas presents, I'll wrap them, put them in the bag I packed for him with stuff I want him to have.. and then I have absolutely nothing to do anymore in life until I die. I'll just... wait. For him to tell me to die, or for him to tell me to come home. But how long should I linger on in this state? How long should I wait? I don't know.

I'm happy to hear that you're getting a job at the suicide hotline, you'll be absolutely amazing. You will be able to relate to people and help them. I believe in you, you can make a difference there, if you like. Don't worry too much about being 'normal', normal is overrated and what you see as normal might not be what others see as normal. Outside the house everyone pretends to be 'normal' anyway, just like you do. I believe that every human is broken in some unique way, trying to hide it from the others, and that is fine. I just wish I could take your pain away. Take care and be kind to yourself!

 

[GreyMonkey]

Hey, Greymonkey, I know how you feel. I suffer from extreme anxiety as well, I get panic attacks and I am suffering from extreme depression, but I am not afraid of dying, in fact, I am looking forward to. There is no cure and only one way out. Sad but true. Maybe your new job may turn things around for you, maybe.

Well... I dunno. Its more me. I've never suffered anxiety or depression like this but I've always been low grade unhappy with persistent dips.

This is just intense beyond what I even imagined it was possible to suffer. I don't really wanna drag my way through life anymore.

I have therapy that I think if I was in a better place would be helpful. Wish it happened 10 years ago. Now it just feels too little too late.

 

[gothfairy]

i relate to this so much. i hope you know you're not alone.

 

[JimFord99]

So far what I have read at SS therapy seems to me an utterly waste of time, money and effort. Does not matter if this all had happen ten years earlier, your situation would have been at least the same, if not worse. It s not you, Greymonkey, it is everything around you.